Serpentine Embrace
by MountainWind
Summary: They're both crazy, there's no doubt about that. But could the craziest thing either has done is try to be loved? AnkoxNaruto.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: Hey new story, enjoy. By the by, no crazy Anko or Naruto, just angsty fluff.

* * *

Serpentine Embrace

By MountainWind

**Chapter 1**

She snorted as she examined the panties she had just pulled from her dresser. _What the _hell_ was I thinking when I bought these?_...Mitarashi Anko asked herself as she threw them back and pulled out another pair. She took this one and stuffed it into her suitcase. Despite what most people thought about her this was unusual for her. Most of the time she liked things organized, but now she was only roughly slamming stuff in.

To simply explain what the girl was feeling was near impossible. I, in my limited sense, have tried to fathom what she was experiencing as best I could. However, I can simplify it in this sense: she had had enough. For over eleven years she had endured unwanted or undeserved stares and questions about what she was doing, and despite her best failed attempts, who she was doing it with.

_She's the only one who was with him so much._

_They shared a house, she couldn't have _not_ known._

_There's no way a woman like _her_ could become so strong naturally._

_Why was she gone for so long that one time?_

_I heard that she _helped_ him._

_Ibiki's been _much_ more productive since she joined._

_What the _hell_ was Sandaime-sama thinking letting her go?_

These questions, not whispered, not screamed, but merely spoken drew from her not only hope but seemingly her very life. It caused so many parts of her to hide, to slither into the dark bowels of her heart. She didn't really smile anymore, just the mischievous or frightening smirks she threw at targets and allies. Whichever was deserving of which one.

She was tired, dead tired, of people whispering 'traitor,' 'snake slut,' 'whore,' and other such names behind her back. Even if they didn't say such things she knew no one would openly approach her for anything more than a fast fuck. And even then not one of them bothers to stay the whole night. Not that she _wanted_ them to stay. Waking up to their fidgety stares and lack of attention to her was not something she wanted.

Plus even if they _did_ have the balls to sleep with her she knew they wouldn't even _try_ her cooking. Not many people knew Anko liked cooking. Or singing. Or dancing. Or her favorite colors weren't blood red and black but fuchsia and lavender. Or that if she had the choice of brutal monkey sex and cuddling, she would choose the cuddling. Or that she…it didn't really matter. No one cared, no one knew and no one cared to know.

It didn't help matters that recently her ANBU captain, one of the few she could loosely call a friend, who knew of her many different loves and hobbies, had just been convicted of killing _his entire family_. Yeah…_that's _gonna help you get service from the pimpled prick at the Quickie Mart.

As these thoughts rambled through her skull Anko grumbled as she found yet another pair of _atrocious_ panties within her collection. _Did I go shopping when I was _drunk_ or something?...yeah maybe…_she mused. "Well at least I'll leave my mark on the next person to rent here!" she said laughing with her arms crossed.

Soon tears brimmed at the sides of her eyes, she hastily wiped them away.

_I will not hold it against you if you _do_ eventually leave Anko. However I'd be both saddened and disappointed if you did. You have much _so_ potential…_the voice of the Third said to her.

"Potential…that's a joke…" she whimpered, "a very bad one…"

_I've chosen you to be my apprentice. Because of the potential I see in you. Anko-chan._

She shook her head, the feeling of intense disgust and cold flowing through her. Hurriedly, and with new purpose, she resumed her packing. As she stuffed piece after piece of unmentionable panties and clothing into her case she made note of her _other_ case. It was part of a special scroll _HE_ had left her. The package contained some of the things she hated and enjoyed most about herself. She put down a pair of panties she actually enjoyed and crouched down by the case.

It was a specially made metal that would react to anyone that did not charge chakra to the correct level before touching it. She did the recommended action and clicked it open. Inside was a set of polished, oiled, and well maintained torture devices. Made to actuate Anko's earth chakra affinity. The set itself had been given to her by Ibiki when he joined her division.

_Listen to me Mitarashi. I don't give a shit what happened to you in the past, who did it to you, who thinks you did it, or what your favorite snack is. I'm in charge of this division. And I chose you because you showed an aptitude for the one thing few people in this village seem to have._

_You have focus for this kind of thing. So welcome to the Interrogation and Torture division of ANBU. I hope you have a strong stomach I'll be teaching you personally._

While she had managed to keep her tears in check, she knew Ibiki had realized how she felt. It had been the first show of respect and honesty toward her since she met Itachi. She closed the case and laid her forehead against it. As she did she realized what she wearing.

Her protector.

With a steady breath Anko stood and removed it. The leaf symbol seemed to mock her. With an angry and vicious flash of her finger she scratched a deep gouge into the plate. It nearly cleft the stupid thing in two, and she wished it had.

Below her, on the first floor of her two story apartment building she heard a roaring chime.

It was 12:15. The patrol for the wall would be changing in seventy-five minutes.

The time to go had arrived.

**Xxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxX**

Anko dashed through the back alleys of Konohagakure no Sato. Pride and disdain all in one flooded her chest. _HE_ taught her that lesson that sent her sprawling down these crowded and very dark streets. Part of her was sickened by the thoughts of her old mentor. A fuzzy and pained memory was spat out from her hardened brain.

_Always know the secret ways. Even if it is only fit for rats, any secret direction or path is infinitely better than one that is always hit by the sun, remember that Anko._

He always left off the –chan when telling her something important. It was one of the few things that made her see past the loving father image she had built up over her many years of apprenticeship. Anko hissed his name and leapt into the air, clearing the top of a three story building. Landing in a crouch she cursed at how complacent this place was, even after such genocide. The ANBU patrolling the sector didn't even bat an eyelash when he saw Anko make for one of the hidden gates.

They merely assumed she was doing her duty for the village.

The infuriated jounin spat onto the ground and hurried past one of the few men that got her riled up without even trying.

Well she tried anyway; his words stopped her dead, "Yo. Where ya going Anko?"

She contemplated running, but she realized trying to get away from Hatake Kakashi when he was interested, no matter _what_ book his face was in, was impossible. "Mission."

"During shift change?"

"Yeah."

"With no headband?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

The lazy ninja was leaning against a water tower support beam. Anko cursed as she stood at the edge of the same building. The gate was merely fifty meters away. It might have been a million with Kakashi next to her. His beady black eye continued to scan his book.

"I have to say…even for you this is pretty ballsy," he said as he turned a page.

Anko glared at him, "What do you know about me?"

She felt his eyes, or one of them at least, on her, "None of the _good_ stuff at least. I would like to say I knew you were a stronger person than to leave your home and-"

"Keep your '_comrades are all you need_' bullshit to yourself Hatake! I don't have any comrades here!"

"Anymore," he said just loud enough for her to hear.

The purple headed kunoichi stiffened. "You aren't helping your cause," she hissed.

He mused at how cute she looked when she had a killing intent in her eye. "Yeah. But you were going to leave no matter what I or the Third said right? So might as well go. You have less than ten minutes to get out of here undetected."

She cursed, glanced at the moon and sprinted off. Hatake Kakashi sighed. He looked up at moon, in melancholy, and then returned to his smut. "I'll keep this little talk to myself. If Homura-sama or Kotaru-sama found out they'd kill me…or try anyway."

**Xxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxX**

Anko was running like she was trying to avoid something on fire. The fury and pain and sadness in her chest burned hard.

That and she _knew_ someone was following her. They had been ever since she had stopped to talk to Kakashi. She knew it wasn't him because if he had decided to come after her he wouldn't be so blatant about it. Whoever it was had some _crazy_ chakra going on.

_This is _not_ how someone trained by the fucking SNAKE SANNIN is supposed to make an escape from her village to become a MISSING FUCKING NINJA!_

As she was mentally raging at the world she tripped. The offending piece of trash sent her flying into a building that would have been on the outside of the left turn she was supposed to make. Her head connected flush with the brick and caused a pain unlike any she had felt in her life to travel down her spine and into her toes.

She let her body fall flat on the ground, blood slipping from her hair down her face. She wished that _other_ wetness was blood. She would rather be bleeding from her eyes instead of crying. She was _not_ crying. She _couldn't_ be crying. Of all the things she was doing she _was not crying!_

"You okay?" a small voice called. She didn't bother to move. The sound of something being moved was deafening to her ears. "Uh…sis you okay?"

"Not really kid…" she _thought_ it was a kid at least. Grunting she pushed herself up by her arms and then to her knees.

"Oh it's you," he said. Anko sighed. The _way_ he said that was really the icing on the cake.

It just had to be the _one_ kid with no curfew that recognized her on her attempt to escape. She turned to give this stupid kid her worst glare, one that had once cause a battle hardened Mist-nin to piss herself, when she caught sight of him.

She stood, almost reactionary. The kid standing before her was wreathed in shadow, the alley had no lights and everyone was asleep. The only source of illumination was the moon and an odd street lamp on the other side of the narrow entrance.

And his _eyes_. They were _glowing_.

From that light she could his blonde hair and hideously dirty and orange shirt. "It's you…" she said. _The Kyuubi brat_…she thought.

"Yeah…so…" he kicked his feet. "You leaving the village?"

"Fairly astute of you kid. What makes you think that?" she scoffed.

"Because your friend Itachi killed a bunch of people and left too right?"

Anko started. Her head made a swinging motion. She had been about to _leave_ this kid. And now he drops something like that. "What…how do you?"

He scratched the back of his head. "The Uchiha never liked me. They always arrested me and took me to the Old man if I got too close to a paint or a prank store. One little gag like the time I put some itching powder on their uniforms and they go crazy. Well anyway I always saw the two of you around. I used to follow you…"

Anko felt a flush creep to her cheeks. She remembered one or two times she had tried to seduce her younger captain. "Why?"

He was silent for a few minutes, a few _precious_ minutes. "Why kid?"

"Because you two were the only ones like me…" he finally relented. "You…everyone hates you too. They look at you like you did something wrong. You always do stuff for the village. I see you all the time, bleeding and needing help but the guards never call for meds…now if the Uchiha guy ever stubbed his toe they'd make sure the hospital was cleared out…

"But he hated it. They didn't like him, his clan. And I think the only reason I was scared to talk to you guys was because we're the same. But the one thing that made us different was that you guys _know_ why other people hate you. And I only get to guess."

Anko gaped at the boy. He had just described something that made her blood run cold. It was like looking at herself so long ago. Just after being abandoned by _HIM_. "What…" she gulped. "What is your name kid?"

He looked up at her. She took in a sharp breath; his eyes had become slits, like a _cat's_. "Uzumaki Naruto."

"Why are you out here so late kid?"

He looked at the ground and kicked his feet again. "The old lady at the orphanage told me to stop doing 'that.' She tells me every night but I don't know what I did. So she threw me out saying when I stopped doing 'it' I could come back."

Anko most likely guessed 'it' referred to what she had just seen. _So the kid has naturally good night vision. Cool._ "So you've been wandering around out here all night?"

He mumbled something.

"What?"

"All week. I try to go back every night, but she just keeps hitting me with that stick thing."

Anko felt a little bit of the hatred for _HIM_ move to this 'old lady' at the orphanage. What kind of sick bitch leaves a kid out all alone for a week? _The kind of woman who doesn't see a kid. But a demon._

"So, kid." He looked at her. His gaze, just slightly on the intense side, made Anko blush. She rubbed the back of her head. "Do. Do you want to have somewhere warm to sleep tonight?"

He started and took a step back from her. "Are you like that guy?"

"What guy?"

His voice because dangerous suddenly, "The one who took my shoes and clothes?"

Anko bristled. "_WHAT?_" Naruto was more taken aback by her anger than anything else. "Some _prick took your clothes?! What did he do to you?!"_

He relaxed, but not completely, "Nothing. I threw a shuriken I stole from one of the Uchiha guys when they left me in the waiting room one day. I hid it in my leggings. He tried to touch me but I cut off his fingers with it before I threw it. He's got a scar on his neck now."

Anko felt something…odd…take hold of her. "Was he a ninja?"

Naruto furrowed his forehead in thought. "Uh…I don't think so. I always saw him in the village with carts full of stuff. Boxes and bundles."

While a part of her was relieved at this revelation another part of her seemed to become odder and odder. _So…carts and storage materials. He's most likely a porter that serves the merchants of the village. _"Do you remember where he lives?" she asked softly.

Naruto became tense again. "Why?"

Anko crouched down and removed the special metal case. She opened it and revealed one of the more viscous looking instruments. "Because I _hate _people who mess with kids. Especially kids like me."

Naruto looked at her. Something in his mind told him this woman was dangerous. She _was_ a friend of the guy who killed all those Uchiha. But the Uchiha people had always _hurt_ him. And that Itachi guy would always give him ice cream if he was with his little brother. So if the _dead_ Uchiha were mean, but were considered the _good_ guys, and the _living _Uchiha was nice, but was considered the bad guy then did that mean?…Naruto shook the complicated thoughts out of his head.

There had been a few close calls with guys like the one this woman had heard of. Once or twice, he hadn't gotten away as scot free as he just explained. And a few had started when people asked him if he wanted help. But this was different. They had tried to be _nice_ to him. She was being…well…_mean_. She _didn't_ want him to like her. And from what he gathered she didn't really want _him_ to trust her that much either. The other people (men and women) had all been _too_ trusting. It had caused many to lose fingers and toes to Naruto's teeth when he realized what was going on.

"What are you going to do to him?"

Anko's eyes, which were now gleaming in the soft and almost vacant light of the alley, swiveled to him. "I'm gonna do what he was gonna do to you. But I'll make sure it hurts. Hurts _bad_. Because that's what I do kid. I punish people who break the laws. And messing with you is a big law."

Naruto looked back at the ground. "If you keep the laws why are you running away?"

Anko seemed to be knocked out of her revelry. She snorted. "Well. At first it was because I hated people looking at me and treating me like a snake about to strike. Like-"

"You were about to kill them. But when they found out you either wouldn't or couldn't they begin to be mean. Hurt you, make fun of you. Show you how worthless you are," he finished for her.

"Yeah," she sighed. She still held the shiny thing in her hand. Naruto kinda liked how it was really bright even in the darkness.

"How," his small body began to shake. "How can I trust you? It wasn't always guys who tried to touch me. Girls did it too."

Anko snapped her case shut and stood. She tossed it to him and it skidded to a halt at his feet. "Carry that. Only touch the handle. If you don't you'll get shocked."

She walked past him and headed back to the street. "You didn't answer me!" he screamed. "How can I trust you if you were _his_ friend?!"

Anko stopped and looked at him over her shoulder. He waited a moment before turning. His eyes widened as he saw Mitarashi Anko with a halo of light around her face. But instead of becoming angelic she became demonic. Her eyes were two deep, muddy pools. He saw the same beasts of torment slipping in and out of them, flowing from eye to eye.

"Because kid," she said just loud enough for him. "You just can."

Uzumaki Naruto blinked. She stepped back into the street and took a deep breath before she began to tap her foot. Another quick glance behind her and he realized she was waiting on him. _No one_ had ever waited for _him._ _No one_.

_You just can_.

And for the first time in his depressingly sad life, Uzumaki Naruto could trust what an adult said completely.

**Xxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxX**

The darkness of the man's home was like a stench. It was everywhere and hard to pinpoint. The man was currently lying sprawled out on a dirty mattress. It was covered in different kinds of filth, all of the human variety. Beside him was what Mitarashi Anko could only describe as the 'poster girl for jailbait.' She was a young and, at one time anyway, pretty thing with soft brown hair and full pouty lips.

But her pretty face had become gaunt. Her flesh, stretched taught over her bones, was tan and marked by the different kinds of evil humans could perpetuate. The hair was filled with such levels of whatever she had put her head near it was stained black.

The man himself was bigger than she would have thought the kid could escape from on his own. He had the upper body and leg strength of a lifelong porter and the shaved head to match. She scanned his topless body quickly, finding the abundance of muscles sickening, and locked onto the scar.

He was also missing the left most two fingers on his left hand. The stubs twitched ever so slightly in his sleep.

Anko drew from her long and tattered trench coat a syringe. She filled it half way with a special drug of her own choosing and forced the needle into the girl's throat. Her eyes shot open immediately. She tried to move but only succeeded in whimpering.

Anko replaced that syringe with a specially prepared one. It had a nice serrated needle, perfect for making a lot of pain as it went in. She proceeded to tease the man's scar with the tip. She waited until he smiled in his sleep before jamming it in. He groaned. His teeth bared in a grimace as the painful drug was pushed into his body.

His eyes scanned the room and found her, over him, with a shit eating grin on her face.

"Heya. I'm Anko. Jounin. Wanna hear a funny story?" she asked. "I was just about to leave this village. Become a missing ninja and all that. When I met this kid. Who just so happened to have almost been molested by a guy who looks a _whole_ lot like you. And well. If you don't know who I am then you're too far out of the loop to care. But I'm Orochimaru's old apprentice."

Fear and recognition floated over his pupils.

"Ah. So you know my stance on child abuse. Well that's why your little tart got the _regular_ paralysis drug and you got the drug that dulls movement, not pain. I'm gonna proceed to softly cut your vocal chords so you can't scream. Then I'm gonna rearrange your organs in alphabetical order." She smiled sweetly before looking at the girl. "And guess what happens to little miss rendezvous organizer? She gets to experience the sensation of someone _dying_ next to them before I surgically remove your clitoris and the first few layers of your vaginal walls."

Anko stood back and pulled on a pair of arm length rubber gloves. She grinned as she snapped her fingers. The door to the dinky apartment opened and Naruto walked in, dragging the suitcase. He deposited it, with a very heavy bout of panting, by Anko's left foot.

"Thanks Naruto. Now go wait outside," she said softly.

"But I want to watch!"

"No."

"Please! I want to see this guy's guts for what-"

"_**No.**_" Naruto cringed when he heard her voice. She bent down and put a hand on his head. "No. This is not for you. Take heed that he's going to pay for what he did to you. What I do now is for my own benefit. I'm using you as an excuse. So go outside. Don't peek, and remain a kid for a little bit longer." She stood up and adjusted her gloves. "Go Naruto."

He stayed at her side for a minute before doing as she told. He ran to the door and slammed it shut. She waited until she felt his signature go to the end of the hall, where she 

had put a special genjutsu up for him. No one entering or leaving this floor would see him, and any ninja who _did_ sense the illusion would think it was a fellow ninja in another room.

"Well. Now to work." She bent down, retrieved the case, and set it next to the man. With a flick of her thumbs it was open. "Have a horrible last night you sick fuck. Because this is the last night anyone messes with Uzumaki Naruto."

**Xxxxx.xxxxx.xxxxX**

Anko exited the apartment several hours later. Her face and chest were splattered with blood. She released the genjutsu around Naruto and looked at him. His eyes were a bit wide, but he didn't seem to care she was bloody. He stood up and tentatively held out his hand. Anko looked at it and smiled. She took it in hers and lead him down the stairs to the street. The night air was still dark, still cold. But it held something new.

It held just a tiny hint of hope.

"You didn't tell me your name."

"It's Anko, Naruto."

"I like your name."

"Thanks kid. Yours is kinda cool too."

"Where we going?"

"My place. Then we'll take a bath. Get something to eat and go to sleep."

"Can we have ramen?"

"Ramen? Kid…I think it's time I introduced you to something wonderful. Better than ramen!"

"What is it?"

"Dango."


	2. Prologue Part 2

A/N: Hey another new chapter. I decided to change a character around to fit better with how I envision he would truly be. Also I'm sorry for not doing the ages before currently Naruto is 7 and Anko is 18. I enjoy this story and I hope the minor changes made to the characters to fit it will resonate well. Enjoy I may be posting more today or within the next week depending on work.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Some evils are necessary.

This little statement and others like it have caused everything from a mere increase of fines and taxes to genocide and torture. But sadly enough it is true. In a world where warriors who master the deadly and ancient arts of killing, justice is scarce. In fact the lone man standing in the crisp morning air in the middle of the street rarely believed it existed anymore. This single man once thought that justice was dead.

However…

He had seen it _is not_ by a mere logical conclusion.

Justice is the balance of a decent act against an indecent one. The act of betraying and harming a child is indecent. The act of becoming a guardian of your home and your neighbors is a decent act. Therefore, Mitarashi Anko, for a short time anyway, had been an embodiment of justice to this man.

"BUT ALAS!" he cried suddenly causing some in their beds to shudder violently with memories of a certain martial arts master. "SHE LEAVES US IN THE NIGHT!" He unleashed one of the quirks that only Anko knew off. Taking a small embroidered handkerchief from his breast pocket Morino Ibiki wiped the tears from his eyes. "I should have known. This town was so hard on her when she just wanted to be accepted." He whimpered and shook his shoulders holding back his tears.

Few people know Mitarashi Anko loves to cook, sing, and dance. These few people also know one interesting fact: Morino Ibiki is the biggest, most emotional sap in Konoha. Hands down. Gai cannot even touch this man. Believe it.

"Well at least I can deter them from making a direct execution on sight order by removing any potentially misleading things from her home. I hope she kept the torture implements with her though. They were a gift after all."

The still emotional Ibiki took out his ring of keys and selected the extra Anko had given him after her third attempt to drown her sorrows in hard alcohol. It was also when Ibiki proposed 19 to be the legal limit for ninja in the service to Konoha from the original 16. At least at 19 young girls wouldn't still be whining about their periods.

He hoped.

Entering Anko's home was continuously a shock to Ibiki. He knew Anko's favorite color was lavender, but still. Few men, even those with sexual persuasion of a masculine nature or otherwise, can handle so much damn _purple_.

At once his innate senses felt two presences in the house. From his memory of the layout it had to be Anko's bedroom and guest room. He put his hands in his pocket and opened the small fabric compartments that held his special poisoned senbon. Strolling quite calmly Ibiki started to ascend the top flight of stairs. When he reached the top the rush of water and creak of a door alerted Ibiki to his immediate right where Naruto struggled to leave the bathroom.

"Ugh. Why does every glass of milk I drink do this to m-" he stopped dead as he saw Ibiki.

Ibiki himself was flabbergasted. _The Kyuubi kid. In _Anko's _house. This…does not add up._ "What are you doing here?" he asked.

Naruto's eye twitched. Normally any unknown presence in his current residence would trigger a panic attack and flight reaction. However…

He had Anko now.

"HOME INAVSION!" he screamed as he took off straight for Anko's room. Ibiki blinked once more and pinched the bridge of his nose.

_What is going on?_ He turned to follow just as Naruto kicked open Anko's door and leapt into his new friend's bed.

Anko's groggy face appeared but not before Naruto's flying body tackled her knocking the wind out of her and causing her head to connect to the wall. "Naruto," she snarled. "WHY ARE YOU JUMPING AROUND MY DAMN HOUSE YOU LITTLE BRAT?!"

"I scared him," Ibiki answered. He waved to his young protégé from her doorway. "And you have _surprised_ me Anko."

"Ah…Ibiki…nice to see ya again boss!"

Naruto who had been momentarily knocked unconscious by Anko's abs and then the floor suddenly sat up. "HOME INVASION!"

**.XxxxX.**

Ibiki sipped his tea slowly. It was a bit much to take in. Naruto was busy experiencing Saturday morning cartoons for the first time in his life. Random cries of 'Spin on!' and 'Who the hell do you think I am!' echoed from the living room just next to Anko's small kitchen. Anko herself was gazing in his direction, her eyes showing a somewhat maternal vigilance.

"So, that murder was yours," Ibiki stated deliberately.

"It wasn't murder," Anko retorted. "His lack of blood is what killed him. I merely helped him drain it. It was assisted suicide if anything."

"But why the girl?"

Anko's hands tightened their grip on her own tea cup, "She tricked Naruto into coming with her. She was gonna use him to replace herself."

"I see," he took another, slightly longer sip, "Sad business. I always believed the sections near the gate to be a bit…less desirable than those away from it for a reason."

"You have no idea."

From the next room, "…PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"

Ibiki smiled, "He sounds happy."

"He's discovered dango how can he not be?" Anko asked with a small smile.

"I'll have to report this you know."

"Why?"

"Why?" Ibiki responded, his face showing complete disbelief. "You all but abducted a child with no claim to him and the committed two unsanctioned murders!"

Anko's eyes turned to Ibiki. His own clouded over to avoid being read by his apprentice. In her orbs he saw the dark feelings she hid most of her life after the Incident with her former master. A kind of slithering hatred for all like him.

"I already submitted my report on the deaths. I stated 'justified interrogation related' as reason for execution."

"Justified?"

"No one messes with Uzumaki Naruto, no one. That's the law in essence eh?" Ibiki nodded. "So wouldn't attempted rape, torture, and forced imprisonment count as 'messing'?"

"I see your point. So you interrogated them for what exactly?"

"Information on any other children he's fucked up. I got about four or five. I put that in the report too," she explained as she stood to pour herself another cup.

Ibiki's sense of justice ticked slightly within his head. "Interesting point. I assume the Hokage has heard about this?"

Anko looked at him with her wide eyed 'do I really look that stupid to you?' glare she had. "I turned in the file myself early this morning."

Ibiki bawked, "What?"

And of course, that was when ANBU came calling.

**.xxxxX**

Sarutobi sighed. His pipe was already cooling and the embers in it barely had enough fuel to spark at even after a long drawn out draught. He eyed the file with a hint of whimsy. His mind, still sharp and acute even at his age, examined everything. Even with only seventeen photos from the scene and a minor report from the perpetrating ninja he already knew what had occurred and how severe the punishment should be.

Now he only needed to see if Anko deserved it.

While every action he found traced back to his wayward student weighed heavily on the Hokage's shoulders it did not deter him from his mission. The people of Konoha were his family. And when one member of that family harmed another it was his duty to punish them. But the question falls on why Anko checked the 'death brought about through interrogation' box?

A knock came to his double doors.

"Enter," he bade.

Two ANBU, Anko and Naruto walked into the room. The ANBU nodded and returned to their posts outside the view of the people in the room. Naruto was too busy rambling to Anko about the show had been watching.

"Anko," the Hokage's voice was firm, unyielding and commanded a quiet respect of both children, yes he viewed even a ninja as distinguished as Anko as a child, before him. "Why are these two civilians dead?"

Anko immediately stood as still as a soldier. "Sir. During interrogations the recipients of the torture died. Their deaths were due to a lack of medical equipment."

"Why were you interrogating these two? And how when the reports from our coroner read two very large doses of nerve relaxant?" he asked waving the report in her direction.

Anko's eyes flew to Naruto. The small child, realizing what they were talking about was too important for him to understand, had begun playing with a small puzzle Anko had given him.

"Does it pertain to my special decree?" the third asked, intertwining his fingers and resting them on his lap.

"Yes sir. Per your decree the targets were involved in actions that jeopardized the welfare of the decree's…" Anko searched for the word, "beneficiary."

Sarutobi closed his eyes and sighed. _So if what she says is true the most I could afford to charge her with is ignoring protocol._

"Naruto," the child looked at him, "Did you know the man Anko worked on last night."

"Didn't _know_ him."

Sarutobi smiled wanly, "Did you know _of_ him then."

"Yeah he tried to get a hold of me. But I got his fingers and his neck. Got away."

"I see. Naruto could you wait outside please?"

"Sure Sandaime-jii-san!" Naruto turned and walked to the door, still fiddling with the puzzle, but he turned to give Anko one last look before opening the door and leaving the room.

When the door closed Sandaime looked at Anko. "You have done something few people in this village would dare do Anko. Unsanctioned torture of civilians? Taking a minor that you have no legal claim to?"

"Sir in all respect he had been living on the streets for a week!" Anko snarled. "And merely because of his night vision!"

"Ah yes that, I was hoping it would fade as he got older."

"Well it didn't! And he was nearly raped because of it!" She hissed, venomous.

Sarutobi blinked, obviously not going to give up his superior air, "So. You propose justification?"

"Yes sir!"

The aging man sighed deeply and rubbed his chin. "Very well Anko. You will take a three week suspension with half pay. Also you shall take full responsibility for what you have done."

"Yes sir!" Anko said.

"Naruto, you can come back in now," Hokage said to a special intercom. Naruto's head appeared, his face showing he was trying to listen in. "I wanted to ask you a question or two. Is that okay?"

"Sure. Whatcha need?" Naruto replied taking his place beside Anko, something Sarutobi didn't miss.

The old man smiled, "Do you like Anko?" he asked.

The blonde smiled wide, showing off his eerily bright teeth and nodded furiously. "Anko-chan is awesome!" he said as he grabbed her hand and swung it back and forth.

"How is Anko's house?"

Naruto went into such a flurry describing how 'awesome and super' her house was the Hokage had to have Anko visibly restrain the boy lest he run out of air.

"Would you like to stay there?" this sudden question caused both of them to stare stupidly at the old man. "Mitarashi Anko, you, in direct violation of custody and minor safety laws of Konohagakure no Sato took in a child you have no legal responsibility for. As punishment you shall spend the next three weeks acclimating yourself and your home to the standards all shinobi guardians must adhere to." He held out a small pamphlet containing the safety standards of a ninja's home.

Anko blinked and took the papers surprised. "Does that mean?"

"Yes Uzumaki Naruto is now under the official care and guidance of one Mitarashi Anko," the old ninja said smiling widely.

Naruto made one of the happiest sounds he had ever done and leapt upwards, before being caught by Anko to avoid the boy from falling and hurting himself.

"Naruto!" Sarutobi called to settle the two down. The blonde looked at him. "You will be Anko's ward. As such you will obey and listen to her as if she was me, do you understand?"

Anko set Naruto down and the young blonde nodded. He saluted Sarutobi as ancient civilian military would, "Yes sir Sandaime-Jiisan!"

Sarutobi smiled, _he could at least call me Hokage…_the aged ninja mused. "Well be off with it you two. Anko don't forget to pick up Naruto's things from the orphanage."

"No problem sir," Anko saluting as well.

Both then exited his office with the enthusiasm Sarutobi had not seen in almost fifteen minutes since he sent Hayato to a small eucalyptus field. He emptied his pipe into a hidden ash tray and filled it again.

"There is a good chance that was a decision based on senility."

**.xxxxX**

The orphanage was, sadly, one of about fifteen in the village. As with its fellow establishments it had been founded during the second great ninja war after a staggering loss of the adult ninja population. The Second had made the decision that such children would be monitored to hopefully, and willingly, one day take their parents place.

Its current proprietor and owner was a stout woman named Shimochi. She looked older than she was due to her husband's long bout with cancer that finally claimed him some time back and the tragic death of her son during an attack by bandits in his small village on the borders of the Land of Fire. Once bright red hair was now almost white and many shallow wrinkles lined her face.

She was sweeping the main courtyard of any leaves and children debris before the end of the afternoon homework time. As she swept she heard someone approach and looked up to see, of all _things_, Naruto and Anko walking toward her.

"God dammit…" she hissed as she noticed Naruto was walking deliberately toward her wonderfully Naruto-free orphanage. "Have you stopped doing it yet brat?!" she yelled nearly down the road a few people looked, amazed at the rudeness, before walking on their way.

"Uh…Heya," Anko said waving when she and Naruto reached the old woman. "I'm Mitarashi An-"

"I know who, and _what_ you are," she hissed.

Anko's smile didn't drop in the slightest. "Yeah…well I'm Naruto's legal guardian now so I brought him to get his stuff. Hurry up kid I'll wait out here." Naruto glanced between them, looking nervously at Anko but her disarming smile convinced him to run along.

Shimochi leaned in close to Anko whispering venomously in her ear, "So you go for things like him huh? Well I hope you keep him in a dark hole and use whim for what-"

Anko kept smiling and nodding until she saw Naruto enter the house.

Her hand shot out quick as a viper and grabbed Shimochi's mouth, squeezing her ums until they started to bleed. "Listen bitch. Did you hear about the murder last night?" She forced Shimochi to nod, "Well that was me. I killed the pedo because he aimed for Naruto. Because _someone_ let him wander around for a week outside with no food or shelter. So tell me. Should I _interrogate you too?_"

She forced her captive to shake her head.

"Good. Now I have a question." Anko drew a piece of paper from her pocket and held it up. It was an accounting ledger's page.

From her ledger.

"Why do all of the dates for a certain 'charity donation' coincide with the dates Naruto was supposed to receive his family's death wages?" Anko asked.

Cold sweat broke out on Shimochi's forehead.

"Ooh…I see. That's cool. Well you now owe me this amount." Anko use her pinky to point to the lump sum of the death wages Naruto's family had garnered due to their service. "If you don't pay me, in any way you see fit we'll work out logistics later, then I'll hide a very powerful narcotic on your person, right now, and then litter your orphanage with drug paraphernalia and used condoms." Anko, who had been smiling at the house turned her eyes to Shimochi and glared at her drawing the old bag as close as she could.

"and if you _ever_ let this kind of thing happen to a kid again, or if your many 'charitable donations' came from where I think they've come from I'll make sure every single parent and ninja in Konoha knows what a careless old bitch you really are."

She let Shimochi go and pushed her down. "And I'll make a nifty net profit by selling torches and pitchforks and tar for your old fat ass!" she said cheerily.

The caretaker slowly rose and turned from Anko, holding her face. She passed Naruto, who bowed and said goodbye, and to Shimochi's horror, hugged her leg.

"Sorry about not stopping the thing with my eyes! I'll try hard to remember the manners you taught me!" Naruto said grinning his bright cheery smile before running to Anko, the bag she had given him stuffed with his clothes and few personal belongings.

When he reached his new guardian Naruto looked up at her, "she wasn't mean was she?"

Anko looked at him blinking, "Mean? No! And even if she was do you really have to worry about _me?_" Anko asked putting a hand on her hip, pushing out her chest, and pointing to herself with a thumb.

"No!" Naruto said shaking his head.

"And why is that?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE ANKO-CHAN!" Naruto said jumping and throwing his hands up 'banzai.'

Anko snapped her fingers and caught him hauling him and his bag over her shoulder like wheat. "RIGHT! Now let's get some dango I'm starving."

"Aww! Can't we stop by Ichiraku's? I want you to meet Ayame-chan! She's really nice she always gives me a kiss on the cheek!" Naruto's rolled on Anko's shoulder so her could sit up, "If you're nice to her she make even kiss you!"

Anko rolled her eyes, "Kid, when you get older that will be your fondest memory."

"Why do you say that?"

* * *

A/N: Why indeed little Naruto, why indeed. Mainly because _all_ male, and some female, Naruto fans would enjoy that thought. and if you don't you're lying to yourself and are hollow on the inside.

Side Note: Yes Ibiki will help raise Naruto, whether he's realized it or not the kid has grown on him in the short time they've met. Just to let you know the time between now and the graduation exam will be mostly covered by flash backs and some omake. But also, what kind of pressure will he be under as he gets older?

**OMAKE: AT THE RAMEN STAND**

Ayame: So you're Naruto's legal guardian?

Anko: Yep. Clear as print on paper.

Naruto: Yeah and she's really great! Her hosue is awesome! I know you couldn't come to the orphanage Ayame-chan but maybe you cold come over!

Ayame (smiling): Oh Naruto maybe you should ask your new mommy!

Anko (sputtering): M-mommy?! You're calling me a mother?!

Kakashi (While waltzing by): A mother I'd like to (not for small children)

Ayame and Anko (Yelling): KAKSHI YOU FOUL MOUTHED PERVERT!

Naruto: What's (Bad word!) mean?


	3. Test Day Sucks

A/N: This chapter went longer than it thouht it would have, it also went to a few strange places. It's kinda funny how I included a little bit of foreshadowing to something that we all know backwards, forwards, in different times and different universes. Hell change the names, faces, and story base and we'd recognize it. But oh, well. Enjoy.

I do not own Naruto or any of the universe.

**

* * *

Chapter 3**

Iruka looked over the results of the various tests his class had just finished taking. So far they had done very well. He began to read off the names. Those that had passed walked down to his desk and took one of their prized headbands.

Slowly has the names reach the S's Naruto began to fidget. He tugged at the sleeves of his orange jacket with his thumbs and forefingers, a nervous habit Ibiki had yet to wipe from his subconscious. His mouth went dry as he heard Ushida.

_I did not fail, I did not fail…of all the things I did today I did not fail…I hope…_

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Iruka called. Naruto stood straight like a board and walked rigidly down the stairs.

"Way to go. Dead last in the order _and_ the test."

"Come on why even pretend Naruto you might as well walk out the door."

"Five to one he shits himself."

"If you run home crying tell your big sis I was supportive of your pain!"

Naruto stood before his teacher, sweat collecting on his temples and under his arms. His ankle length coat seemed to be trying to crawl off of his back and shoulders.

"When was the last time he washed that thing anyway?" he heard Ino lament. "At least pick another color…god."

"As per your test results…Above average in ranged weaponry skills. Average in examinations and testing, and based on this collection of data I can say without a doubt-"

Naruto sighed, Anko was right he just had to take it slow and everything worked out fi-

"YOU'RE A FAILURE!"

"Huh?" Naruto asked as Iruka's eyes flared red. He jabbed his finger directly into Naruto's nose pushing the student backward into the bottom level desks.

"HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH A **FAILURE**?" Iruka roared.

"I uh…try hard?" Naruto stammered. A foot collided with his skull, he looked up to see Ino, the owner of the foot which was still on his head, and the other girls glaring at him.

"WHY CAN'T YOU BE LESS OF A **FAILURE**AND MORE LIKE **SASUKE**?"

"I'm only Naruto so I can't really-"

"SHUT UP! I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ICHIRAKU'S EVEN ALLOW YOU IN THEIR STAND!" Iruka continued to yell, biting his clipboard in half and chewing it.

"WE SURE AS HELL WON'T NOW THAT WE KNOW WHAT A **FAILURE** HE IS!" Teuchi and Ayame screamed in unison as they entered the classroom.

Soon every adult and child he knew was pointing and saying that damn word, again and again.

But the worst came as Ibiki and Anko pushed through the crowd and faced him.

"Naruto…"

"Uh-oh…I remember this part from last time," the young blonde said as Anko lifted her hand. A series of extremely sharp knives, and tools appeared between her fingers.

"I can't allow such a **FAILURE** into my home. We'll just have to **BREEP-BREEP-BREEP!**"

**.xxxxX**

His fist slammed down on his alarm jarring it and causing the annoying thing to fall and break. Pulling himself into a sitting position Naruto rubbed his eyes. He grumbled and swung his feet onto his floor. The soft carpet sent a warm fuzzy feeling into his belly.

Well it would if the images from his nightmare weren't still fresh in his mind.

"At least give me a wet dream on such a stressful day…jeez."

**.xxxxX**

Down stairs in Anko's small kitchen the named owner was making one of her ward's favorite meals. The sugary smell of the French toast wafted around the kitchen and mingled pleasantly with the scent of bacon and coffee. Ibiki sampled a cup as he read through Anko's paper, eyeing the sports scores for several local games of soccer and baseball.

"He's late getting up," Ibiki noted as he looked at the clock on the wall above the small dinette table.

"I changed the time his alarm would go off to give him a bit more rest," Anko explained as she flipped a rather large omelet onto a plate and covered it in cheese and ketchup. She placed it in front of Ibiki who thanked her, folded his paper and prepared to eat.

Anko smacked his hands with a wooden spoon. "No one eats before me at my table got it?"

Ibiki pouted and rubbed his hand, "You didn't have to hit me," he whined.

"Like it really hurt Scarface," they heard from the small opening. Naruto stood, scratching his lower left side, and yawned.

"It will hurt more after I beat your ass for calling me Scarface again," Ibiki snorted.

Naruto waved away the threat and gave Anko a good morning hug. She patted his head and pushed him in the direction of his seat. She gave him a glass of orange juice and a few pieces of both toast and bacon.

"Eat up, it will help start that slow brain of yours," Anko ordered as she sat down and started cutting into a three stack of pancakes.

Naruto grunted and bit down hard on his fork. Anko's eye twitched as Naruto's stronger and sharper than average teeth made dents in her silverware. "Aren't insults a form of child abuse? You may damage my fragile self image!" Naruto opined making a melodramatic pose with his wrist against his forehead.

Anko balanced her chin on her own wrist after she finished her latest forkful, "You're stupid, ugly, and smell like wet fur on a good day," Anko deadpanned.

Naruto made a dismissive sound and pouted as he stuffed bacon into his mouth, "And it's crap like that that's gonna keep you from having grandkids."

Ibiki sipped his coffee, "No that would be your atrocious habits and personal hygiene."

"I'm smelly now? Can't you think of something better?" Naruto asked, honestly disappointed in his two favorite people. Normally he would have been in the middle a full blown rage fit from their combined insulting ability. "So…what's up with you two? I'm not spewing words I shouldn't know yet," he commented.

Anko and Ibiki exchanged and a glance before both of them set down their utensils and looked at Naruto, "We have an important 'patient' today. A high ranking spy from the Hidden Mist. We may miss your test."

Naruto started. His blue eyes went wide and looked at both intently. Anko and Ibiki immediately lost all traces of emotion as Naruto began to examine their expressions. Ibiki had only _one_ tell. It was so minute and fast it took Naruto two years to notice it when Ibiki did it on purpose.

Anko on the other hand had learned to transfer her tells to other parts of her body. This amazing mental control was the main reason she wore no bra. What man would examine Anko's hips or forearms for muscle spasms when her breasts were so blatantly exposed?

Of course this _is_ a ninja village. Of all its residents Anko could testify to some freaky fetishes floating around.

Naruto's eyes flew around both of them and sadly he found no hint of a lie. There was a good chance he would be alone today. He put his own fork down and fidgeted with the sleeves of the undershirt he had one.

Ibiki's hand shot out and smacked his hands away. He grabbed Naruto by the collar and hugged him. "Don't be sad little one."

_Shit…I hit his _sappy asshole_ button…_Naruto sighed in his mind.

"We will be there with you! INSPIRIT!"

_This man will deafen me before I turn fifteen. I'm sure of it_.

He held Naruto at arm's length and looked him over. "Anko and I have taught you every basic move and technique use in this village as well as three others. You have mastered them and improvised them in ways to _almost_ touch us when we spar. _That_ is why you will pass. That and because we love you, and no failure will ever stop that."

Anko stood up and put her hand on Naruto's shoulder. "That's right Naruto. However," both she and Ibiki squeezed until Naruto winced visibly, "If you _do_ happen to fail miserably my love for you will be expressed in intense and frightening pain until you pass…one year from today."

Naruto gulped and said, "Yes ma'am."

"That goes for me too," Ibiki put in.

"Got it…"

"NOW NARUTO!" Ibiki stood and stretched forth his hand spaying his fingers and putting one fist on his hip, "GO FORTH AND PREVAIL!"

"Uh, yeah. I'm gonna go wash my teeth first."

"VERY GOOD! ORAL HYGIENE IS NEXT TO HOKGAE-NESS!"

Anko and Naruto both pinched the bridge of their noses. As Naruto passed her she gave him a few signals in sign, _It's your fault he says stuff like that now._

Naruto grinned showing off his overly white teeth, even after eating, and headed back upstairs to his bathroom. Anko raised an eyebrow as she looked at Ibiki, who was holding his pose.

"Reason?"

"Motivation."

"Ah…" Anko turned from him and walked toward her own bathroom. "I'm gonna take a shower and get ready…are you alright or-"

"I'm fine."

"Gotcha…" Anko shook her head and closed her bathroom's door behind her. As soon as it was locked a shiver ran through her entire body. An image of Naruto's grinning face flashed through her head. "Oooh." Anko sighed. "His first girlfriend is gonna be a freak," she lamented, stripping and turning on her shower. Anko sat on her bathroom's stool and poured water over herself. "His first girlfriend. Feh. Not from this village," Ano sighed.

**.xxxxX**

Four years prior: Ward age: 9, Guardian age: 20

Anko sat on her stoop in the gloom, glaring at the small collection of people across the street in the alley. They had kept to the shadows, however Anko had used a small ninjutsu to give herself heat vision, and saw them clearly. She also saw the pipes and swords they had in their hands. She was partially surprised that such a force would be assembled after she had taken the kid in.

Partially surprised.

She lifted the bottle of beer she had and tested how much was left. She had been drinking it sparingly, making sure not to get drunk. She did not want to have beer goggles on while only seeing the spectrum of heat.

No matter how awesome that could potentially be.

She drained her beer, while keeping one eye on the group and decided to test the waters. She flipped it in her hand and spun it toward the leader. With a satisfying crunch it crashed against his head and sent him tumbling to the ground.

"SNAKE BITCH!"

Anko stood and cracked her knuckles. "Come and get it boys."

The mob of four men and two women charged. A man and woman duo had ninja training by how they kept behind the civilian meat fodder. Anko smiled and snapped her fingers.

Suddenly ten ANBU surrounded the mob.

"Shit…" the impromptu leader said, his head twisting back and forth.

"Ooh. I'd hate to be you guys in the morning." Anko check her watch. "I'm gonna get some sleep guys make sure they're treated nice. I am the lead torturer for all criminals who break the Decree of the Third concerning my little ward," she said grinning before making her way back inside. With a grunt Anko released the technique and rubbed her eyes. They always stung when she deactivated it.

"Anko?" A small voice from down the hall asked.

Her head shot up and she saw Naruto's tell-tale glowing eyes looking at her. He was sitting on the floor with his legs up to his chest. She sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulder.

"Why aren't you asleep?" she asked.

"I had a bad dream and went to your bed room, you were outside so I just waited down here. Then I heard those people…why do all the adults hate me and tell the kids to ignore me?" he whispered, burying his face in his knees.

Anko hugged him and put her chin on his head. "Let's go to bed Naruto."

As she stood she watched him for a few minutes before he followed.

**.xxxxX**

Anko dried her hair and used a series of tiny, and deceptively sharp, pins to hold it in place before tying her headband on. She looked at herself in the mirror and adjusted her breasts so her nipples fell just on the outside of the special chakra clips that kept her Coat in the perfect position for censorship.

Donning the signature garment Anko rolled her sleeves up and checked her tattoos. The special summoning styles mixed in with ornate ink painting. Her favorite piece was the one on her back. It had been designed, for the most part, by Naruto when he was first learning seals and other 'quick' ninjutsu abilities. The image was entirely tribal, for which Naruto was actually a pretty good artist at, and showed a large and powerful fox biting the neck of a huge many headed snake that had entwined its many tails around a beautiful maiden.

Despite her love of the image Anko could not help but shudder at the imagery and meaning behind it. Her hand absently went to her curse seal and rubbed the skin. What she hated the most about was how _soft_ and velvety the seal felt, like fabric that had been glued to her. Her nails brushed against it sending shockwaves of equal parts revulsion and ecstasy through her body.

Hissing Anko dug her nails into the marred flesh and glared at her reflection in the mirror.

_Beware such things as self mutilation Anko. They do nothing more than prolong your acceptance of the pain you wish to replace._

She stopped and pulled her hand away. Small lines of blood dotted her finger tips and palm. Using the faucet she wiped her hands and walked out to see Naruto slurping noodles from a cup of ramen.

"You just ate, Naruto. Don't overeat, it'll make you slow."

"I know. I'm just still hungry. You know how it gets sometimes," he explained. Anko nodded. "I'm heading out, how long do you guys think it will take?" he asked when they had gone outside. Anko locked the door and looked to Ibiki.

He shrugged. "Mist are either psychotics or fanatically loyal. Only a scant few are normal minded ninja who can easily be interrogated with mild techniques. It could be all day. I'm sorry Naruto."

The blonde in the orange jacket shrugged in response. "It's fine. You guys are the ones missing out. Watch as I obliterate that smug smile right off Uchiha's face!"

Anko gave him a thumbs up as the three went on their way. "knock em dead kid! The Mitarashi name is on the line!"

"Gotcha!" Naruto turned and ran up the side of the nearest building before he began leaping toward the school. He stopped and check the time on the clock tower and grinned. He had about three hours before he had to sign in for the test.

And he had just restocked his paint supply with his last allowance.

**.xxxxX**

Naruto wiped his forehead with is arm and sighed as he leaned back against the trees atop the Third's head. He examined his work and smiled, of course only things with infrared vision could see it, for now. In his own opinion the Hokage had never looked so good. He wondered how the effect would be if he did it now, revealing the whole thing to the village.

He shook his head after a few moments of contemplation. "Nah there's a good chance they'd take the opportunity to make me clean it and miss the test. If I pass or fail this will be my going away present to the teachers at the academy." Naruto's foxy smile spread until it reached his ears. "I have to wonder if this town is ready for me to be a ninja…" he shrugged and tossed his paint brush and roller into the small box of tools and hid it in the small compartment he had made almost seven years ago on Fourth Remembrance Day. It had been originally a hiding place for him but after he moved in with Anko he turned it into a storage facility to keep his prank materials hidden.

While glancing around he found a set of stink bombs he had bought just before the prank store he visited closed down. He flipped the box over in his hand and made his second rash decision of the day.

_Now listen Naruto, scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. So you must master using your nose to discern and analyze smells. It helps you keep track of things subconsciously_…as Ibiki had once told him.

"In my opinion," he said to the box, "you guys smell better than wet fur. I'd rather be remembered for you than that!"

He checked his time, forty minutes to get down and to the school for sign in, before tucking them into his pocket and sprinting off.

**.xxxxX**

There are over fifty instructors and part time teachers and substitutes at the Konoha Ninja Cadet Academy. The average student may meet half of them and only study under four or five. However, Uzumaki Naruto had met and studied under all fifty. Not because he wanted an advanced and varied education, but because of who and what he was.

He was generally smarter than them and had a knack for proving it not in with intelligent discussions, but with mind shattering displays of cunning.

Gentai shook in her seat as she hugged her arms. "I'M NOT DOING IT!" she bellowed.

Iruka rubbed his scar, "why?"

"You remember what he did to me! I'm not going to be his watcher! What if he has more of them!" Gentai is tragically afraid of spiders and birds. This fear is irrational and powerful and the main reason she instructs instead of serves in the main force of Ninja.

Naruto made a fully functional bird/spider hybrid puppet and chased her with it after she gave him an F in 'Foreign enemy studies. The original project he did was try to create a Kusa ninja disguise which failed because the grasses and plants he needed did not grow in Konoha's forests, despite using what he had it should have been at least a C.

So to spite her he asked for another chance and studied up on Sunagakure Chakra puppets. While his used regular strings it was made using actual bird bones and real spider fangs from specimens Ibiki kept to test poisons on.

The end result was Naruto had to be transferred because after he chased her he claimed he could create another one from scratch at any time and he would counter all prejudice from her with an army of the puppets.

Iruka, who had been one of the many teachers who thought 'Gentai's Hysterical Run of Doom' to be hilarious, could not argue. "Alright fine. Fuki-san?"

The long haired man shook his head furiously. "Hell. No."

"why not?"

"Iruka…it took fifteen separate washings to get the smell of cats and mice out of my uniform. And in the end I still had animals chasing me for weeks. And it wasn't just _one_ it was ALL of them! he spread those pheromones like wild fire! Had to move out of my house because of him!"

Iruka's shoulders sank, the only good thing about this situation was they were admitting they would not be neutral watchers of Naruto's performance today in the test. Normally a single test of ninja techniques would be all that's required, however with increased hostilities between their neighbors and rumors of powerful ninja organizations increasing the Hokage had declared a fundamental change in the way testing was done.

A complete exam of all aspects of the student. Physical ability, technique, and knowledge of ninja arts and lore were required. The test would be done one class at a time, each of the thirty students being watched by a single teacher who evaluates how they react to the different pressures and rigors of the test. Even a perfect score can be null and void if the child that gives it is too focused on the test and not on what he has learned.

Conversely, a student who does poorly on the test, but shows strong character may still pass and become eligible for Genin status.

However this all hinged on the child having a watcher. And the only student in Iruka's class yet to be assigned on was of course Uzumaki Naruto.

_Well at least it's not because he's a demon…a _real_ one anyway…_Iruka mused as he looked at the fifteen teachers available to watch his wayward student.

"Listen. I know you all have bad feelings toward Naruto because of his pranks but we all know he's had a harder life than most."

"It doesn't help that _woman_ he lives with encourages his behavior!" A female substitute chimed in, her hands crossed over her perky breasts.

_Why do flat chest women hate Anko _more_ than normal?..._Iruka decided to think about that later on.

"Noted, but can you fault him? In many cases he had a legitimate reason for acting out. We all know it's difficult to get a single teacher or administrator's attention on such a subject and _we_ work for the system. How is a child supposed to react?

A few wriggled in their seats, uncomfortable with being pegged as uncaring to the boy. It had taken quite a bit, but many realized he was far more than what the early years of his life had led many residents to believe he was. The mural in reverence to the Fourth and Third Hokage, showing both in their prime against their most noteworthy foes (Kobito Neesai of the Stone for Sarutobi, and the Nine-tails for the fourth) on the side of the school was a testament to it.

Not because it was abnormally beautiful or anything, it was actually fairly mediocre, it was just they hadn't figured out a way to wash it off yet.

An aide in the back raised his hand, "Fine. I'll do it. I'll watch Naruto," Mizuki called

"Ah good! Now that everything's set we can finally go through the final checklist for the physical test course. Hojujin? I believe you had that."

The named shinobi stood and addressed his colleagues on where to stand and observe their respective students. Mizuki however was no longer listening.

His plans for the day were far different than anyone else's.

**.xxxxX**

Sakura grumbled softly as she stalked toward class. Her stomach was killing her. She had tried to eat something this morning but the end effect was her body didn't want it and she nearly vomited it all up. She had already missed the deadline for the early exam a month ago and now had to take this exam and pass if she wanted to be in a ninja squad before the next year's graduates qualified.

All in all today was going to suck.

And the person walking in front of her was not helping. Naruto was eating a very large piece of fried pork, and had pasted it with his own bottle of sauce.

And it smelled _damn_ delicious.

He turned to regard her, "sure you don't want some Sakura-chan? Anko's special meat sauce is the best! I even pour it into my ramen!"

Sakura's mouth would have watered if the idea of sauce and ramen didn't make her stomach churn. "I'm sure Naruto. I don't want anything _she_ made." Sakura didn't catch the slight twitch of Naruto's left eyebrow as he turned to face forward. A sudden smacking sound alerted her to the way he began to ravenously eat the pork.

"Why are you even walking this way? You live on the other side of the academy!" she grunted, shoulders drooping.

"Well I had to speak to the old man and decided to stop by the ramen stand. Ichiraku-jii was trying out a new way to make pork before putting it in the ramen and asked if I wanted some so I got a free piece!" he said happily, his mouthful.

"Well can't you take, I don't know, a different way? I'm down wind of you and that _horrid_ coat of yours. Did you roll around in some mud puddle or something?"

"It hasn't rained for weeks. And actually I'm downwind of you and _you_ need to start eating better," he retorted as he licked some sauce from his fingers.

"What?" she snorted stopping short. Naruto turned to regard her and sucked on the stick he had used to hold his pork.

"You smell bad. It's because you don't eat enough or the right stuff so when you fart it smells like nothing."

Sakura's face turned bright red. "I DON'T FART!" she bellowed. The looks many turned to give her caused her whole body to turn red. "I don't fart she said in a softer tone."

"Yeah. You do. And they smell like nothing except minor intestinal bacteria. You need to eat more."

"Some of us can't afford to be pigs Naruto."

"Yeah, but then again some of us remember we're only THIRTEEN! And it's not healthy to deny your body food when it's growing. This will cause your tits to stay small y'know that right?" he deadpanned.

Sakura's red coloring from embarrassment suddenly changed to anger. She clenched her fist and flung it as hard as she could into Naruto's face. She smiled wickedly as she felt his nose under her knuckles. He fell backward, blood trickling from his nostrils and his eyes white.

"Go die Naruto!" she roared walking by the prone form.

After a few minutes the body became mud and sank into the ground.

**.xxxxX**

Arriving at the academy always caused mixed feelings to the young Haruno. She knew her mother was inside, her perfect size seven mother wither her amazing hair and blazing green eyes and dozens of awards for academic success.

_You want to be a _ninja?!_ What has gotten into you Sakura?! Why would you want to be a glorified killer? Is that what you really want? To kill people for a living? Why can't you want to help them like me and your father?! Fine then! I'll sign it! But you better be as good as you think you can be! As good as I _know_ you can be!_

Sakura clenched her fists and stormed inside toward her classroom, ignoring the waves and smiles from teachers. But when, while watching her feet and the image of punching her mother in the face just like she had to-

"NARUTO!" a female voice cried. Sakura looked up to see a certain pair of blondes running down the hall from behind her. "GIVE IT BACK!" Ino screamed her arms held out reaching for the end of Naruto's trailing coat.

"FINDER'S KEEPERS!"

"YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!"

He laughed, showing off his vicious teeth, which always creped Sakura out, and waved a small piece of paper, "Then you should have hidden it better!"

"IT WAS _WELL_ HIDDEN!"

"Panties don't count as a hiding place for me!" he stopped and whirled causing her to skid and fall backward on her but. Naruto bent forward and smiled, "I always check the pretty one's there first!"

His simultaneous compliment and lewd admission had Ino stammering.

Sakura snatched the picture from the unsuspecting mischief maker, "god I thought you would have learned after I decked you!" she looked at it to see a picture of Ino, at a very young age, standing beside a female actress, or what _appeared_ to be one. In truth it was Muto Kenichi, a famous Kabuki actor famed for his amazing portrayals of famous shinobi women.

Ino tucked her legs under her and pushed off, spinning around Naruto and wrenching her picture back. With her rear to them she lifted the end of her shirt and tucked it back into her leg wraps.

"These are special bindings for my waist! No panties Naruto!" she growled.

He sauntered up to her and smiled, getting far too close, "I love women who go commando. It's so…_sexy_," he hissed.

Ino put her hand on his face and pushed him away. "Nasty. Your breath smells like green peppers and beef."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. She noticed that Naruto's nose was fine. "Wait weren't you eating pork?" Sakura asked pointing at him.

Naruto looked at her with a wide eyed stare, which he always did when caught in the act. "Oh…" he took on a contemplative look. "OH! That's right You got the mud clone!"

"Huh?" both girls asked.

"Well Anko-chan taught it to me a while ago but I could never hold it together over long distances so I decided to see how far it could and sent it to Ichiraku's!" he explained.

"It was a clone?" Sakura asked. "So it said what you would have said normally right?"

"Yeah why?"

Her fist blasted him backward, smoke wafting off of his face.

As Sakura stalked by him Ino raised her hands in defeat. Bending over him she said, "Even I know not to mess with her when her mother is around. Why do something stupid in purpose like that Naruto?"

He coughed, "Just wanted to liven up the party. And…uh Ino?"

"Yeah?"

Naruto gave her a lecherous smirk, "Did your boobs get bigger recently because they have a much better sha-GAH!"

Ino stepped hard onto his face and used him as a stepping stone before following Sakura. "Idiot."

After she was out of earshot Naruto took the picture out of his pocket and looked at it. "Heh. Idiot who saw your panties."

**.xxxxX**

Iruka felt the tension immediately when Naruto entered the room. With a sickening crack he readjusted his nose into place was washing a boot print off of his face. Considering Sakura was rubbing a set of red and raw knuckles and Ino covered her chest with her arms as he walked in he could only assume Naruto was up to his old tricks.

_If he wasn't the container for the nine-tails he'd be the biggest pimp in Konoha…_Iruka mused as he watched Naruto take his seat next to Chouji.

"Damn what happened to you?" the chubby ninja asked.

Naruto said his next sentence as loud as he could, "Don't you know Chouji? The ladies can't keep their hands or feet off of me!" Ino, Sakura, and several other female class mates gave him the death glare. "See? They all want me."

Chouji, who could sense the blood lust shook his head, "More like they want you _in pieces_."

Naruto pointed at his friend, "Still means they want me," he grinned. This caused the two to burst into laughter. A series of grumblings alerted Naruto to the third member of their isle. "Hey Shik. How ya doing? Ready to get to work? With vigor and life and enthusiasm?"

He looked at Naruto out of the corner of his eye, "Are you _trying_ to make everyone in this room hate you?"

Naruto gasped, "Shikamaru! How could you say that? Assuming I would aim for such a small and easily adjusted crowd!" He leaned into the both of them and winked, "I'm aiming for the entire village!"

"You've succeeded didn't you notice the first time you were transferred to after only an hour in another class?"

"This is special!"

"You're special dead last!" Kiba called from behind.

Naruto looked at Kiba with a dead pan glare. "your sister said the same thing."

"Leave Hana out of this you stupid fox!"

"Did you know her _right_ leg kicks when you rub her just right? And not her belly I mean."

"OH THAT'S IT!" Kiba jumped onto his desk and crouched down on all fours. Akamaru growled on his head and assumed the same position on his master's back.

"CALM DOWN!" Iruka roared. "Can't you all take this seriously?! This could be the last day you are all cadets and officially become ninja! I would expect a little more respect for the atmosphere!"

Naruto held back his 'what does a virgin man know about atmosphere' since it was clear Iruka was already on edge. Big tests like this always got him riled up.

"Now I will go down the list of the different tests. Each test will rank equally in your evaluation and final score. If you wish to pass you must have acceptable scores in all categories. Average will not cut it. You are aiming to be Shinobi and Kunoichi of Konoha and will carry on a history of strength to protect this village, and ultimately your friends and families."

"If you're ready to begin please some down, sign in and take your testing materials."

Naruto, who had been listening intently, smiled, "Y'know. For a guy that's never kissed a girl before that was kinda cool."

A book of School Rules spun and slammed into Naruto's ribs. "Silence will be maintained through the entire written exam. Understood?" Iruka asked, his eye brown raised and twitched.

Naruto, hunched over in pain raised his hand in a thumbs up gesture. "Yeah, I'll get you for that though, believe it teach."

* * *

A/N: Naruto is a little pervert idn't he? This chapter is over 5 and a half thousand words, which is pretty good. I decided to go a bit into Sakura and Ino more than I usually do at this early stage because both of them will be important. Now don't get confused just because Naruto is keeping an eye on the budding young lovelies around doesn't mean there's going to be a change in the character focus.

To answer a few questions: Yes it is Anko/Naruto, but that relationship is mostly fluff. I'm not sure if anythin will come of it, because their relationship now is clrealy defined, they do love each other but not in the way that would open that door. so i'll play it by ear.

**OMAKE: NARUTO GIVES HANA A RUB**

"So…why are you _here?_ Wouldn't a doctor be better?" Anko asked as she looked over her fellow Chunin.

"I'm _here_," Hana said pointing to Anko's floor, "because it's not a bad medical problem so the med-ninja won't do anything about it. And all the chiropractors in Konoha are quacks. Just give me that deep tissue message you're famous for and I'll leave."

Anko slid across her coffee table to sit next to Hana, "what's the matter, you sound so frustrated Hana-chan."

Despite Anko's unnatural closeness, Hana didn't seem worried, "It's your house. Something smells _off_ about it. Like a…a…" Hana though for a second and didn't notice a small form sauntering behind the couch. A swift set of hands snatched the pastries she had been eating and stuffed them even faster in a wide and hungry mouth. "Well of all the things it could be I'd have to say a-"

Hana stopped as she felt a pair of hands begin moving across her shoulders soothing them and squeezing the tense muscles before moving down her spine. She sighed loudly and made a few 'ooh' and 'aww' sounds.

"Oh Anko that feels great!" A loud slurping made her look up to see the purple haired vixen drinking her cup of tea on the other couch. her face was bored and she had an arm over the back edge of the chair. "Wait…then who's." Hana turned to see Naruto, diligently working on her back.

"Heya!" he said waving and smiling, eerily like Anko.

Hana's neck hair bristled and her eyes widened. Naruto, who had finally found the knot of muscle in her back didn't notice. He tested the area with his fingertips just as Hana opened her mouth to try and tell him off.

With dexterity and speed taught to him by Anko in the three years they had been together, Naruto lifted Hana's shirt and pressed his thumbs into the knot and worked it causing Hana to start. Her eyes rolled backward before she started to wiggle.

Anko smiled behind her tea cup. She had seen Naruto's natural dexterity early on after she bought him a small lego set to play with while he was home. In the first four minutes of opening it he had forsaken the directions and made a series of small contraptions to unlock the cabinets she kept his ramen in so he wouldn't gorge on it.

Naturally Anko had spent a good deal of time helping Naruto increase the speed and strength in his fingers and hands. Not only would this allow for faster kata formation and decreased time between techniques, it also gave Anko one hell of a free masseuse at her beck and call.

Her smile became a grin as she saw Hana's toes curl and splay at regular intervals. But what really got Anko was the way her leg began twitching. Her right leg suddenly shot out straight before curling back. Anko blinked and watched as the phenomenon started to speed up.

Finally as Naruto's hands worked the last of the knot out, he gave a final, and through, exam of Hana's spine before ending with a quick and deliberate cracking of her neck. Hana squealed and her toes spread out before she slumped down panting.

"Oh god…"

Naruto hopped off the couch and walked away merrily like only a little kid can. "If you get knotted up again give me a call!" he yelled back as he went up to his room to play.

Anko poured herself a second cup and leaned back. "Would you like a cigarette?"


	4. Naruto Anxiety

A/N: Howdy. another chapter ready to be read. Don't know If I went too far here or not far enouh, bleh we'll see.

**YES THE STORY IS FUCKING NARUTO AND ANKO BASED. WAIT AND SEE IT'S CALLED PLOT AND IT TAKES TIME.**

I do not won Naruto or any of its universe.

**

* * *

Chapter 4**

Iruka tapped the chalkboard with the piece he had finished writing the tests and their objectives down. "Now the first test, the one you already have the materials for, is a written and multiple choice exam. The questions will be based on the basic knowledge of shinobi lore and information you should have obtained during your independent study days."

He took out a small pocket watch and wound it. "This test will end in one hour," he raised his arm and extended his finger, "From…" he swiped his arm, "Now! Begin!"

As one the students flipped over their materials. Naruto looked over the first few questions and grinned, bearing his teeth in a feral grin. Everyone sitting in front of him shuddered at once.

"NARUTO!" a girl who lived near him yelled, "STOP SMILING IT'S CREEPY!"

"How come you only shake like that when I look at you outside your bedroom?" he retorted.

She let out a surprised squeal and got hit in the face by an eraser. "Iruka-sensei!" she cried.

He crossed his arms over his chest, "Teachers need to be impartial Kosuna. Now shut up and do your test."

Mizuki as well as the other twenty-nine watchers were expertly hidden using special passageways built into the walls, ceiling and floors of the academy. He kept his eyes intently on Naruto. His arms were crossed over his chest and held his forearms tightly as he watched the young blonde answer question after question after question.

Without looking away from his paper.

_Shit. It's a two hundred question test. There has to be one thing he doesn't know. And when he looks up to cheat off of someone I'll record it and make _sure_ he fails. This brat hasn't been able to resist cheating on a single test since got to this school!_...the instructor thought with a grin.

_Name four protocols for two separate divisions (eight in all) of the core Shinobi forces of Konoha. The protocol do not need the normal paragraph page line verification code number, however an accurate approximation of the protocol is required._

Naruto took his pencil and quickly began to write his answer.

_First Medical Division. Protocol for moving an injured shinobi from the field includes first binding the ninja's wounds with chakra or at least the basic bandaging. Also included is a requirement for anesthetic depending on the severity of the injury. The injured ninja is then placed on a specially constructed stretcher either made on the spot or summoned, in high combat situations this opens the option to be targeted by patrolling enemies based on the chakra spike, however, as suck risks must be weighed._

Naruto's mind gave him the answers he needed quickly and correctly. His hand and pencil flew over the paper depositing knowledge he, by all rights, should not have known. With each answer he smiled a little until his full feral grin had returned causing yet another shudder to rock the student population in front of him.

As he finished the final question Iruka's pocket watch clicked very loudly. "Alright that's it. Everyone turn your papers over, stand up and walked outside to the hall. After your tests are collected you'll be given your assignments for the second part of the test." He tapped the wall at test 2: Sparring.

Naruto did as he was instructed, picked his coat up from his chair and whirled it on before sauntering down and out the door, an air of superiority and calm wafting from him. He sat down by a random door and watched the faces of his other classmates.

_Fail. Pass. Pass, fail, fail, pass. Thought about porn, thought about being _in_ porn. Pass, fail, pass, pass, ooh! Here comes Uchiha-chan! Uh-oh that's a fail face if I ever saw one. And it looks like he didn't do too good on the test either._

"Man that was a waste of time," Shikamaru moaned as he stood next to Naruto.

"Seriously. I mean question one hundred and forty five right?"

"Yeah,"

"_If a comrade is wounded but the mission objective may still be completed what are you required by law and duty to do?_" they asked in unison. The two slackers locked eyes but not before a rather loud chip crunch made them look up.

"I failed big time. Most of that stuff was never in my independent studies!" Chouji sighed as he devoured a big handful.

Naruto raised an eyebrow, "But didn't your dad pave the way in rescue operations and survival courses? You should have aced it just by proxy!"

"Yeah, but the other questions that had to deal with protocols and rules totally stumped me!" he explained.

"Don't look so surprised Naruto, some of us don't live with a career interrogator who must know every rule and bylaw of the village to even qualify for her position," Shikamaru commented rapping his knuckles on Naruto's skull.

"Eh good point…"

"Sasuke-kun how did you do?" a series of female voices asked at once.

The raven haired kid grunted as he tried to get away from the majority of the female population of his class. Not least of which was the Alpha and Beta bitches of the pack Ino and Sakura.

Kiba walked over to the other three guys and snorted, "Did you know when the alpha male of a wolf pack ignores his bitches they turn on him if they go into heat?" he asked with a grin.

The image of wolves dressed as Ino and Sakura eating Sasuke's corpse popped into Naruto, Shikamaru, and Chouji's head. As one the three shook visibly.

"They're so troublesome. What do they see in him anyway?" Shikamaru asked.

"What does it matter? Emo king Uchiha only has one guy that can threaten his crown and none of the sycophants that follow him will turn to the other heir," Kiba said, his grin spreading from ear to ear.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "you talking about me dog shit breath?" he asked after tucking his arms behind his head.

Kiba and Akamaru both growled while getting closer to Naruto's face, "you know it. I know why you wear that coat and those long sleeved shirts of yours even in the middle of summer! It's to hide the fact you cut you-"

Naruto's arms and body flowed into action. In one swift movement he had Kiba in an expert headlock with the dog boy's arms tucked tight behind his own shoulder blades. Naruto's blue eyes flashed purple, "You got some balls saying I'd do something like that Kiba."

Shikamaru sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Naruto let him go. Kiba talks shit, we all know that." Shikamaru took a lazy pose and Naruto felt the chakra surge just in time to avoid having his shadow grabbed by letting go of Kiba and dodging Shikamaru's shifting specter.

"Geez, Shik. It seems you want this sparring match to start off right!" Naruto said grinning.

"Maybe I do foxy," Shik replied stretching out his left hand and pulling his right arm into his vest.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Ino called from where she was trying to hug Sasuke. "Naruto leave Shikamaru alone!"

"I don't need you to defend me Ino, mind your own business," Shikamaru called back to her.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY PINEAPPLE?!" she bellowed. Ino sauntered forward, blood lust radiating from her like thunder. Naruto dropped his stance and swirled around Shikamaru to intercept the angry blonde.

"You should calm down yourself beautiful. Who knows what might happen to that memento of yours if Shikamaru shows how good he is with kunai!" Naruto said as he tapped Ino where he picture used to be.

Scoffing Ino smacked his hand away and rubbed the picture. To find it wasn't there. Her eyes turned a deep red and she cracked her knuckles. "Alright you little vulpine midget," Ino is currently half a head taller than Naruto, "where is my picture?"

Naruto bowed and tapped his coat pocket. "Where anything that shows you should be Ino, next to my heart where the heat of my life can keep it warm."

Her fist spun out so fast Naruto almost forgot to dodge. He spun around her arm and pressed his back against her front and wiggled his shoulder blades. "Wow! You did get bigger! Give Sakura a list of what you eat so she can benefit from the boost!"

"I HEARD THAT UZUMAKI!" Sakura bellowed as she charged into the fray. Ino's arms came up and back to try and hold Naruto but he slipped out of her grasp by sliding down and forward with a amazing control of his equilibrium.

"Now now girls, I want you to know that three-ways are almost always one sided. So!" he made a few signs and a copy appeared next to him. They put their arms around each other's shoulders and held up the peace sign. "Now there's one for each of you to enjoy!"

"How considerate of him eh Ino-pig?" Sakura asked as she hunched forward like a beast.

"Indeed Forehead, indeed," Ino replied as she cracked her neck.

As the four dropped into separate stances Iruka kicked his door open. "SHIUT UP! UZUMAKI NARUTO! YAMANAKA INO! HARUNO SAKURA IN HERE NOW!"

Naruto's clone disappeared and he made his way past the angry teacher into the room, his hands in his pockets and chuckling to himself. Ino and Sakura, still fuming followed suit.

Iruka had them stand, arms' length apart, in front of his desk. "What is _wrong_ with you three today! Normally it doesn't follow you this far into the day."

Both girls pointed at Naruto and began to rant loudly and quickly, if Iruka wasn't used to village council meetings he wouldn't have been able to follow it. "Alright, alright calm down! Naruto apologize!"

"That won't do anything!" Ino cried, "He's a thief and a freak!"

"Only when around you my love," Naruto countered.

"SEE! WHO TALKS LIKE THAT!"

Iruka strongly considered becoming an alcoholic.

"You two are just mad the only guy who openly admits to wanting to be with you isn't Sasuke. Why not take off your panties? He may let you ride his disco stick then," Naruto suggested.

"You nasty little bastard!" Sakura screamed. "Sasuke would never do anything like that!"

She had turned to face him. Naruto replied and leaned in close so their noses were touching. "Maybe that's why you should consider me! I'd love to show you how freaky I really am Sakura. And there's a good chance you'll enjoy it. I've learned from the best."

Sakura stammered, her face became red. "S-shut up! Like I'd ever do anything with you!"

"But Sasuke won't do the things I will. So who else will ever show you love Sakura if not me?" Naruto asked softly.

Her brow furrowed and she looked off into the corner, her eyes seeming to swim in their sockets looking for an answer.

"Naruto. Get out and go to your assigned room for lunch. If you cause any more trouble today you'll be kicked out of the test," Iruka ordered.

Naruto faced him, bowed and walked out. Ino watched him go, a look of curiosity and mild intrigue on her face. What Naruto had said was base, crude, and disgusting in its entirety.

But what if he was right?

**.xxxxX**

"Once you have your assigned rooms for lunch you may go at anytime. The second test will officially begin at one thirty, however you must complete at least one legal spar by three o'clock. Even if you lose the spar you may still passed based on performance. Now enjoy your lunches, and do good! You'll be watched so the spars may occur wherever you want," the instructor for their particular lunch room explained. He handed out a series of lunchboxes to the six assembled students.

Naruto was in a room with Sakura, Hinata, Shino, and two other kids Naruto didn't really care about. The only thing he cared about were their names. He already had a good idea what the real test was about, considering the small compartment on the bottom of his lunchbox.

As he finished eating it, which compared to Anko's lunchbox was horrible by the by, he went to throw it away, slipping a small piece of paper out just before it tumbled into the trash bin. He opened it and slipped into a small alcove to hide.

"Oh Kami-sama," Naruto whispered as he read the name of his sparring partner. "I praise your name and all the gods you commune with, even Shinigami-sama. I gotta buy some dumplings for an offering when today is over!" he whispered before giggling madly. Naruto dashed off and purposefully ran into one of the teachers outside so they would know where he was going.

**.xxxxX**

Sakura normally nibbled her food. But because of her extreme hunger and the fact Naruto had pissed her off and dared make her doubt in her feelings for Sasuke she almost ate the box in her rush. What made her stop was a tiny piece of paper stuck to the bottom inside a plastic sleeve. She swallowed and wiped her hands on a napkin before taking it out. Looking around she opened it and saw the following note:

_Haruno Sakura. To complete you second test you must engage UZUMAKI NARUTO in a one on one spar. When either UZUMAKI NARUTO or you are rendered unconscious or unable to fight the test is over. You need not win to pass. Remember you must engage the spar before three o'clock for it to count even if it takes longer than the allotted time._

Sakura couldn't contain her glee.

She could beat Naruto's face in all she wanted today!

"Oh Kami-sama! I praise your name and all the gods you commune with! I'll be able to use the lunch money I didn't use this week for dumpling offerings!" she squealed before finishing her food and rushing out the door. She looked around and heard Naruto's name in a conversation between teachers. "Excuse me sensei!"

"Ah, hello Sakura what do you need?" he asked.

"Did you see Naruto recently?"

He grunted and nodded, "Yeah he made a beeline for the sitting area in the park after he nearly bowled me over! He should still be there I think."

"Thank you sensei!" she bowed and headed out. As soon as she got to the door she opened it and looked outside to see a blonde head of spiky hair bobbing deeper into the small forested area behind the academy.

She opened the door slowly before slipping behind a large bush. Using a small burst of chakra she dashed to a section of trees. She pressed her back against one of the trees and focused on his signature. She blinked slightly.

_Has Naruto's chakra signature always been that noticeable? He always acts so cool but he can't even hide his chakra! Hah!_

She slipped into the underbrush alongside the path to the deeper part of the woods. She ran ahead of Naruto's position and saw him sitting in front of a tree using his coat as a pillow, with his hands tucked neatly behind it.

She remembered earlier when Ino stepped on Naruto's face and how easily he corrected his broken nose. She decided to see if he could do it twice in one day.

Sakura charged speeding herself up to extent she knew her body could handle and crashed her foot into the tree. Naruto's head swooped to the right and he even managed to pull his coat out of the way of her attack. She pushed off from the tree and prepared to attack him again.

"What are you doing?" he asked bluntly.

"Sparring?" Sakura asked.

"Why? Hinata's my partner," he said. Sakura locked eyes with him and watched as he wrapped his coat around his hands, before putting it back on.

"What? How is that possible! My slip says Uzumaki Naruto!" she roared.

"You sure? I saw the Usachi kid in there with us," he said throwing his thumb over his shoulder.

"No! it was Nakado! It was you! See!" she screeched as she took out her slip and showed him. He took it and then flipped it around to show her as well as his own.

_USACHI NAKADO._

_HYUUGA HINATA._

"For the smartest girl in our class you do some dumb stuff when you're pissed off," he deadpanned.

_Hey,_ Sakura's watcher signaled to Mizuki, _did you see that?_

_Yeah. I wonder what he's gonna do._

Sakura roared in frustration and punched a second tree. Naruto blinked as he heard the heartwood crack. _Shit._

"This day has been horrible and it all started with YOU!" Sakura pointed at him and bean poking him in the chest. "you're a stupid, freaky, little bastard and you always ruin things for me! Why Naruto why can't you just leave me alone?!"

Naruto blinked at her and grabbed her hand. He pulled her close and used his other hand to grab a handful of her hair. "Sakura, grow up."

"W-what? Let me go!" she tried to break his hold but he had somehow kept her feet behind her throwing off her sense of balance.

"Why would I take time out of my day for _you_?"

"Y-you said-"

"Don't tell me what I said. I know perfectly well that I gave you the option to have actual substance instead of a pining little girl's dream. You're so deep in Sasuke's ass you can't even tell you smell shit anymore," he pushed her away. "At least Ino is more receptive."

"She hates you as much as I do!" Sakura screamed.

Naruto grinned, "Then you must not hate me that much."

"What do you mean?"

"Just because we put on this show at school doesn't mean it holds outside these halls. Ino and I have been very friendly toward each other for a while now. Why do you think I know where she keeps that special picture of hers? How do you think I found out how to get it in and out of her body wrap without undoing them?"

The realization hit Sakura like a ton of bricks. "N-no way…you're lying."

"If you want to believe it Sakura-chan. But Ino and I have been waiting for this test for a long time. Once it's over and we'll be free to spend our entire days together there's a good chance the Mitarashi clan and Yamanaka clan will be learning a lot from each other."

"It can't be not Ino!" Sakura screamed.

Naruto stepped toward her. He took her chin in his hand and raised her eyes to his. "Why do you say that? Doesn't this leave Uchiha open to you and you alone? Do you really think girls like Kosuna and Tokiko will pass? Or do you even really want him?"

"I," Sakura quivered as Naruto leaned in.

"You are so much cuter when you just listen," he explained.

"Listen to what?" she asked as her knees grew weak.

"My heartbeat," he pressed his lips to hers. Sakura's eyes rolled as she felt his tongue slide over her lips. Despite her best judgment she opened to receive it only to feel something small slip down her throat.

She pushed him away and gasped as her head began to swim. Naruto grinned and held up their sheets of paper. The names slowly warped and faded until it read _UZUMAKI NARUTO_ and _HARUNO SAKURA_.

"You bastard…you…tricked…me…" she swooned and fell to her knees.

"We're ninja Sakura. When they 'spar' they mean 'incapacitate' and that drug will knock you out for a few minutes, long enough for my victory to be assured."

"When did you…learn…genjutsu?" she asked.

"A while ago, but because my chakra control is bad it releases too much chakra to be effective, but when I'm assigned an actual jounin that will be something I ask for help on. I hope I get Kurenai-sis. I'd love to study under her. And have her for a teacher too!" He laughed lewdly before turning and walking away. "Sweet dreams Sakura-chan!"

Sakura slumped forward and clenched her fist, or tried to her body barely responded. "I'll…get…him for…this," her eyes slid closed and she began to snore softly.

Mizuki and Sakura's watcher dropped into the area and shook their heads, "That was pathetic! A young kunoichi falling prey to seduction!" the female ninja lamented holding her head.

"Seriously, and Naruto is least popular guy in school. He played her like a drum."

"The drug was a nice twist though I wonder how he did it?"

"He was punched really hard earlier today I saw him slip a fake tooth in before he entered class, I think it was a backup plan," Mizuki explained.

"Anko will be proud, should we take her to the infirmary?"

"Nah, just keep an eye on her I have to get after the blonde brat." She nodded and jumped back into hiding while Mizuki walked off, cursing under his breath. _Naruto is doing much better than…ANYONE…how could he possibly. Shit those stupid teachers gave him bad scores on purpose. They made him look like dead last hoping his actions would get him kicked out! Dammit. I chose the wrong kid._

**.xxxxX**

Sakura awoke to find herself still in the forest. She rummaged in her pockets and found a small wrist watch her father aver her a few years ago. It red ten minutes to three, and she had engaged Naruto at about two thirty.

Naruto.

"NARUTO!" she roared. She tried to push herself up but wobbled and fell. After a few minutes of embarrassing positions and angry gyrations she was finally able to get to her feet and stumble back to class. She entered to see a few bruised faces and some people nursing arms in slings with Medical ninja around healing them.

"Ah Sakura I'm glad you made it. The next test won't start for a while so take a seat and relax," Iruka ordered from behind his desk as he read a book.

"Where's Naruto?" she hissed. A medical ninja appeared next to her and began to examine her.

"Her pupils are dilated. She was given a knock out drug. Stand still I'm going to clear the last of the effects from you," he explained as he put his palms on her temples and focused energy into her brain.

Sakura groaned as she felt for a single instant a blisteringly powerful headache and in the next a cool calming flow that kept her stable. "Ah thank you…" she sighed.

"No need to thank me, you would have been fine in about half an hour I just sped up the process. Did you win or lose?" he asked.

Sakura mumbled her defeat.

"Ah so the winner must not be in too bad a shape," he had crouched down to help her but moved now to help another student. Sakura looked around until she saw Ino, who was unharmed as far as Sakura could tell. Some part of her nagged at her to ask her one time best friend about what Naruto had said.

And so she decided to do just that.

"Hey Sakura who did you fight?" Ino asked.

"Have you ever done anything with Naruto?" Sakura deadpanned as soon as she was next to Ino.

The blonde's head ticked to the side. "Are you brain dead? What kind of drug did you get?"

"Naruto told me that you two did stuff together. And that's why he was able to get the picture so easily," Sakura went on, ignoring Ino's question.

Ino leaned back in her chair, tilting it so it was balanced on the back end. She looked from Sakura to her desk, back to Sakura. With a heavy sigh she set herself down and looked at her friend. "Okay me and Naruto fooled around a little bit a few months ago. There you happy I admit it!"

Sakura's eyes widened. Her jaw tumbled down and almost rested on her chest. She tried to say something but everything fell flat besides: "What did you two do?"

Ino blushed, "It was anything extreme we just kissed and we kinda touched. He's really good his hands and we'd been working in the garden for a while and I was sore and it felt really good and-"

"The garden?" Sakura interrupted.

"Yeah during training with his, mother? Sister? I don't know what to call her, but while training with Anko one of his mud clones got blasted into our yard and it tore up some of our flowers. Naruto apologized and brought over a big box full of his own seedlings. He apparently gardens a bit at her house and offered to do yard work for free to make up for it.

"My parents agreed as long as he didn't cause more trouble and soon enough I start spending time with him."

"Then why do you act the way you do?!" Sakura asked spreading her arms in an exaggerated way.

Ino looked at her like she was crazy, "If he talked about your boobs as much as he did mine you'd get tired of it too Sakura. But it's not like we spend all this time making out I just prefer to see him when he's working in the garden, quiet and composed."

"Naruto? Quiet and composed?"

Ino smiled and laughed a little, "Believe it or not yeah."

Sakura held her forehead, "God what happened to you Ino. You gave your first kiss to Naruto of all people!" she wept.

"Better than some random man on a mission," Ino shot back.

Sakura looked at her with a curious expression.

"We're kunoichi Sakura when we get into the higher ranks a good deal of our missions will revolve around seduction. I'd rather get everything I can out of the way with people I know and trust before I'm forced to do it so some old fart can have a little bit of information," Ino explained. "hold on," She stood and grabbed a book from under her seat. Holding it like a discus she waited until the door opened and unleashed it.

Poor Nakado was hit dead center between his eyes sending him flying backward. Naruto stepped over his body and waved at Ino. "Good shot Ino-chan! You're a shoe-in for target practice!"

Ino huffed. "Give me back my picture Uzumaki!"

Laughing Naruto ran up to the next on her opposite side of Sakura and placed it tenderly in her hand. "As you wish," he leaned in close and grinned. Ino put a hand on his face and pushed him away taking the picture.

"If you don't stop that soon Uzumaki you'll die never knowing another pair of breasts," the sky-blue eyed girl threatened.

Naruto hugged himself, "Ah, but I'd be killed by the owner of one of the most perfect pairs. But you don't have a thing on her highness!" he said with a sigh.

"And who is that?" Ino asked, actually interested, "Anko?"

Naruto gaped at her before laughing. "No, no. Anko-chan is impressive to be sure but only one woman holds the rank of the breast princess."

Naruto stood on the desk he was at and held up a small banner from inside his cloak. "The darling granddaughter of the First Hokage. The Student of the Third and the greatest medical ninja to ever have come from our village the beautiful, busty, and bountiful Tsunade!" he said as he showed an image of said Kunoichi. Ino and Sakura blushed greatly as the ideal of all young female ninja ever was wearing a white bikini and posing on a part of the Land of Fire's limited and chaotic coastline.

"Where did you get that picture?" Sakura asked.

"Ninja Man's Monthly. They did a special issue on her last year. I had to go all the way to Shibuya in the east to get one," Naruto explained as he folded the image and banner before slipping them into one of the many hidden pockets of his coat. "what I wouldn't give to just see them in the flesh once. Ah. I could die happily after that."

Ino laughed and shook her head, "You're impossible and hopeless. As if Tsunade, of the Sannin, by the way would ever consider you more than a pervy little fan like you are. She'd overlook you as easily as a bird overlooks a mouse."

Naruto held up a finger and poked her nose. "That's why I wear such bright colors," he commented, "Because even a bird at its highest notices the powerful Kitsune on the ground!"

"That's enough of the chatter!" Iruka roared after Nakado was revived. "Now is the time for your third test, the Target practice. You will all go to the special field set up. This is also the first exam that will be viewed by those you gave visitor passes to. You will be given twenty kunai and twenty shuriken. You can use as many as ten or as few as one, however you must hit at least one target more than fifty meters away, do you understand?" Iruka finished.

As one the class answered, "Yes Iruka-sensei."

"Then follow me!"

The thirty students, their teacher, and their watchers moved swiftly from their classroom on the second floor to the training field where a large grandstand had been set up so the families of the students could watch. Naruto nearly jumped for joy when he saw a familiar arch of purple hair and black bandana. He waved and Anko and Ibiki waved back. His face dropped when he saw a certain wave of silver hair and orange book. Kakashi looked up and waved at Naruto with his eye closed representing his smile.

_Dammit. He's here too?_...Naruto grumbled.

"You say something dead last?" Sasuke snapped.

"Gonna cut a target in two Uchiha," Naruto answered.

Sasuke smirked smugly and shook his head, "Don't strain yourself. Wouldn't want that sister of yours to have to come down and wipe your eyes."

"Don't get jealous Sasuke. I may just have to bury my face in a loving bosom to ease the suffering of my failures," Naruto countered with a laugh. "Ooh! Is that Hana, Kiba? Ask her if she's got a knot I can help her with."

"Eat shit Naruto!"

"You're the dog."

Kiba growled but a bark from Kuromaru, his mother's dog, caused him to flinch. He walked over to them and listened to a small pep talk from the older animal. Tsume herself was absent because of an important situation in their kennels, but Kuromaru had made sure he and Hana would be able to attend.

The elder Inuzuka child lifted her hand to Naruto and beckoned him over. Iruka was explaining the test so Naruto had time. "How you been foxy?" she asked.

"Pretty good. I hope you watch closely Hana I'll make sure to make the kanji for your name with my kunai today, an homage to the prettiest flower in Konoha!" he said taking her hand.

Hana grabbed Naruto's wrist and twisted his arm so he was bent backward with his head in her lap, "Don't push it Naruto. I wouldn't want to break you in front of Mommy-Anko. She'd punish me."

"Promise I can watch from my hotel room?" he asked.

"Sis!" Kiba cried when he noticed what was happening.

"Calm down Kiba!" Hana scolded. She let Naruto go and pushed him and Kiba back toward their group.

"Touch my sister again and I'll tear your throat out Uzumaki."

"Your sister?"

"Yeah."

"what about your mom? She's old and I think she needs a good rubbing out now and then."

"Oh you motherfu-" Kiba stopped himself before he invited another argument.

"Now the test for throwing will be done by gender and then alphabetically! Aburame Shino take your projectiles and walk up to the starting line."

Shino did as he was commanded and drew five kunai and five shuriken. He put them off to the side on special stands and spread his hands out over them. Naruto's eyes narrowed as he noted that Shino had spread them out evenly both sides. With a burst of arm speed Shino launched all twenty in a controlled and powerful boost that cause the close target pillar to explode from the target up.

"Excellent Shino!" The collection of parents murmured happily.

"He is skilled with both," Ibiki noted. "I'm amazed that he was able to so easily focus them to a single spot."

"He used a bug," Anko noted.

"Ah. The pheromones. Even though he chose the shortest distance it was very impressive. The accuracy needed more than made up for the choice of target."

The test went smoothly with most of Naruto's classmates doing well. However the high point was when Shikamaru stepped up and took only one kunai. He tossed it in his hand three times then threw it. The blade flew straight into its target, and dug straight through to land at the base of a second.

"WAY TO GO SHIK!" Naruto and the Nara clan attendants cheered. His father wiped a tear from his eye in pride.

"Amazing," Ibiki noted, "He found the one target where the grain of the wood matched up perfectly. And then threw it with enough force to drive it through with minimal effort. That I must say was the best display of control."

"I agree. But neither our boy nor Uchiha have stepped up yet," Anko replied.

"You say that like it means something," a catty voice called from behind. Anko and Ibiki turned, turning on their 'we kill people for a living' faces to see Haruno Sakaki.

_Wonderful. Bitcheus supremeus…_Anko saw.

_If I dug out her eyeballs with a melon baller…would I be convicted of unnecessary force or be given the monthly award for originality in Interrogation division?_...Ibiki considered.

"Your little demon won't pass, this test or any other," Sakaki chided.

Anko waved her hand dismissively and turned away. "At least my carpet matches my drapes bitch," Anko grunted commenting on Sakaki's blue dyed hair.

"Just ignore her."

"Next, Uchiha Sasuke!"

A squeal from his fan girls made the parents and males cringe in anguish at the sound. Sasuke ignored them and took ten Shuriken. He stepped up to the line and looked for a good target.

"May I make a request sensei?" Sasuke asked.

Iruka looked up from his clipboard, "Very well what is it?"

"Can you move three of those pillars so they are in front of each other? Two hundred meters out?"

The crowd flew into a flurry as Iruka nodded to another instructor. Using an advanced earth technique he did as Sasuke requested. The arrogant boy picked up two handfuls of the blades.

Everyone watched as the blades neared the first pillar the scratched softly into the wood before whirling around to do the same to the second pillar before embedding themselves into the final on. However while it was impressive it hit only the pillar, not the target.

Even so the entire group of girls and students broke into cheers.

Naruto's eye twitched. _Show off. Time to wipe a smile off his face._

After Nakado went Naruto stepped up and grabbed a single kunai. Naruto looked across the field for a few seconds before running back and grabbing three more. He then ran back and to a full ten.

"Today Naruto!" Sakura called from behind him.

He ignored her and took hold of two. He analyzed the field once more. Because of Sasuke's request and the fact no one had aimed for his mess of a log had kept a good portion of the field clear. With a smile Naruto charged chakra and made several hand seals.

"What is he doing?" Hana asked.

As Naruto's kunai began to glow he threw them embedding them into two separate logs at odd angles. He took two more and threw one into the ground and another into a tree branch.

"HEY NARUTO! THE TARGETS ARE RED!" Kosuna yelled causing an uproar of laughter.

Naruto tossed three more into odd places and smiled as he turned to face the parents and his classmates.

"Sorry forgot for a second." Without looking he threw each in a swift volley. A series of ringing filled the field as each kunai bounced off of Naruto's previous to embed themselves completely in the center of the farthest back pillar Sasuke had requested.

The onlookers gaped at what had happened. A teacher inspected one of the kunai Naruto had charged and notice the rings had been twisted to resemble a funnel. His jaw dropped as he realized what happened.

Naruto bent the kunai's ring to make guides for his final three, even if they hit at an odd angle the way they were structured would cause the impact to divert in the direction Naruto wanted.

Naruto waved to the stunned onlookers, except for Anko and Ibiki who were nodding with approval. No one one-ups a show off like Naruto.

The female branch of the exam went the same, however Sakura did poorly due to the intense gaze of her mother. She did hit a target, but it was nearly the second closest and it was far off center. Ino on the other hand was able to effectively show she was the best kunai thrower in the female half of the class. She hit all ten of her targets, despite being unable to throw very far or getting more than two direct hits.

As the test ended Iruka addressed both the students and the parents. "We've tested your children's abilities with their minds and bodies. We will now test a combination of both with the final and most important part of the exam: Ninjutsu!"

Naruto's grin spread from ear to ear. "My best subject."

* * *

A/N: Seriously. It is his best subject.

Just to note Omakes will be every other chapter. I felt the impact of this one would be better without a distraction at the end.


	5. Display of Power

A/N: Another long one. didn't expect to go this far but, meh. At least I can go beyond test day now.

Disclaimer: i do not own Naruto or any of its universe.

TO REVIEWS:

Tolaytoreview: Anko likes killing people and is the kind of ninja that doesn't ask questions.

Inuboy86: I normally would Ignore a review like this, but it kinda hit me as odd. What part of this story sings to a happy little world where nothing goes wrong? Don't assume I'll put characters in line for anything terrible, but don't either assume I'll keep them in happy fun land. Grow up, It's mature for a reason. Anko killed an abused and mentally scarred girl in the first chapter remember? This ain't viz publishing, bad shit happens.

And finally: **IT'S ANKO/NARUTO! DID YOU MARRY THE FIRST GIRL YOU KISSED?! GOD PEOPLE REMEMBER THEY'RE THIRTEEN JESUS!**

**

* * *

Chapter 5**

"Each student will show three displays of ninjutsu skill. The first will be two independent study techniques followed by a third randomly selected school learned technique. We shall now selected you from this randomly prepared listing."

Anko scoffed as she saw Naruto was last, right after Sasuke Uchiha. "Randomly selected my toned and tanned ass," she snorted.

Kakashi bent backward and looked.

Iruka motioned for Ino to step forward.

She gulped and sighed before taking her place before the gathering of parents and teachers. She also felt a leering grin, specifically on her ass.

_Dammit Naruto!_...she growled. _Fine we'll see how you grin and smirk your way out of _this!

Ino's hands flew into a series of hand seals at the end of them she smacked her throat with the back of her hand.

_**SURO-KOE NO JUTSU**_ (Art of the Thrown Voice)

"Heya! My name is Naruto and I have a sister-complex!"

The blonde clapped his hands over his mouth as the entire field burst into laughter.

Anko hung her head, "At least she didn't say mother complex." Ibiki patted her softly on the back.

"Don't feel bad Anko! At least you know Naruto would never do anything like smell your panties!" he said merrily.

The purple headed torturer groaned and held her forehead in her hands. "Why do you always say things that make everything about my life seem horrible?"

He laughed and grinned widely, "Because I'm a professional inside and outside the office!"

"Very good Ino," Iruka said as he and two other judges marked her score. "Now your second."

_I think I'll give Naruto an even harder time…_Inu said with a grin.

_**SHINTENSHIN NO JUTSU**_(Art of the Mind Body Switch)

Naruto knew what the blonde girl was up to as soon as he was put in her sights. "Crap in a bucket."

Then everything went black.

**.xxxxX**

Ino blinked. She looked at the floor and pulled her feet out of the water that covered the floor and shuddered. The entire place seemed to be some industrial complex, one that apparently didn't know what a hazard it was. She saw several posters lining the walls.

One with a picture of Naruto in a construction worker's uniform blowing a whistle and holding out his hand read: ALWAYS ALERT SUPERIORS IN CASE OF AN ACCIDENT!

Next to it was a movie poster with Anko and Ibiki in formal wear: COMING SOON! BEAT OF PASSION. HE LOVED TO DANCE, SHE LOVED A MAN, AND THEY LOVED TO HELP EACH OTHER.

Next to it was a picture of the Fourth and a woman dressed as a fox, both wearing Kabuki costumes and masks, facing each other with weapons drawn: WILL IT BE GOOD?! EVIL?! CAN A LONE MAN, TIRED, ALONE, WITH NOTHING LEFT STOP THE ETERNALLY POWERFUL DEMON?! COME SEE IN: FATEFUL CHOICE TALE OF THE FOURTH'S GREATEST MISTAKE!

Ino raised an eyebrow as she looked at that one.

Across the hall from that one had an image of Naruto, in the same type of formal wear, with his hands around Sakura and Ino's waists with Hinata on her knees looking at the camera with a shy look on her face: HE COULD HAVE ANY WOMAN HE WANTED! BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTED _HIM_! A TALE OF LOVE AND THE DANCE THAT BROUGHT IT FORTH! BEAT OF THE PASSION II: LOVE'S METRONOME!

"God what is wrong with him?" Ino asked as she went further down the hall looking at the different posters.

DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC! IT'S FUCKIN' DISGUSTING!

KEEP THE MIND CLEAN! PUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY AWAY WHEN YOU'RE DONE!

NEVER FORGET TO CLEAN YOUR AREA BEFORE GOING HOME FOR THE NIGHT!

A HELPING HAND MEANS MORE THAN GIVING SOMEONE A HANDOUT!

NEVER SURRENDER! EVEN IN THE FACE OF ARMEGEDDON!

DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! BELIEVE IN THE ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU!

A picture of Ibiki holding up a collapsed building with his shoulders over a little girl with a teddy bear and puppy: HELP THE WORLD! IT'S THE CHARITABLE THING TO DO!

Anko in panties, and only panties to Ino's embarrassment, on the couch with dozens of beer cans around: ALL THINGS IN MODERATION! Under that in small print (Except Boobs!).

The final poster she saw before she stopped was actually a tiny Polaroid picture. She took it from the wall and smiled as it showed Naruto, as a much younger kid, and Anko and Ibiki at a small park each holding up a bowl of ramen in one hand, dango sticks clamped tightly in their teeth and a plate with fried beef and green peppers in the other hand.

She put it back, looked around, and found herself at a crossroads. A large sign post showed several different locations.

_LEFT: CONTROL CENTER, CHAKRA/BLOOD CIRCULATION CENTERS, BODY CONFIGURATION_

_RIGHT: SECOND CONTROL CENTER, CONTAINMENT_

"What is this? I've never seen a mind with…" she lifted her hand and ran her finger under the sign for 'containment.' "Second control center? Probably means Naruto's dick. Well the technique worked so all I have to do is-" Trailing off she decided to see what 'containment' meant.

Turning down that hall way she walked for what seemed like hours before she realized that the water had risen up to her thighs. She groaned but ignored it and walked into a huge area. Ino was able to catch a glimpse of huge metal bars and a small piece of paper before a red light blinded her and a shutter slammed down in front of her face.

A voice raged all around her and seemed to slam directly into her skull. "INTRUDER! WE HAVE A BREACH!" Red lights flashed and television screens showed chibi faces of a blond man with a headband holding a 'STOP' sign appeared, it was someone Ino barely recognized, before everything calmed down.

Ino was pulled backward by an invisible force and deposited at a dry area of the floor. She stood and whirled back and forth.

"NO DANGER! BREACH OF EXTERNAL ORIGIN! MENTAL CONTAMINATION OF NON HOSTILE INTENT! INTERNAL STORAGE SECURE!"

When she tried to get her bearings Ino heard a soft cough from behind. She whirled to see a woman standing at the end of a hall that wasn't behind her a moment before. "I'm not a contamination dammit!" she screamed at her.

The woman coughed into her hand. "You don't belong here girl. Get out. Now," the woman ordered lifting a well manicured hand and pointing over Ino's shoulder. The younger girl turned and saw a door that read clearly 'EXIT.'

Ino flustered, both from the idiocy of the exit door and the woman herself. She was beautiful. Her beauty was almost to the point that Ino could hardly look away. Her hair was fiery red and hung down to the floor. The kimono she wore was decorated with the images of snakes and branches, intertwined around her legs. Her left arm was covered in a blooming flower pattern while her right had a series of tails. Her skin was alabaster white while her lips and eyes were a burning blood red. Whenever she sighed or opened her mouth Ino saw a mouth full of fangs. There were also long red strings connected to her back and hair that trailed off in the direction of the _CONTAINMENT_ area.

"That wasn't a suggestion," she ordered.

"W-who are you? Why does Naruto have a woman in his head?"

"It doesn't matter. And you should have listened, this will hurt," She dashed at Ino and put her index and middle finger of her left hand between her eyes. "REJECTED!" Her palm slammed down and crashed into Ino's nose.

Ino was blasted back into her body with such force her physical form flew backward over ten feet before she rolled to a stop at the feet of the instructors.

Iruka dropped his clipboard and dropped beside her, "Ino! Are you okay? What happened?"

When he turned her over her eyes were swirling around in their sockets. "She was right…it did hurt," she said before passing out.

Iruka looked up to see Naruto, standing by himself, the rest of his classmates moving out of the odd light coming from his forehead. A seal in the shape of a hand signaling stop appeared in red before fading.

"What?" he asked looking around. "Never seen an intrusion halting seal? It's a defense against mental attacks! Get off my back!" he growled. "Serves her right," he said pointing to his mind, "If she saw half the stuff I want to do to her in there, I would've been surprised if she ever came back," he chuckled.

While the students moaned and calmed down Ibiki and Anko exchanged glances nervously. Someone moved to sit beside them. Anko looked at Inoichi. "May I ask what happened?"

"Why look at me?" Anko countered. "Looks like your kid needs to work on busting through strong seals."

"Seals like that don't work on the Shintenshin. It subverts the dominant mind not attacks it. If she had used mind body _disturbance_ then it would have been an effective counter measure. So…is there anything _else_ that may have been an influence?"

Anko and Ibiki gave Inoichi an unsettling and telling glare. Inoichi, not wanting to start anything with two people known for how well they do their jobs (which is hurting people professionally by the way), nodded and returned to his original seat.

Anko made a mental note to talk to the blonde. Both Naruto and Ino.

**.xxxxX**

Iruka stood as two medics treated Ino. "We have deduced that Ino's technique would have been successful had it not been for Naruto's seal, therefore she will have the chance to present her final ninjutsu after she gets back on her feet. Now would Hyuuga Hinata please step forward?"

Hinata gulped and sent a small glance into the crowd. When she sighed, and found none of her relatives were there she walked boldly into the space Ino had just vacated.

She made her first choice obvious and activated her family trait. Iruka nodded and wrote down her score. However he felt a disturbance in her chakra and the entire crowd gasped as Hinata's body began to sway back and forth.

Anko's eyes widened and she stood. Ibiki made an 'hmmm' sound and smiled behind his hand.

At once Hinata stopped moving and threw her arms at the ground. Her limbs grew from the elbow down and crashed her palms into the soil, causing deep impressions. She pulled them back and bowed.

**RYUUCHOU YARI HIRA **(Flowing Spear Palm)

"Ah very good," Iruka commented as he marked her second score down. "Now for your academy technique you must perform the Bunshin no jutsu."

Hinata nodded and created three perfect clones of herself. Iruka nodded and called out the next person. She ran back, her face red, to Naruto, "I-I did it!" she said laughing.

"I told ya it wa going to be easy! It's the simplest technique you can do but-"

A hand clamped down on Naruto's and Hinata's head. "Excuse me," Anko hissed as she lifted the two cadets and took them behind the bleachers. "Why does Hinata know one of my techniques Naruto?!" Anko snarled as she began to choke the blonde shaking him back and forth.

"An-Anko-san please! I needed a second technique! My clan doesn't have much ninjutsu! And the ones they do have-"

Anko stopped abusing Naruto and looked at the forlorn girl. With a heavy sigh she dropped the unconscious kid and crouched down before putting her hand on Hinata's shoulder, "That's fine Hinata. I would have preferred if you had asked me, instead of him," she shot a venomous glare at Naruto, "But you did learn the technique correctly."

Hinata's face brightened, "R-really!"

"Yes," Anko's grip tightened on Hinata's shoulder, "But now you belong to me."

"Huh?"

Anko stood, "The Flowing Spear Palm is the initial technique to learn my entire cadre of secret techniques. It is the building block for my whole cache of ninjutsu and some taijutsu. Because you now know _that_ you _must_ learn the rest. If you don't."

Hinata shuddered as Anko drew several of her instruments from her coat pockets.

"I'll have to seal the knowledge of the palm from your memory. Got it?!"

Hinata squealed and shook violently, "Y-YES MA'AM!"

Anko gave her normal 'cute' smile, "GOOD!" She picked up Hinata and hugged her rubbing her cheek against the girl's, "Oh! If only I had found you wondering alone that night! Ah, a cute little sister instead of that little pervert who lives with me…what's his name again? Oh well! It sends shivers down my spine when a cutie like you fears me! I just love that!" Anko took Hinata back to watch the rest of the test.

Naruto groaned as he picked himself up and patted the dirt off of his own coat. "Bah. _She_ doesn't wear underwear unless she drinks and _I'm_ the pervert," Naruto spun Hinata's panties around his index finger. "Oh well, at least I learned how awesome big sis is as a distraction," Naruto said grinning. He packed the pink fox decorated undies into his pocket and sauntered back to wait his turn.

**.xxxxX**

"Now, Uchiha Sasuke!" Iruka called, incited yet another ear splitting squeal. Even Sasuke made a grimace as he took his place. He faced away from the crowd and the school and made the necessary hand seals.

**KATON: GOKAKYU NO JUTSU** (Fire Release: Art of the Great Fireball)

Iruka whistled. "Very good! Now your next technique!" Sasuke gulped. After a minute Iruka looked up at him, "Is there a problem Sasuke?"

"No. Sorry my throat," he said softly and took a drink from a given bottle of water. After drinking half the bottle Sasuke made seals, but was stopped by Iruka.

The teacher had recognized the hand seals as a second common Uchiha fire technique. "Sasuke, you know you must use, two _completely_ different techniques. As in one fire ball, and then one _not_ fire ball."

Sasuke's face grew grim as he peered over his shoulder to see Naruto and Anko and Ibiki grinning widely. "Yeah Sasuke," they catcalled as one, "A fireball and a _not_ fireball!"

_I'm going to kill you for this Naruto_…Sasuke thought as he sighed and made his hand seals.

**OIROKE NO JUTSU **(Art of the Sexual Form)

In Sasuke's place stood a beautiful woman, about five and a half feet tall. She had long auburn hair the curbed just under her buttocks and hid everything from view, as her bangs dangled down to cover her breasts. She posed with her arms over her head and her left leg lifted and bent, her knee pointing to the right.

Everyone, save the knowing members of the Mitarashi family, simultaneously gasped, laughed, or passed out from blood loss. Iruka stood first and rubbed his eyes. "Sasuke. Please…please tell me that isn't what I think it is."

Sasuke's face fell and she dropped the pose, "Yes Iruka-sensei. It is it what you think it is."

Iruka cursed under his breath and groaned loudly. "Why?"

"Because Sasuke-chan…only knows how to do fireballs!" Naruto said as he walked up and inspected the form. "Hrm. Your scent still is too much like your original one. And the carpet doesn't match the drapes." Sasuke turned blood red and tried to smack Naruto, who dodged, "You see, this technique doesn't merely make a beautiful version of the user! It alters the entire body. Hana-chan if you would confirm it for me?"

The elder Inuzuka sibling stood and sniffed around Sasuke, "Naruto's right she doesn't smell anything like Uchiha Sasuke."

Iruka nodded and motioned for Sasuke to drop the illusion. He did as the majority of on lookers awoke. One of the girls in Sasuke's fan club blushed furiously, "What's up with you Kosuna?" Ino asked.

"I think I'm a lesbian now."

Ino gave the girl a deadpan stare and smacked her.

**.xxxxX**

Iruka slipped the now empty sake bottle back into his vest and sighed, "Now that we've all had a good deal of therapy. The final test will be given! Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto to the front!"

As he made his way from the group of students Naruto grinned even as several parents and children booed him. He merely threw up his hand and flicked them off.

"Alright Naruto are you ready?" Iruka asked.

The blonde nodded. "But are you?" he asked as his hands went into a flurry of seals. His head swerved to the right and he spread his arms before clapping them on the ground.

**KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU **(Art of Summoning)

Smoke exploded around him, as it cleared to reveal a huge forest brown fox, at least twenty meters tall, with a purple Mohawk. "The hell?" it swiveled its head left and right causing Naruto to wobble dangerously from his perch. After a few moments it set down on its haunches and growled, "UZUMAKI!"

"Up here man!" Naruto called happily. The fox flipped its head causing Naruto to fall to its tail, which wrapped around the boy lifting it before the summoned beast's head.

"You dare call me here as an _exhibition_?!" he roared.

"Heh sorry! I would have called one of the others but you're so much more majestic! You give a greater air of authority, and grace," Naruto said prostrating himself before the great fox.

Eyeing the crowd with his vicious eyes, the beast grinned, showing off its sharp and powerful teeth and jaws. "I see what you mean," it stated as one older woman fainted. "Despite your insolence I shall forgive you this time, kit. But you still have a long way to go. I felt the pull of your chakra as if through a funnel. Too little! Too little!" it said waving one paw. "A summoner of our kind must have as much chakra as one of your Kage," he spat the word, "to summon our lesser lieutenants." The huge animal grinned wider, "Or you can use your _real_ chakra!" Naruto growled at him flashing purple eyes, "REMEMBER IT KIT OR THE NEXT TIME YOU NEED AID WILL BE IN ONE OF MY SIBLINGS' STOMACHS!"

With an explosion of orange smoke the fox disappeared dropping Naruto onto his ass. Anko sighed and smacked her face…_He just had to summon the bloody fox. Great now everyone is going-_

"That was impressive!" a sibling of a cadet said. Their parents glared at Naruto, as did a few older ninja, but the students were already chatting happily. Too few clans had summoning on the list of their techniques to pass on.

"Hana," Kuromaru, who had been ignoring the test suddenly spoke up, the elder Inuzuka bowed to dog, "The boy has grown. If only he was a few years older."

Hana laughed, "You think he would make a good mate for me Kuromaru?"

The dog snorted, "Your mother. She likes em young."

Hana started then saw the smirk on the old dog's face and shook her head helplessly.

"How did Naruto learn that?" Kakashi spoke up to Anko.

The purple headed torturer grinned, showing teeth a bit too sharp for Kakashi to feel comfortable, "A gift from an old friend," Anko explained vaguely.

"Ah."

Iruka consulted the other teachers in hushed whispers. "What do you mean?"

"That doesn't count," a teacher on the committee snapped. "Calling such a beast here."

"Sasuke nearly burnt down the building!" Iruka's aide countered.

"Sasuke is an Uchiha!" the committee member snapped back.

"And Naruto is an orphan raised by a torturer?" Iruka asked.

The committee member narrowed his eyes at Iruka. "Naruto is a de-"

A hiss made the man stop short. He turned and saw a black mamba, entwined around his leg tightly, its poison filled mouth opening wide. He looked to the stands and saw Anko and Ibiki standing, their hands in their coat pockets. Naruto chuckled.

"Dead man standing," he cat called.

"Little!" as he was about to move the snake tightened its grip.

Iruka smiled, "I think the snake vetoes your vote. Naruto's summoning counts. Your second technique please, Naruto!" Iruka called.

The blonde made a peace sign and stood, patting the dirt from the back of his coat. He drew a Kunai and spun it around his finger before jamming it into the ground. "Everyone hold on to something!" he called as he clapped his hands and made a flurry of seals.

**DOTON: DORYU JOHEKI** (Earth Release: Earth Flow Rampart)

Under Naruto and his teacher's feet a massive block of earth grew upwards until it was the same height as the first story of the academy. He grinned and patted the soil, causing it to sink down at awkward angles making the committee member, still at the mamba's mercy, fall over, much to his dismay thinking the snake would attack.

When the ground was as stable as it would be Iruka nodded motioned for his aide to choose the randomized technique. Iruka took the slip and nodded, "Alright Naruto you must now correctly use the Bunshin no Jutsu, and create three copies."

The blonde chuckled, "Uh…what if I don't do it?" he asked rubbing the back of his head.

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Because I'll fail that one," Naruto grinned.

"Are you sure? You did great so far!" Iruka commented, causing the committee member to snort as he tried to pull his leg free of the snake.

"Uh yeah I am. I have a med-nin note!" Naruto said he happily produced a small piece of paper and handed it to Iruka.

_TO EXAMINER,_

_Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto is unable to properly perform some techniques due to an irregularity within his chakra system. Understand this irregularity causes his chakra to 'spike' thus making techniques of a certain nature impossible. Therefore this note is to excuse Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto from use or practice of the Bunshin no jutsu._

"So what will you do instead?"

Naruto grinned, "My favorite technique! Which, ironically, used to be my worst!" Naruto formed a single hand seal. Kakashi and every jounin in the area gasped as a second Naruto appeared grinning.

**KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU** (Do I really have to translate this one?)

Iruka and his aide looked at each other, dumbfounded. He went over and poked and prodded both Narutos, and found to his amazement, they were both there in the flesh. "Amazing Naruto!" Iruka cried, "A complete Kage Bunshin at your age! I'm surprised your chakra capacity is that good! Excellent!"

Naruto A and Naruto B nodded before he released the technique.

"That's all of the tests! We will now add up your children's scores combined with their final grades in their classes for their placement within the class ranks. If you wish to acquire any information on either please take one of the forms my aide will pass out! This should take an hour so relax!" Iruka, the committee member (now minus one mamba) and Iruka's aide all bowed, while the former two went to add up the totals.

"I must admit," the committee member said, "The Kage Bunshin was impressive. I did not believe the…" he searched for the word, "child would be able to do it so early."

"Well the chakra spikes explain why Naruto failed the last two times. But this test more than made up for it! I think that final display will put him in the running for rookie of the year!" Iruka chuckled.

Off to the side, a certain cadet heard it and clenched his fists so hard his nails dug into his palm.

**.xxxxX**

"Who's the most awesome scion of the most awesome Ninja clan ever?!" Anko cried.

"Naruto!" Ibiki and the blonde replied at once.

"Who?"

"NA-RU-TO!" Ibiki displayed two fans with chibi faces of Naruto making the peace sign on one side and 'VICTORY OVER STUPIDITY' on the other. He waved them back and forth merrily. "WHAT A GRAND DAY FOR YOU MY FRIEND!" he wept as he put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "I'm so happy Naruto. After your first two failures I was sure you were mentally retarded, but you've made me and Anko so proud."

"Thanks Ibiki," Naruto replied. He noticed Hinata and waved her over. The blushing heiress did as bade and bowed to Ibiki and Anko. "So Hinata how does it feel to be the best friend of rookie of the year?" Naruto asked poking himself in the chest with his thumb.

As Hinata was about to answer Anko and Ibiki burst into maniacal laughter, "Oh that's rich!" Anko snorted.

"What do you mean? I aced every test with flying colors! I was the shit and the bomb! Hell I could even be an F-bomb if I wanted."

Anko poked his forehead and pushed him backward into Hinata, "Yes, but your grades suck balls! The final scores for rookie of the year come _after_ averaging your totals for the year. So tell me Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto, rookie of the year," Anko bent forward causing Hinata to blush even further at the display, "What was your grade average for this year?"

Naruto closed his eyes and went into a thinking position. After a few minutes he threw out a thumbs up. "F! FOR FANTASTIC!"

Anko crashed her heel into Naruto's skull. "Man I'm glad I didn't give birth to this thing. I'd have to have my womb screened for stupid," Anko sighed.

As smoke wafted from Naruto's head, with Hinata trying to give him a wound salve, he said, "Child abuse accounts for fifty percent of missing ninja," with a grunt he fell backwards and promptly passed out.

"Ah! Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried, tears rimming her eyes.

"He's fine Hinata-chan," Ibiki commented patting her on the back. "This happens all the time! His skull is so hard it nearly broke Anko's heel last fall!"

Hinata looked from the unconscious boy to his guardian, "Ah. I see."

Anko picked Naruto up and slung him over her shoulder, "Let's go see if they posted the final scores yet, if they have want to join us for dinner Hinata-chan?" Anko asked.

The lavender eyed heiress smiled wide, but suddenly looked away, sadly, "I do not believe I will have permission."

Anko looked around and when she saw no other Hyuuga she took a deep breath, "FUCK HIASHI!" she roared. Hinata gasped and covered her head as if thunder and flames would fall from the sky. When nothing happened she opened her eyes and saw Anko smiling, "If he doesn't come running after that I doubt he will when you're treated to some of the best sushi in the city," Anko winked and ruffled Hinata's hair as the group made their way to the postings.

**.xxxxX**

Iruka stood proudly beside a table with thirty gleaming headbands, all proudly showing off the Konohagakure Leaf symbol. He read aloud each student and as they came to take their headband he happily tied it off for them. Naruto held up his headband and stuck his tongue out at several adults.

"SUCK IT LOSERS! YOU MAY HAVE THE MITARASHI CLAN WAS NOTHING BUT FREAKS!" He cawed making Anko chuckle, albeit with a vein popping out of her forehead, "WELL WE'RE WAY MORE THAN THAT! WE HAVE _SPUNK_!"

He wrapped the headband on his forehead, "Hey Iruka-sensei."

"Yes Naruto?"

"This is official right? Like written down in ink and crap right?"

Iruka nodded, "Yes once the forehead protector is put on it marks you as an official Konoha ninja, nothing can stop that now Naruto."

"Sweet!" Naruto made a flurry of hand seals Iruka recognized.

**.xxxxX**

"Hey Kenichi," Garu, a senior member of the ANBU patrol for the village asked his partner on their break.

"What?" Kenichi replied as he read a small instruction manual.

"Did the Hokage monument always give off this weird chakra rating?"

"Don't know. Don't care. Don't care to know."

"We should maybe check it out y'know." Kenichi didn't comment, "It is our job."

"Always with the taking from your boring face, let me read."

"Fine. But if we get called in by that damn civilian review board it's your ass not mine!"

"Go ahead. See what happens."

**.xxxxX**

"Naruto…what did you do?" he asked as a woman screamed. He whirled and his jaw dropped. Naruto had given each and every one of the Hokage faces a Kabuki make over.

Despite himself, Iruka had to admit it was a very good job, "Na-ru-to!" Iruka growled.

Just as he was about to grab at the blonde he noticed the foxy shinobi dashing off Anko and Ibiki hot on his trail, carrying Hinata between them. "HA! NO ONE BUT UZUMAKI-MITARASHI NARUTO HAS THE BALLS FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT! BETTER BELIEVE IT!"

Laughing madly the Mitarashi group was soon lost in the distance.

Mizuki rubbed the back of his head, "Did he really keep an illusion going _all day_ to make sure he had the biggest impact with that?" he asked Iruka, who was still in shock Anko hadn't backed him up. Mizuki shrugged, until he heard shaking metal he casually looked behind him to see Sasuke glaring between the postings of class rank and the Hokage monument.

Even with Sasuke's subpar written test score, and his impromptu ninjutsu he had been rookie of the year, however Naruto had aced every test and out-scored the entire school. It was only his dismal grades from the rest of the year that kept him from Sasuke's spot.

And Mizuki grinned cruelly.

**.xxxxX**

Sasuke sat in his apartment, his fingers interlocked in front of his face, his eyes locked on his headband. The leaf seemed to be mocking him. He remembered Naruto's display of power both in kunai throwing and summoning the huge fox, despites its obvious disdain for the environment it had made sure Naruto would not die after it dropped him.

It had respected Naruto.

_Naruto_.

_UZUMAKI-MITARASHI NARUTO OF ALL PEOPLE!_

"I'm an Uchiha. I_ must_ be the best. I won't be beaten by the dead last of the class. By a guy who fawns over his big sister like a character in a hentai game!" Sasuke made a hissing sound through his teeth. "I even went to him for help! ME!" He slammed his fists down on his desk so hard it made his arms shake with numbness.

A knock made him sit up abruptly. "Hey Sasuke. It's Mizuki, from the academy I need to ask you something."

**.xxxxX**

The premise was simple. The Hokage had left to find and talk to Naruto about his…'redesign' of the monument. The Hokage's tower was not guarded half as well as it would have been if he wasn't in the village. And even if it was the patrols are made by average ninja, not ANBU.

_Well if it's so easy how would that show I'm a better ninja?_

_It's what you can get when you are inside that will show everyone. There is a certain scroll_.

Sasuke slipped over the wall right between two Chunin, both of which had the general air of bored office workers. He dashed across the open courtyard, changing his body so all the colors of his back and hair resembled that of the ground in case of any overhead viewing.

He pressed his back against the base of the tower. The stone had a distinct impression on the young ninja. His ancestors had helped with the construction of the tower ages ago; in fact it was mostly Uchiha masonry that formed this building. Sasuke found it mildly amusing that he was about to use his heritage as an excuse to break into the home of a powerful and skilled ninja.

He slid down the wall for a few minutes before coming to the window Mizuki had told him about. The files clerk girl for this level had bad allergies so she needed fresh air, and always kept the window open. What Mizuki didn't tell Sasuke was that he had purposefully distracted her earlier in the day so she forgot about it.

With a quick leap Sasuke was inside the tower, right under the nose of its impressive array of sensor seals and chakra trip wires. He bounced around the room to the door and checked the hall with his Kunai, no one.

Creeping out of the room, he hastily changed his shape to that of an older Chunin and calmly walked to the stairs. Quickly ascending to the top floor Sasuke checked the hall once more and then exited, returning to his true form. The door he wanted was next to an old storage room. He cut his left palm and put it against the door.

"To wipe away Madara's stain," he whispered.

The door clicked open, his blood vanishing from the wood. Sasuke didn't have a good idea of who exactly 'Madara' was but he knew it was an ancestor that had lessened trust between the greater Uchiha clan and the village elders. The code phrase had been one the Uchiha used exclusively, so it was hard for Sasuke not to exploit it.

Inside the dimly lit room Sasuke found dozens upon dozens of scrolls. Some as large as he was, others small enough to hide in his palm. The one he wanted, however, was situated on a small alter at the end of the room.

Sasuke checked for any traps or chakra triggered mechanisms, and slowly lifted the scroll. It felt much lighter than it should have been, and there was…something about it that Sasuke didn't like. Whatever it was, it didn't really matter to him. Maybe it was a little twang of guilt for invading the place.

But he was an Uchiha.

And he had to be the best.

**.xxxxX**

The Sandaime Hokage was not an angry or violent man. In fact he was closer to pacifist than a warrior in many respects. However, after seeing his face decorated as a kabuki actor, made it somewhat…difficult to remain in his normal state of mind when dealing with the one who did the deed.

It didn't help the two people he was trying to scold were stuffing their face with sushi. "OOH! Naruto try this salmon! It's got that spice I like!" Anko tossed one over the table in front of an aghast Hinata only to be caught on the fly in Naruto's mouth.

Despite his companions and their brutish eating habits, Ibiki was calmly and lovingly eating his own meal. When Hinata turned to him for help all she got was this, "The supple taste of the fish. The light texture of the seaweed. All mixes into perfect harmony and a cascade of flavor! OH THIS IS HEAVEN ON EARTH!" Ibiki stood and planted on foot on the table, his arm outstretched in homage to the sushi he had just bitten.

Hinata hung her head, "If my father learns of this…"

"Ah that Hiashi guy needs to get laid," Naruto commented, his mouth stuffed.

"Yeah I know a few girls who like arrogant clan heads. They won't even black mail him. He's just gotta go wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!" Anko replied, her face also stuffed. "OI! I NEED MORE SAKE HERE!" she called holding up a chilled glass. "Oh sorry boss what did you say?"

Sarutobi sighed loudly and took a seat from a nearby empty table and sat down. When Anko's sake was brought he raised his hand, "I'll have whatever they're having as well please."

"Yes Hokage-sama!" the girl said bowing.

Anko, Ibiki, and the Hokage raised sake saucers in salute to Hinata and Naruto's graduation. Naruto would have done the same but a pain in his stomach made him wince.

"What is it kid?"

Naruto put his chopsticks and tea cup down and rubbed his temples. His brow furrowed. He looked at Anko and then the Hokage. "The…" he looked at his stomach, "The thing is moving."

Sarutobi and Anko stood at once. "Ibiki," The Torturer dropped his happy face and saluted to his leader, "Take Hinata home. Naruto, Anko come with me," Sarutobi ordered as he signed the bill and rushed out, the Mitarashis on his heels.

"The scroll is headed to the northeastern forested area," Naruto said suddenly.

"What else can you tell? Who took it?" Anko asked.

"Don't know. All I can tell is it's moving at average speed, maybe above. It's a student or a cadet."

"Who would…" Sarutobi whirled and pointed to Anko and Naruto. "Go after it. Do not engage, unless they leave the village. I'll assemble a search party."

"Yes Hokage-sama!" the two ninja saluted and vanished.

The third rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, "I'm getting too old for this."

**.xxxxX**

Sasuke sat beside the shack and opened the huge scroll, when he did something smacked him across the face and the scroll closed. A vile energy filled the area and made him scuttle away from the center of it, the scroll itself.

In deep red, feral looking kanji an invisible hand scrawled into the dirt under the thing: **NOT YOURS TO SEE**.

Sasuke gulped, "What the hell was that?"

"Stupid, very, very stupid," a hiss from behind. Sasuke turned his head in time to have Anko's boot hit him square in the cheek. He tumbled head over heels into a tree and stopped dead, groaning. "You stole the scroll and opened it. Good thing it hates Uchiha…" Anko whispered.

Sasuke wiggled to his feet and wiped blood from his mouth, "You don't have the right to judge me!" he shot.

Anko blinked, "Actually I do. It's in my purview to punish any who go against the will of the village. I can turn you into a blood stain on the forest floor and all I have to do is mark a little box on a piece of paper that says 'self defense.' So come on kid. Make my day."

Sasuke stood; holding his ground, then turned and fled running back to the village.

"What? THAT LITTLE SHIT!" Anko roared and charged after him.

Naruto, who had been hiding in the bushes, shook his head, "And people say I'm the stupid one." He stood and walked to the scroll. He glared at it and felt his stomach rumble. "Great. I'm not supposed to touch this thing…what do I do?"

A shuriken, one of the largest Naruto had ever seen, slammed into the ground between him and the scroll. Cursing he leapt back and scanned the canopy to see Mizuki.

"Stay away from that scroll Naruto."

"Kinda said I have to. Orders."

Mizuki's face was soon plastered with a shit eating grin, "do you know why?"

"Not really, no. And I don't care to know. It's not my place to question orders like that."

"Not even if it explained why everyone hates you?" Mizuki asked.

Naruto started. "What do you mean?"

The aide held out his hand and laughed, "You didn't notice? Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the village hates you Naruto. And it's because of one little reason!"

"And what's that!" Naruto screamed.

"I can't tell you, it's a law. A decree actually."

"What decree?"

"It was given out on October eleventh, thirteen years ago. It stated that no one, not the highest ranking ninja to the lowest ranking genin or civilian, was to speak aloud the fact you," he pointed directly at Naruto, "Are actually the container for the nine-tailed demon fox! KYUUBI!"

Naruto's eyes widened, almost to the point they were saucers. He put his fists in his mouth and made a whining sound. He shook back and forth and ran around in a circle. "OH NOEZORS! I'M TEH KYUUBI! NIEEEEEUUUUUUUUOOOO!" he screamed before laughing. "What was my first clue eh?"

Mizuki started, "You…knew?"

The genin laughed harder, showing off his sharp canines, "OF COURSE! This village is made up of the biggest collection of gossipers and stupid civilians in history! Every adult who doesn't like me calls me a demon and tells their kids to stay away, women keep their sons and husbands away from me! What spiritual creature changes into a woman to seduce men?"

Mizuki shook his head.

"DING! KITSUNE!" Naruto took off his coat and dropped it on the ground. "And they always keep their promises. I promised the old man I wouldn't hold anything against the village, but since you just attacked me and convinced Sasuke to steal that thing it means you aren't an official villager anymore. So your ass is mine Mizuki-sensei!" Naruto fell into a stance and smiled as he lifted his fists.

Mizuki laughed before jumping down to the ground. He drew his second big shuriken and spun it around his fingers. He charged his feet barely touching the ground. He threw the weapon and drew a small handful of kunai. Naruto's body seemed to warp and he dodged the blades of the spinning steel by a fraction of an inch.

Mizuki spun and place and sent a flurry of daggers at Naruto. The blonde let out a sigh of air and his body warped again, each blade passing just over his skin or through his hair. Mizuki watched, horrified as every weapon he used missed.

Naruto hopped on the balls of his feet and then dashed forward. He threw his left hand out, and Mizuki went to block, but as his forearm went to catch the blow and turn it against the boy Naruto shifted downward and into Mizuki's zone. With a flurry of movement and amazing speed Naruto had wrapped his arms under Mizuki's and was lifting the larger man over his head.

He spun the body of his teacher around his chest and leapt up.

**MITARASHI SHUZOKU KYUUSHO JUTSU: HEBI HOUYOU** (Mitarashi Family Secret Technique: Serpentine Embrace) **TSUIRAKU RYUU **(Falling Dragon)

The sound Mizuki's head made as it hit the earth was akin to a melon cracking against cement. His body fell limp and Naruto dropped him, standing and cracking his neck.

"Take it bitch," he grunted as he kicked the unconscious man.

"Ah good you got the other one," Anko commented as she appeared from the brush. A heavily beaten Sasuke being dragged behind her. "This little rat can run _fast!_" she said lifting him.

Naruto blinked and narrowed his eyes. He made a seal and put his hand on Sasuke's chest. In a puff of smoke the 'Sasuke' became a chunk of molded grass. Anko made a cat-like screeching sound. "LITTLE BASTARD!" she screamed.

"Let it go," Naruto sighed. Anko looked at him, an eyebrow raised, "We caught the mastermind, of a sort," he used his thumb to point to Mizuki, "We'll always know what he did. Think of the black mail possibilities!"

The purple headed kunoichi chuckled and shook her head. She picked up the scroll and tossed it over her shoulder. Naruto did the same to Mizuki and they headed back to the village.

"What a life eh Anko?" Naruto asked.

"What a life."

**.xxxxX**

In the Hyuuga compound…

Hinata stretched and smiled to herself, "It was fun being with Anko-san and…Naruto-kun," she said as she took off her coat and then her shirt. As Hinata went to remove her pants she stopped and shifted her thighs a little. Her pale cheeks grew pink, then red, then orange as she pulled the front of her pants up to find out if her fears were true.

Hinata's scream cut through the compound. Her branch family attendant threw open the door a katana drawn, "HINATA-SAMA! WHAT'S WRONG?!" the woman asked scanning for threats.

"I don't have on any panties…" she whimpered looking at the older woman.

Blinking the guard scratched her head, "oh…um…do you need another pair?"

Hinata shook her head slowly. As she replayed the events of the day in her head she remembered Naruto's hand had slid past her hip when he fell after Anko choked him. Her face grew even darker and for a second the guard thought she would pass out.

"What's wrong Hinata-sama?!"

"I think Naruto-kun stole my panties…"

* * *

A/N: I don't even think Naruto remembered those. But anyway, BEAT YOU ALL! I GOT SASUKE TO USE THE NINJA CENTERFOLD! AND IT MAKE SENSE! SUCK IT UCHIHA!

Sorry I was channeling Naruto there for a second. And I doubt Hiashi will let this stand, or maybe he will he kinda hates Hinata around this time frame.

And I swear to god I do not need to hear about the famlial relationship of the fuckin' hyuuga so don't send me reviews of that. The is this an Anko/Naru fic ones were bad enough.


	6. The One I Lust

A/N: So here we are again, me posting a long overdue chapter. You guys reading it and hoping beyond hope that stars align themselves properly again and let me put another one out within the same year...

Sorry about that. Been crazy. I recently finished Defiled by Her Blood. If you haven't read it I highly suggest you do. I put a good bit of my heart into that last chapter.

Also if you read the first six...yeah prepare for a shift. This is where the crazy shit starts happening.

I do not won Naruto nor any affiliated items.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

The darkness of the place made it difficult for most people to move around safely. _Most_ people. Naruto's superior night vision made it as bright as day. He slid softly across the hazard area and slipped into the room. He noticed his target, sleeping, on the bed. He flicked his tongue over his lips and drew his weapon from a sash where he tied it tightly to his left thigh. He wasn't wearing anything except a pair of cotton shorts and his boxers; anything else was too noisy and would alert his target before he even tried to attack. He took the sheathe of his weapon and clamped it in his teeth.

_One chance Naruto…one chance…_

Steeling his nerves he forced the door open and leapt with a small 'pop' he drew his weapon and held it out to make the winning blow.

A long shapely leg shot out and crashed into his ribs sending him sailing backward, over the second floor railing and onto the couch in the living room below. He cried out as his half naked target leapt after him, landing hard on his stomach with an ass as solid as rock. Naruto felt two hands cover his mouth to keep him from retching his supper up.

"Failure," Anko replied as she smacked Naruto back and forth until his cheeks were red. However a few seconds later they returned to his normal sun kissed look. "God, always with the sneak attacks. Can't a woman get her drunken stupor sleep without a little pervert like you attacking them?" she asked.

Anko put her hand on Naruto's chest and was about to push off when she felt something swell inside her. It was a sickeningly sweet idea that was all the easier considering their positioning. The soft feeling of his flesh under her hand made it harder to ignore. Neither noticed how Anko's hand swept over his chest a little, caressing him. Something in Anko almost begged her to lean forward and lick Naruto's cheek. She bit her tongue as she imagined his soft, yet foxy features, twisted in pleasure under her…

She sighed, shook her head and cursed under her breath as she got off of Naruto allowing him to finally breathe. Anko looked at her clock and saw, to her dismay; it was five o'clock in the morning.

"Sorry about that Anko-chan. Just thought I'd celebrate my new position as a ninja of the village!" he said as he held up his weapon, a permanent marker. Anko's eyebrow twitched as she assumed what he would have drawn on her face.

The last time he had cleverly written 'Anko likes penis here' with an arrow pointing to her mouth. Child services once again accepted the excuse of 'training problems' when Naruto was put into the hospital that afternoon after she woke up.

"What were you planning?" she asked her hands on her hips.

Naruto's eyes flashed purple and he grinned from ear to ear, showing off his vicious vulpine teeth, "Maybe one day you should let me pass and find out."

The serpentine woman visibly shuddered and rubber her arms.

Anko put on her normal, 'Why do I live with this kid again?' face and shook her head. She turned and walked up the wall back to the second floor before entering her bedroom. As soon as she was in she shook violently. Her tongue seemed to swell in her mouth as she imagined the blonde's feral smile. It spilled out and she began licking her hand where she had touched Naruto's chest.

She imagined she could almost taste his soft young flesh, "Tastes sweet," she murmured as she sucked on her fingers. "Like honey and rain…"

As soon as she realized what she was doing, Anko bit down hard. Blood dribbled from her fingers. She didn't flinch or stop even when she heard the knuckles crack under the pressure. With the sudden pain she also realized that her panties were soaked.

She was infuriatingly aroused. She wanted Naruto, badly. Except she didn't. No. That was bad. Naruto was a kid. She didn't want to have his cute face between her breasts suck-

_No. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I'm different…_she chanted mentally until she felt Naruto return to his own room. With a great sigh Anko went to her closet, got dressed and pulled a small book out of her pocket. She flipped through it and smiled as she went over a name and a phone number. She ground her thighs as the space between them grew gummy and heated.

Anko walked to her bed and sat down. She spread her legs and almost glared at her crotch. She also was _not_ picturing Naruto's head there. His fuzzy blonde locks were _not_ tickling her thighs. His dexterous tongue was _not_ slithering around her pussy.

She was not imagining these things at all. Nope. Never. Disgusting thoughts everyone.

Growling Anko adjusted the phone to rest between her shoulder and face so she could begin masturbating.

She picked up her phone and dialed. The first number didn't answer. Neither did the second or third. Her fingers delved deeper inside her with each number as she dialed with her free hand. Lying on her back Anko panted as her pace grew more frenzied.

"God…did I get tighter?" she said huskily as the phone rang twice.

There was the click of a phone being picked up followed by a groggy voice.

Anko chirped, sitting up, right quick, and pulled her fingers free of her sex, licking them loudly into the receiver, "Hey Jin. It's Anko-chan. Got a minute?"

**.xxxxX**

The door exploded open and a vibrantly awake Ibiki leapt into the Mitarashi household. "AWAKEN GOOD PEOPLE! THE DAY IS BRIGHT AND NEW ADVENTURES AWAIT!" he ran past the kitchen towards the stairs but stopped. He back peddled, making a grand show of the reverse running technique Gai had taught him after a night of schnapps, to see Naruto flipping bacon with a spatula. "Naruto? Why are you making breakfast?"

The blond pointed to the fridge. Ibiki noticed a small scrap of lavender paper with a chubby snake in the corner shaped like a heart, Anko's personal stationary. On it was a note with the following:

_Naruto,_

_Went to a friend's house. Won't be back for a while. Have to make your own breakfast. Sorry kid! Hope you get a good sensei. Have fun!_

_Love, the Beautiful Ninja Princess Anko-chan_

_P.S. Screw this up and I'll eat you alive!~_

At the bottom of the note was a chibi Anko with fangs eating a Naruto head shaped rice ball.

Ibiki frowned. He was sure Anko had gone to see a man. And looking at Naruto, who was only wearing his favorite pair of work out shorts, he was sure he knew the reason why. Ibiki had once held _many_ reservations about his young protégé being in charge of Naruto's care. It was only after the first few weeks when Naruto wouldn't hear of being away from Anko unless she was on a mission that most of them left.

_Most_.

He hid his slight aggravation at Anko and whirled to Naruto, "FORGET THIS PALTRY BREAKFAST!" he bellowed as he grabbed the hot bacon and swallowed it. Naruto gaped at him his jaw dropping to his chest. "Let's get some ramen!"

Naruto's eyes widened, and he smiled softly, "Alright, thanks Ibiki." Naruto put the pan and the spatula into the sink, rinsed them off quickly, and headed to his room to get changed.

As he left Ibiki held up his hand and splayed his fingers. He drew in his pinky and ring finger. "Three more chances Anko. I can only allow you three more," he whispered into the kitchen, still cold from the night before.

**.xxxxX**

"Wow! Way to go Naruto-kun!" Ayame chirped as she kept reaching over and poking the headband's metal plate. Naruto beamed. "It's so good to see you getting closer to your goal! When will you qualify for that one rank you want?" she asked.

Naruto started, and cursed himself when he noticed the look on Ibiki's face. The skilled torturer was glaring at him through the corner of his eyes. The blonde gulped as the bald man finished his noodles and smiled wide at Ayame.

"He has a lot of work to do I'm sure," Ibiki said nonchalantly.

Ayame clapped her hands, "I bet wanting to be in ANBU and all! But I'm sure you can do it Naruto-kun!"

Naruto grimaced when Ibiki slammed the money for the breakfast down on the counter. "Thank you very much it was delicious," his face displaying the opposite emotion Naruto knew he was going to be dealing with in a minute. "Let's head to the academy, Naruto."

The man stood and waited for Naruto to finish his meal. Ayame gave Naruto a kiss on the cheek and waved him off. As soon as they were out of sight Ibiki's arm swooped down and caught Naruto in a headlock.

"ANBU?" he snarled. "You would dare join the ANBU?" he pulled Naruto up to his height.

Naruto's face was impassive.

"WHY! ANSWER ME!"

Naruto winced and grit his teeth together hard. Ibiki put him down and crouched to one knee, his hands on Naruto's shoulders. "Why Naruto? They're the embodiment of old ninja. They forsake _everything_ for the village. Their names, their faces, even their lives and souls for Konoha. That is noble. But it is foolish for one such as yourself. You want to be noticed! To be accepted. An ANBU agent will always be merely an ANBU agent."

Naruto clenched his fists. "Because if I become ANBU. Then I can get a chance at _him_." The venom in the boy's voice made Ibiki stand. Red irises followed him upwards. His whisker marks deepened into gashes. His naturally sharp teeth became vicious fangs. "I'm going to kill _him_. And when I do I'll rip _his_ soul out of his corpse and tear it to shreds. He won't even be allowed a glimpse of Hell for what he's done."

Ibiki's face fell, "Tell me Naruto. Do you know what you've just said to me?" They held their gaze on each other for a long time. Minutes passed in silence as Ibiki tried to read past the wall of hatred in Naruto's face.

The blonde turned suddenly, his feral face returning to normal, he even put on his normal lecherous grin as a busty young woman walked by. She made a hissing sound like a cat and leapt away from him when he tried to sidle up to her.

Ibiki put his hands in his pockets. A cold wind blew through him and made him shiver. He closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards.

_Justice…is balance. A decent act in response to an indecent one._

"Two more chances Anko. Two more."

**.xxxxX**

Ino kept looking at the door to the classroom. Sakura noticed and then looked to where Sasuke was sitting. She grinned and poked Ino in the ribs. The blonde screeched and glared at her.

"Who are you waiting for Ino-chan?" Sakura asked sweetly.

"What does it matter to you, forehead?" she snapped.

"Because the only one _worth_ waiting for is already here," the pink haired girl angled her head toward Sasuke.

Ino rolled her eyes and kept a lock on the door. It opened to reveal a smiling Naruto. He took a single step into the room before Ino was up and to his side, "Wow. I didn't even try anything yet. At least give me a second to attempt to-bwah!"

Ino grabbed his arm and pulled him into the hall and to an empty classroom. After checking to see if anyone was following Ino threw Naruto in, followed him and closed the door standing in front of it.

Naruto stood and wiped his front, "I hope you understand how much I love a woman who takes charge."

"Who is the woman in your head?" Ino asked bluntly, her arms crossed over her chest.

Naruto raised an eyebrow, "Well that was unexpected."

"What?"

"I never would have pegged you for a lesbian. I mean she's hot and all but Kosuna is the only one who gives me that kind of-"

Ino grabbed his shoulders and shook him, "Tell me dammit! She kicked me out not that seal! Who. Is. She?"

"No one important," he said flatly.

Ino glared daggers at him and shook him again. "Don't give me that Uzumaki!"

Leaning in he grinned, "Jealous I think about someone else more than you Ino-chan?"

She sputtered. In that moment Naruto grabbed her hands and flipped her over him slamming her down butt first behind him. Spinning he twisted her arm behind her. Ino cried out and grabbed her shoulder.

"Say uncle."

Ino snarled.

"Call me daddy!" he said with a smile.

"Fuck you!"

He smacked her ass with his foot causing her to growl deeper. At the show of defiance he turned her arm more. Despite her resolve she gave in,

"L-let me go."

"L-let you go _what?"_ Naruto said, his eyes flashing red. He felt a rush toward his privates but suppressed it. "I can't hear you Ino-chan," he put his foot on her shoulder blade and pushed.

"Let me go daddy!" Ino roared, shame momentarily given up under the intense pain.

Naruto released her. She pulled her arm around and whimpered in pain. Naruto leaned over her, putting their bodies in a very compromising position with Naruto's groin mere centimeters from Ino's round rear.

"Some things are better left alone Ino," he whispered into her ear. She shook. He kissed her cheek and pinched her butt before righting himself, whirling on the spot and leaving. "I wouldn't want to make you hate me by going any further…after all your first time should be special." As he opened the door he glared at her over his shoulder, "And I'm not talking about getting fucked Ino."

When he was sure she understood what he meant he left, slamming the door behind him.

Ino cradled her arm to her chest and snorted…_Fine. Then I'll just wait. Patience is one of my strong suits Naruto, believe it._

**.xxxxX**

When he reentered the room he felt several sets of eyes on him. He met them all, flashing his sharp teeth, and went to his seat, next to Sasuke. The Uchiha didn't register his presence. Naruto leaned back and put his feet on the desk whistling softly. Sasuke soon realized the tune was from an old song of the village. It was about a thief who accidently stole from the Hokage.

While the ninja lord had spared him when he robbed another man later that day the thief was killed by the man's knife.

"What did you do after the test Sasuke?" asked the cheery blonde, much louder than he had to.

Sasuke twitched, "I sat at home and brooded over how stupid you are."

Naruto blinked, "That…is the most homosexual thing I've ever heard you say."

"Congratulations. Eat shit and die."

Naruto chuckled to himself and sat back down properly as Ino returned to the class, flexing her shoulder. Saukra looked from Ino to Naruto when she noticed the female blonde was giving Naruto a death glare.

The male turned and let his, in Sakura's opinion, abnormally and disgustingly long tongue loll out of his mouth. He made a licking motion and turned around.

"What was that ab-" Sakura began.

"Nevermind," Ino snapped, "It's none of your business Sakura. Even though it's probably _her_ fault."

Sakura, and even to an extent Ino herself, wondered if the Yamanaka meant Anko.

Iruka, who had followed Ino in, lifted a clipboard from his desk, examining several papers on it, before setting down on his desk and facing his class. "Alright everyone, today you will be meeting your jounin instructors. Afterward you will become official members of that squad. Now listen for your names and your squad numbers."

As Iruka read the names of each squad and their different members there was audible grunt from Sakura and Sasuke and Naruto when they were assigned together. Sakura stood up. Iruka put a hand over his hidden sake bottle as she began to rant about being in a group with Naruto.

"Sakura, tell me the strong suits of your new teammates," asked the teacher, holding out his free hand.

Sakura blinked and looked from the blonde to the dark haired boy. "Sasuke is an Uchiha…" she began. "He's skilled at everything." When she turned her gaze to Naruto he had what appeared to be a puppy dog look, but his generally feral features reminded her more of a nasty little fox she had found as a younger girl. "Naruto…uh…"

Hinata absently poked her index fingers together…_He can steal your panties from right between your thighs._

"Has…" Sakura tried desperately to find a way to say her next few words without saying her next few words, "stamina."

"YOU KNOW IT BABY!" An encyclopedia crashed into the back of his skull.

Iruka sighed, "Sasuke has the highest grades in the school, Naruto the lowest. Sakura you have average scores in physical aspects, but mental aspects are very high. Naruto has higher than average physical coordination and stamina and has a greater range of ninjutsu. Sasuke may be an Uchiha but he is also skilled with weaponry of all kinds while you and Naruto pass with only kunai and shuriken," he explained.

"Do you see how you complement each other?"

Embarrassed Sakura nodded meekly and sat down. Iruka pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head…_I'm so glad the next batch of students is three years away from my classes…_

"Now listen up! Your senseis will arrive in time so until then give me some peace in our last moments together," he said poetically as he waved them away for lunch.

The different teams split up, save for two. Ino dragged Shikamaru and Chouji into a small section of the outside garden. Sasuke quickly avoided Sakura and Naruto, and went to eat on his own, while the blonde decided to say hello to the new teachers.

Sakura just sat in the classroom sitting with her hands around the bottle of water in her lap. Both lonely _and_ starving.

"What is it Ino?" Shikamaru asked as soon as the blonde released her rip on his arm.

Her eyes narrowed as she went over both of her teammates, "You're going to help me do something."

Chouji and Shikamaru shook their heads and as one said, "No way! Sorry ma'am, but fuck that!"

"WHAT?" Ino shrieked.

"The last time we 'helped you,'" Chouji said using his fingers for quotation marks, "We both ended up running from a very angry giant bull. My dad still won't let me near his summoning scrolls because of that."

"And the time before that caused me to be banned from life from Victoria's Secret Weapon. My mom was so pissed off that she couldn't get the stuff she wanted she almost killed Yumie-san _and_ me."

"This is different we won't be doing anything you don't already want to do," Ino said.

Again they said, "Doubt that Blondie."

"I need your help beating up Naruto."

Shikamaru and Chouji exchanged a quick look. Naruto was their friend and fellow mischief maker. If it wasn't for him they would still be milling around looking at clouds and eating chips.

But then again…

_I swear this will work! Don't worry about the smell it will wash off I promise! Just remember: when Anko comes around that road jump out and say 'MUSTAKISHI SAYS HEY!'_

Shikamaru and Chouji unconsciously rubbed their left arms, matching scars visible.

"Where do we sign?"

**.xxxxX**

_34-C. 32-B…hmmm. Ooh! Kurenai-san! I do believe those are 38-D!_...A certain blonde pervert said as he hung upside down, all but invisible outside the room holding the many sensei for his classmates, a special seal over his eyes to see through the wall using heat vision. So far he had noticed a few examples of teachers he'd like to serve under.

And be in the same squad of.

He almost cried out when he saw Sarutobi Asuma. The smoking ninja was one of Naruto's role models. He hoped that the proud member of the Twelve Ninja Guardians was his teacher.

But it was still a tossup between him and Kurenai. It was then Naruto noticed something. There was one sensei missing.

_Man that guy is late as hell!...Waitaminute…Oh shit…_

Somewhere a man reading porn sneezed loudly.

**.xxxxX**

Naruto raced around the school grounds in an attempt to find his teammates. He asked several groups but no one had seen either the Uchiha or his fan girl.

After nearly twenty minutes Naruto got a bead on the latter and tracked her to a large vending machine where Sakura was flipping several coins around in her fingers.

"Ah Sakura-chan good!" he said as he stopped next to her and put his hands on his knees.

Sakura looked at him and hastily shoved the coins in her pocket. "What do you want Naruto!" she asked angrily, her face turning red.

He raised an eyebrow at her, "Don't have enough?" he took out a bill and put it in, "What do you want? On me!" he grinned at her.

Sakura, who didn't like the way Naruto smiled, shook. Her eyes traced the rows of snacks and foods and her stomach grumbled loudly. As it did an image of her mother flashed across her memory.

_HARUNO SAKURA! How many times have I told you? You do not eat garbage like this in my house! Jisho! Did you buy this for her? What a stupid man! Think of her health! She'll gain a hundred pounds if she eats this! _

Sakura lowered her head, "I'm not hungry." She growled again.

"You lie like a mattress," Naruto deadpanned. Sakura rubbed her arms and nibbled on her lower lip. "How about I eat half? Half of something ain't so bad."

Quietly she answered, "Okay."

Naruto got one of the special meal bars and broke it in half, giving Sakura the larger piece. "Sakura…" he began.

She looked at him. Her large green eyes seemed to dig a trench in his heart, "Nevermind. It's nothing. We gotta find Sasuke I have something you both need to hear."

She nodded and watched as he turned to find the Uchiha. Sakura held the bar for a minute before she hovered it over the trash can.

_It's not healthy to deny your body food when it's growing. This will cause your tits to stay small y'know that right?_

Sakura looked from the bar, to Naruto's retreating back, to her chest. Growling she hastily started to eat the bar. AS tears welled in her eyes she charged after her new teammate.

_I'll show you Naruto. And mother too._

As they ran the two found Sasuke eating a small bento on the southern part of the school grounds. Naruto waved at him and made sure the raven haired boy didn't run off by cat calling him until he and Sakura were close.

"Good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" Naruto asked as he looked at them with a serious gaze.

Sasuke, interested in the deadpan look on Naruto's face, put his chopsticks down and answered, "Good news."

"The son of the third and the best genjutsu user of the village are among the people who will be taking students from our class."

Sasuke nodded, both were exceptional ninja and well known in the cadet ranks, "And the bad news?" Sasuke asked.

"There's one missing. One sensei is hours late. And that only means one man. And he's been teaching students from the academy for almost seven years."

"Why is that bad?" Sakura asked.

Naruto leveled his gaze to each of them, "Because in those seven years he has been given almost two hundred separate teams of students. And none of them survived past the first few days under his care."

The two genin gulped. Sasuke shook his head, "who is it?"

Naruto raised his hands in a Shinto manner to ward off evil, "Hatake Kakashi."

**.xxxxX**

"So who got the emotional baggage group?" Asuma called to the other teachers, tapping the list for team 7.

"Not me thank god! My little sister knows that Naruto kid! He once snuck into her room and sculpted her a statue for Valentine 's Day!"

"That's not so bad," a third commented.

"It was an image of her naked hugging a huge oak tree made completely of chocolate. The scary thing was it didn't melt for a few weeks," the second explained shrugging. He put a finger to his chin, "It was good though. Dark chocolate. Hey whoever gets him as a student, get me the recipe!"

Several of the assembled jounin laughed, one smacked his arm.

"Never mind the fact he lives with Mitarashi!" a fourth spoke up.

Kurenai, who had done some work with Anko, and since become a good friend with the snaky kunoichi, raised an eyebrow, "What does that have to do with anything?"

The jounin shook his head, "She's a high level member of the interrogation service. But she has a few quirks." He tapped his temple with a finger, "she was trained by Orochimaru and when he left the village he fucked her up good, left her in some shack in a back water country with a weird seal on her neck."

Kurenai remembered the odd tattoo.

"Now some people think it makes her a connection to the criminal. Others think it was a failed experiment. Even more think it's the reason she's a bit…odd."

"Again," Kurenai asked, now very interested, much to Asuma's dismay, "How?"

A haggard looking Jounin raised his hand and pulled his vest open and his collar down showing several large bite marks, "She's the horniest bitch in the village. When she sets her sights on a man they either give her all she wants or she takes all she needs!"

"I was wondering what happened to you Jin."

He shook his head, "It's that kid of hers man," he raised a hand and made a dismissive motion in the air, "She has to have the hots for him or something." A few people gasped Kurenai made a move to hit him, until Asuma held her back. "Hey, listen to me. I was hanging out at a bar with her. He came in to give her wallet and he smiled at her with those teeth of his," he leaned in causing a few others to do the same, "and you should have seen how her face, hell her entire body, reacted."

A female jounin snorted, "You guys are all perverts. Anko may be a bit on the loose side but she would never stoop that low. Besides why would she do it with a thirteen year old kid when any one of you would drop your pants for her?"

The room grew silent as the assembled men tried to deny her reasoning.

"Well," Jin finally said, "who wants to help me out by taking Anko off my hands!" he asked.

After a new discussion was started, this time about why Jin wasn't man enough to fend Anko off himself, Kurenai shook her head and looked at Asuma, "So who has Anko's little terror anyway?"

"Oh. My dad told me yesterday," Asuma answered, a smile hidden under his smoking hand. "They got Kakashi."

**.xxxxX**

"Dammit. I knew it. Kami-sama hates me," Naruto lamented as he and his team sat alone in the classroom. For two hours.

"I'd agree, everyone else does," Sasuke shot back, but he was more concerned with a few things he had heard about this _Hatake_ Kakashi, specifically how he was supposed to have the Sharingan.

Sakura began to fidget. She was worried, very much so, about what Naruto had said. He had explained that 'survived' had really meant passed. The tests they had taken were for basic skills, this was to see if they could actually go on to be real ninja. Apparently Kakashi had said his previous teams could not.

Naruto shook his head and slapped his cheeks, "We can't show weakness. Kakashi is one of the best ninja in the village. He's the literal form a genius without all that brooding shit your kind does," Naruto said throwing a finger at Sasuke, who casually flicked him off, "So we must make the first move!"

Naruto quickly pulled a small scroll from his back pocket and unrolled it. He scanned several lines and made several marks with a permanent marker before rolling it and returning it to his pocket.

"Alright. Sakura-chan," Naruto said putting a hand gently on her shoulder. Sakura's face grew red, "I need you now more than ever before. And I want you to help with this gag."

Sakura huffed, she would have refused but he had held her earlier. She let her shoulders drop, "Fine," she sighed, "what is it?"

"Hatake Kakashi may be powerful. He may be skilled and have a ninjutsu collection of over one thousand techniques. But his still mortal and has but one, and only one, weakness." He emphasized this by holding up one finger.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "and what, as if you really know, may that be Dobe?"

Naruto grinned and patted a hidden pocket in his coat, "The greatest work of the greatest member of the Sannin."

**.xxxxX**

Kakashi looked at the note he had been given, "Classroom fifty-two…classroom fifty-two," he whispered. When he reached it he noticed the door was open. Slipping an eye up and down he noticed a little trap. "Cute. Naruto must be expecting me."

He opened the door and poked his head in. He tried to resist chuckling when the eraser hit him and went in. He closed his eyes and cupped his chin in his hand. "Well considering this is our first-"

Something hit Kakashi's nose like a sledgehammer. His eyes snapped open and he saw something that made his blood boil.

Tsunade of the sannin.

Naked.

With the most beautiful blonde Kakashi had ever seen.

Who was also in a state of total undress.

"Kakashi-kun," Tsunade panted, her large mounds swaying. "She's being mean to me! She won't let me finish! Help!"

Kakashi coughed. His black mask suddenly began shifting into a deep crimson before he fell over, knocking his head on a desk as he went.

'Tsunade' flushed and changed back into Sakura. She had been sitting on Naruto and suddenly jumped off, "How could you make me say that!" she cried tears flooding out of her eyes.

Naruto roll over onto his belly, his female form remaining and pouted at Sakura in a way that was unnaturally natural looking, "Mou Sakura-chan was the one who was wiggling her hips on top of me! I thought you liked it!"

"STOP MAKING THOSE SLUTTY FACES AND CHANGE BACK!" she roared.

"Fine," Naruto grunted returning to his true form in a puff of smoke. "Hey Sasuke check his vitals…Sasuke?"

"Leave me alone," the Uchiha snapped.

Naruto grinned and pulled Sakura close causing her to become even redder, "Hey which do you think is worse Sakura-chan? Sasuke has a boner now," the revelation causing both Sasuke and Sakura to sputter, "Or he has a boner because he saw me naked?"

"NARUTO!" Both Kakashi and Sasuke screamed

The Jounin smacked the blonde upside the head while wiping his nose and switching out his mask. "I thought I told you that is not how you treat your elders."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head and leered at his teacher, "And I told you not to hit on Anko-chan when she's drunk. You didn't listen to _my_ good advice so why should I listen to yours?" he countered.

Kakashi remembered that Christmas party. And the aftermath. "Point taken. Well this place is too cramped for me let's go to the roof." He waved them after him as he put his hands in his pockets. "You didn't have to change too you know."

"Covering all the bases teach," Naruto explained. "Worked better than I planned."

Sasuke grunted from the back, "Eat shit and die."

The group of four went on their, somewhat, merry way. When Kakashi sat on the rail for the roof and motioned for them to sit he cupped his chin in his hand. "So. Let's introduce ourselves. Naruto and I are already acquainted, but I don't know much about you, pinky, or you, chuckles. So enlighten me."

Sakura, not catching the mild insult, "Like what?"

"Your name. Hobbies. Dislikes. Goals for the future. Stuff like that."

"Why don't you go first sensei?" Sakura asked.

He nodded, might as well, "I'm Hatake Kakashi. I have a few hobbies I'm good at and a few hobbies I'm okay at. I like some things but dislike a lot more. And my goals for the future are none of your business."

The three glared at him. "Nice," Naruto quipped.

"Pinky," Kakashi snapped, "Go!"

"Oh!...Um," she saluted, "I'm Haruno Sakura. My hobby is," she glanced at Sasuke.

_Stalking…_Kakashi added mentally.

"I really like…"

_Brooding arrogant little punks…_

"My plans for the future…"

_More stalking…_

"I hate Naruto."

"Only when I wear clothes," Naruto countered. The pink haired genin glared at him, causing another lecherous grin.

"And the way you _smile_," she hissed.

"Fine then Naruto your turn," Kakashi said, "And be honest."

Naruto laughed, "Fine. I'll be honest." Naruto said, his face taking on a somewhat vicious air. Sakura shuddered and Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "My name is Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto. I like attractive women, mentally and physically. What I really like is spending time with Anko-chan and Scarface." He leaned backwards and supported himself with his elbow. "I dislike how unresponsive even the cute ones are in this town."

"What's your goal for the future then?" Sakura asked, expected something perverted.

Naruto flashed a smile that was more a grimace, "I'm going to become an ANBU and kill a man after torturing him for hours and hours," he said softly.

Sakura fell backward and Sasuke started, a glare of anger and confusion on his face.

Naruto pointed at them and laughed. "HAHAHAH! Sorry couldn't resist!" he held up his hands, "I really meant to say I'll put my head between Tsunade-Muni-Hime's breasts before I die!" he said slapping his knees.

Kakashi held his chin in his hand, his visible eye looking a little beyond what was in front of him. "I see…" _I half expected that. I wonder if Anko knows…_"Alright Broody McSadface. What about you?"

Sasuke grunted, "I'm Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like many things. None of my dislikes are worth mentioning. My goal for the future," he looked at Naruto with very open contempt, "Is to kill a certain man."

Kakashi sighed…_I should be surprised. But I'm not. These kids represent a growth potential greater than their classmates. They all have issues that when worked out will make them into the great ninja everyone sees in them._

_And I get to screw with 'em for the next some odd years._

"Well that's nice!" Kakashi said smiling. Or at least they _thought_ he was smiling. "Now time to see if any of you can actually live up to those lofty goals." He hands each of them a sheet of paper. "Go to the address on this paper tomorrow at six o'clock sharp. Don't eat breakfast."

The three looked at him. "This will be your test to see if you can truly make it as ninja. So good luck!" Kakashi said with a smile as he walked past them. "And don't. Eat. Breakfast. At all. Nothing. No pancakes. No bacon. No-"

"WE GET IT ALREADY!" the three soon to be genin roared. Kakashi waved them off and headed down the stairs, whistling as he went.

Sasuke grunted, standing to leave. Sakura shook her head and rubbed her stomach with a grimace, while Naruto bemoaned the fact the entire page was in kanji.

**.xxxxX**

Naruto entered his home and suddenly wanted to leave. He could smell Anko. And someone else. His nostrils flared, to his surprise, it was another woman. A part of Naruto _knew_ Anko was straight as an arrow. Another part knew how much Anko enjoyed tequila. And, in the words of Gai, 'Naruto-kun! Always remember Tequila is the ultimate panty-dropper! Believe it!'

"Maybe it helps other women drop panties too," Naruto surmised as he rubbed his chin. "Anko-chan I'm home!"

"In here kid," he heard from a sitting room apart from the living room. Naruto entered to see Anko painting her toenails, with none other than Naruto's second favorite busty sensei, Kurenai.

"Heya," Naruto said waving. Anko lifted her head and opened her arms. Naruto willingly came and gave her a hug before bowing to Kurenai, who nodded her head back.

"So who's your sensei?" Anko asked after she went back to painting.

"Kakashi."

Kurenai sputtered and Anko drew a line of purple over the tip of her big toe. "Hatake? Oh god…alright kid what does he want you to do?"

"He told us to go to a training field and then he'll explain later. He also told us not to eat breakfast."

The two women looked at each other. Anko shook her head, "Go upstairs and get your plans and equipment ready Naruto."

Naruto whined, "Can't I stay down here with you?"

Anko struck with her brutal heel drop, "And have you trying to molest Kurenai all night? No thanks, get going!"

"Fine," he said with a pout, "You're just jealous."

Anko stuck her tongue out at him as he disappeared upstairs.

Kurenai watched it all with mild interest, "I wanted to ask you about that."

"About what?" Anko replied as she moved to wet her brush.

"People talk Anko."

"I hope so. If people quaked I'd die laughing."

"You know what I mean. About how you are," Kurenai's eyes drifted to Anko's glaring love bite on the back of her neck. She was also glad Anko hadn't worn a wife beater, or worse, her favorite mesh body sheathe. The attention Jin had shown to Anko's breasts had been even more extensive.

"I've been talked about since I came outta the womb. Ah the price of being perfect!" she said making a 'woe is me' pose.

Kurenai deadpanned, "They also say you have sex with Naruto."

Anko started and slowly turned her head to regard her fellow kunoichi. "You don't, right?" Anko put the brush and bottle of polish on the towel on her small coffee table. "You know I'm not like that right Kurenai!" she grabbed her friend's shoulders and shook her. "Tell me!"

"I know that Anko!" Kurenai countered. "But…sometimes. Jin had said some things that-"

"Fuck Jin!" Anko snarled. "He doesn't matter! All that matters is that _you_ know that I would never do that to Naruto! He's family to me! I care too much about him to _ever_ hurt him like that!"

Kurenai nodded. Something, though, was just a little bit _off_. Ibiki had once given her a lecture on finding guilt. When someone is either _too_ enthusiastic about their innocence or not enthusiastic enough. And Anko seemed to be _very_ enthusiastic about being free of such an accusation.

Maybe it was the slightly manic look in Anko's eyes.

Or the way she had almost sighed when Naruto had hugged her.

Kurenai gently removed Anko's hands from her shoulders and stood. She put a hand on Anko's shoulder and silently left. "Anko," Kurenai spoke to get her attention, "It would be better if you believed that as much as you want everyone else to."

Anko's brow furrowed, but before she could attack Kurenai with her own words the red eyed jounin was gone. Anko hissed loudly and began to spew a string of curses on Jin and his family. With a snarl she started scratching her curse seal. The black velvety ink began to throb gently with an unnatural light, its rhythm matched by a suddenly hungry and wet desire in her belly.

**.xxxxX**

Naruto bit down hard on his hand snarling. His eyes were blood red and his hair was waving about his head. Two thick locks had even made an apparent shape of ears. The whiskers on the side of his face had become gashes. His finger and toe nails sharp little sickles. He could smell Jin on Anko's skin.

He could _taste_ Anko's afterglow in the air around her. He snarled and began to lick his wound. He imagined Anko's full form moving and flowing. Rage filled him as he also saw Jin's face.

"It's the seal," Naruto said to himself, "Anko would never do something like normally. It has to be the seal." Naruto was not trying to convince himself Anko was a saint or a virgin. Heaven forbid the boy be _that_ dense, but he _knew_. He _knew_ Anko would not just up and leave him to fuck some guy.

"It's the seal," he repeated. Jin's face came to him again along with a dozen or so other men. With each face Naruto's teeth bit harder and his rage grew stronger.

He pictured Ino and Sakura, older, filled out. His to command and dominate. He saw Sakura's lithe form twisting at his command, Ino's large eyes wide with lust and submission.

Naruto growled heatedly in his throat before he began to claw at his wall.

A voice, swift and short, ripped through his reverie. _While I enjoy the show. I must insist. Calm down. This isn't helping you._

"Shut up," Naruto grunted as he broke the skin.

…_Calm down._

"Fuck off."

_Kit. I said…_**CALM DOWN**_**!**_

The forceful mental blast caused Naruto to wince and release his hand. Realizing what the voice wanted he closed his eyes and fell into himself, right in front of a huge pair of barred doors. Behind them sat the beautiful woman Ino had seen. She was lounging on a long chair, her feet tracing circles in the water on her side. Several women with fox ears and tails were singing gently as they fanned her and gave her sake and wine.

Her large red eyes, showing both mischievousness and malice, widened at his approach. Naruto wondered what made her so happy to see him when he came to her.

_Maybe she's hungry_…he mused.

"Well, well, well. It's been a while Naruto-sama," she said bowing her upper half, showing as much cleavage as she could. "Thank you for gracing us with your presence! May I interest you in my supple flesh? I'll even let you put it here," she rolled onto her belly and rubbed her buttocks.

"Shut up!," Naruto growled and punched the gates. "What the fuck is wrong with me getting through stress?" he roared.

The woman sat up and leveled a cooling gaze at him, "Self mutilation. No matter the method or reason, is always detrimental." She gave a wide vulpine smile, "Just look at your _guardian_," she hissed the word through her teeth.

Naruto's eyes flashed, "Keep Anko out of this."

The woman laughed and put a hand to her breast, "Because she couldn't contain her own emotions she went and fucked a nameless penis!" _Jin's smug face_. "She even came back right after drenched in his smell and scent. The taste of sex hot on her," the woman leaned forward, her eyes wide with a mad glee at Naruto's earlier mania, And now you, my little gate keeper, Naruto, my love, are biting yourself because you're so jealous and angry at that nameless penis you just _can't stand it!_"

Naruto punched the bars so hard the rattled in their frames. Kyuubi made a fake squealing sound, she squinted and rubbed her now flat ears with her hands in a manner similar to a cat.

"Please Kit," she pursed her full pouty lips, "I'm trying to relax."

He slammed them again, "Then stay out of my goddamn life!"

She perked her foxy ears, big red eyes wide again, "_Your_ life? _Yours?_ Did you forget Naruto?" She stood and gave her glass to an attendant. As she sauntered to the bars the women set down whatever they had and began to sing louder, mystic Shinto prayers and other words of faith. Thick cables of a sinewy red material grew from Kyuubi's hair and joints as she passed through the bars. With an ecstasy filled sigh she stood in front of Naruto, his face even with her naval. "This is _our_ life my handsome kit."

He frowned deeply. After chuckling a little Kyuubi shrank until she was his age, and eerily looked like Sakura. "Better?" she asked spinning a finger on his chest. He pushed her against the bars. "I love a man who's forceful," she purred, her lips almost touching his. He pulled his head back. "We're _sharing_ this life kit. Don't forget."

She put the index fingers of her hands on his heart and spoke in a hushed reverent manner, "I. Am. a _part_ of you!" She leaned in again and licked his lips, "Naruto-sama."

He pulled away from her, wiping his mouth with his arm, "NO!" Naruto screamed into her face, "YOU ARE A _CURSE_! Just like the one Orochimaru put on Anko. And as soon as I can you're out of my stomach and going into a jar!" he snapped, "I'll keep you in sight so I can watch you waste away without your precious chakra!"

Kyuubi's eyes widened. Her mouth quivered and she covered her face with her hands as tears rolled through her fingers.. "You…you'd get rid of me?" she asked, "But. But I thought we loved each other!" The liquid changed from clear fluid to thick gummy blood. It poured as a fountain over her hands as she revealed her adult face. With a swift movement only a fox could make she wrapped her arms around him and used strength that should not have been possible for her tiny body to pull him close.

Kyuubi purred and whispered into Naruto's ear nuzzling his cheek with her own as she grew into her adult form. "I've been with you since you were born. I was there when cute little Naru-chan popped outta mommy Uzumaki. And I'll be there when you have kits too."

"No."

"They'll be mine too kit."

"No," he cried louder.

She kissed his cheek, "Just like you. You're entire family belongs to me. Body." She kissed the other cheek.

"No! I'm not yours! I'm free!"

"And soul!" she forced her lips to his and rammed her tongue down his throat.

Liquid fire rushed through Naruto's body. Tears fell down his face and air was trapped in his lungs.

Her nails ripped his clothes and dug into his flesh. She broke the kiss and necked him. "Give in to me," she sigh huskily. "Just a little bit. Some of your soul to me. An ocean of power to you! FAIR TRADE MY LOVE!"

Her blood red lips went toward his again, a hunger on her face that belied anything else Naruto had ever seen. He pushed away and broke free of her iron grasp. As he fell he splashed through the water downward until he dropped, hard, into his own body sitting on his bed.

A tittering feminine laugh followed him, but when he was back in his body it rumbled into the painful and powerful voice of her, or its, true form. His temples strained under the mental pressure of the Kyuubi's full attention. His teeth shook in their gums. His eyes ached and his sinuses almost cracked.

_**YOU'LL SEE THAT IT'S THE RIGHT CHOICE SOONER OR LATER KIT! YOU SIGNED THE CONTRACT! THE FOXES ANSWER YOUR CALL NOW!**_

Each word, each syllable made the pressure grow amazingly dense. A ball of pain settled in Naruto's head and stayed there as the Kyuubi made mocking jeers and laughter. But what hurt Naruto the most, what stayed with him was the sounds Kyuubi made to simulate Anko.

Mid coitus.

With fucking Jin.

**BYAAHAHAHA! SHE FUCKED HIM! SHE FUCKED HIM! SHE RODE HIM LIKE A STALLION! AND SHE _LOVED IT!_**

"SHUT UP!" Naruto screamed. "ANKO! PLEASE! MAKER HER STOP!"

Tears tumbled down his cheeks. He hugged his knees to his chest, and hoped Anko had heard him. He wanted her to come in and save him. He wanted her to save him like she did all those years ago. He didn't want to be alone with Kyuubi. He wanted Anko to some in and hug him and ruffle his hair and tell him it was alright, that she would be here for him. He wanted her to tell him how much she loved him and he was safe from the Kyuubi.

Although Naruto told himself he _wanted_ these things the truth of the matter is he desperately _needed_ them.

And as Naruto covered his head with a pillow to try and block out Kyuubi's twisted lullaby, Anko masturbated fiercely in her sitting room, her lust only seeming to grow stronger as she thought she heard Naruto call her name.

* * *

A/N: Howdy. Wow. Zany idn't it? When I first wrote it it was actually pretty tame. A few scenes shifted in the direction I had hoping to convey earlier. But the exams had too much good comedy bits to bog them down with the shit in this chapter. At first this chapter melded into Kakashi's test, but I realized after editing this I could put a lot more power into the 'Anko and Naruto are f'in crazy' punch. So for those of you who still are wondering how this can be Anko/Naruto...well they both _are_ crazy and horny.

Not a good combo...unless you're pervs like me...

And to answer any questions Naruto meant he would torture Ino if she kept asking about that woman, which he actually would _have_ to do considering the Third's Decree. Also: The fox maidens in Kyuubi's cell are also summoned foxes. I'll explain how they allow Kyuubi to leave the cell later.

Thanks for reading and be sure to review...

MountainWind Blowing away...


	7. Everyone's Crazy Y'know?

A/N: Yeah...this chapter got so ridiculously long it wasn't even funny. Oh well not like it matters. I also did a few things here that some people will complain about. But meh. If half of ya ain't complaining I'm not writing well. Also starting now I'll reply to a few more reviews that I feel need to be addressed. I'll keep from arguing, ain't no point.

Knightewolfe: He didn't steal Ino's Panties. Ino doesn't wear panties. She just wraps her legs.

Karibanu: Anko isn't fatally attracted to Naruto, the seal is increasing and warping her desires the reason she is so slutty is because she's still in control of her actions enough to focus them elsewhere. It will calm down in a little bit The title 'Serpentine Embrace' refers to how both Naruto and Anko are kinda under Orochimaru's thumb in this.

Kami Yurushimi: Been doing Warhammer. A small games takes an hour.

Brother Bludgeon: Don't worry. If ya notice Naruto doesn't actually show much sexual attraction for Naruto, more possessiveness. I'll try and keep this from getting too bad.

Zaradan: The fact I kicked the Emo out of you makes me happy.

King Hawke: Not really, sorry. And Jin isn't spreading rumors, he's explaining things as he sees them. Also 'to be a _real_ Sasuke?' Really? I'd rather have a fake Sasuke, with some actual character thrown in (Fetish, What's a Fetish, and Never Cut Twice anyone?), than one of your 'real' Sasuke's any day.

King of the DamnD: Yeah...No.

Starfire99: Fuck you. I'm busy and this is free, don't complain.

Juopunumies: Your name confuses me when I try to pronounce it...BUT ANYWAY. I'm sorry I mean to indicate Iruka wouldn't have to teach cadets for some three years.

Kael Hyun: No harem, sorry. And yeah...he would have to. If ya haven't noticed, Naruto takes orders, especially from the Third, seriously.

Doom Marine 54: No. It isn't. If you're being a smart ass: Shut up. If you're actually asking: I did hate that I used that a lot. my bad.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Nor do I claim any connection with random OCs being similiar to awesome manga that should be made in equally awesome OVAs.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

The next day was hell in the morning. Both guardian and ward were trying their best to keep the other from realizing what they had done into the wee hours of the morning. Anko had pleasured herself for until her fingers were numb in an attempt to get rid of the agonizingly persistent hornyness in her loins. She didn't even accurately recall how many times she came, only to feel the urges rise again soon after the release. Enraged at her seemingly inability to simply fuck herself silly, she eventually drank herself into a stupor before taking a very short and ineffective shower which ended in her flopping into bed.

Exactly as her alarm went off.

Naruto's night had been infinitely worse. After realizing his screams, which he muffled unconsciously, weren't going to reach Anko he had tried to retreat into a part of his mind the Kyuubi could not reach. It succeeded until she came looking for him. When she found her 'soul mate' she proceeded to mentally molest him panting and huffing her hot breath into his ear or his mouth as she tried to kiss him. Eventually Naruto woke up from the self imposed nightmare only for Kyuubi to begin laughing and serenading him.

When Naruto demanded to be allowed to sleep the Kyuubi relented, if Naruto did one or two choice lewd acts upon her. Unable to keep his fragile control in check Naruto did as asked.

To his horror and shame Kyuubi had demanded Naruto to kiss and orally pleasure her. The degrading act had at first given Naruto a feeling of being incredibly dirty, but as he heard the whimpers and moans of enjoyment from the fox demon it changed slightly into something he would rather not admit he felt. The Kyuubi, who grew ecstatic at the intimate contact, released Naruto from her terrible mental hold and then sang a genuine lullaby. Naruto only wished the sounds of her song weren't still echoing around in his head.

Naruto with bags under his eyes, but fading gently, and a deep frown on his face looked at the plate of food Anko had made for him. His eyes occasionally wandered to the lack of clothing his guardian had chosen for the morning. Usually Anko would wear at least an actual shirt and some shorts, now she had resigned to panties and one of her infamous net body stockings. The only thing preventing Naruto from seeing Anko's large mounds in their full splendor was her apron.

"_It must have been a very lonely man that thought those things up. Or a guy who's wife had saggy boobs…_" Naruto mused as Anko slid a second stack of French toast before him.

"Eh?" she asked eyeing the first, and untouched, pile. "Eat gaki," she snapped.

"Orders…" he replied shoving the plate away.

The spatula Anko was holding hit him square in the nose. Naruto didn't blink, even as sugar and cinnamon coated his face. "Believe me. You don't know Kakashi half as well as I wish I didn't," she explained as she pushed the meal back to him. Naruto looked at it. Then Anko's face which showed the barest hint of concern. Not wanting to worry her Naruto began to eat.

Purring happily Anko kissed his cheek and started on her own meal.

"_One day she'll convince me to do something I'll regret…_" Naruto thought absent mindedly.

Eating in silence both guardian and ward seemed to be testing the waters. Anko, who had been given a reprieve from her rampant desire by the intense amount of alcohol she had drunk thought about seeing the Third. The seal had been more active in the past few days, and it was a worrisome sign.

But as Anko watched Naruto eat the thoughts in her mind swirled more towards spending time with him, maybe taking the day off and waiting for him to get back from Kakashi's hootenanny. They could watch a movie and make a big supper.

_And then you can fuck him._

Anko grew very still after a sudden start. Naruto had picked up the paper and was reading it so he didn't notice.

Her large brown eyes slowly moved to her left, followed by the agonizingly slow turn of her head. Sitting there, taking up Ibiki's normal seat, was a smirking doppelganger of herself. It held its chin in its hand and was eyeing her with a pair of almost black eyes. It had a set of orbs that were muddy and deep instead of her normal chocolate brown. Anko almost lost herself in the recesses of those terribly dark eyes.

The phantasm grinned wider, its cheeks appearing to be cut by an invisible knife.

_Come on._ It urged her, stroking one arm with hands that felt like velvet_ He won't say no. You know that._ Anko snatched her arm away. She saw a set of certain black markings had been left where the thing touched her.

Anko absentmindedly scratched her curse seal furiously. It was throbbing. Like it had a _heartbeat_. When she did the apparition sighed.

_Thanks. I get itchy real easy these days._

Shaking slightly Anko motioned for Naruto with her other hand, "N-Naruto…" Anko called.

The blonde looked over the paper, "Yeah?"

"What time did Kakashi ask for you to meet him?" she asked. The doppelganger stood and sauntered over to Naruto. Wiggling her wide hips she leaned over him and rested her forearms on his shoulders. The thing put her face in his hair and inhaled deeply before flowering his brow with kisses.

_Tastes like fresh black soil. Rich and heady…_ Anko gulped as she watched it slither and arm down his shirt.

"Oh, he said around six." He checked the kitchen clock, "It's almost nine now. I'll head out in a few minutes. I'm not really expecting him until after eleven or twelve," the container explained, with no way of knowing he was being raped before her eyes.

The image of Anko's twisted desire grabbed Naruto and pulled him into her embrace, forcing her long tongue down his throat. Anko rubbed her eyes and noticed there was now a Naruto with her vision as well as the one now looking worriedly at her. She rubbed her eyes.

"Hey…Anko-chan. Your eyes are really red. How much did you drink last night?"

"Too much," Anko sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. "Are you done? I'll take care of the dishes."

He nodded and helped her stack them. Anko continued to hear the catcalls and moans of the other her, even the squeak of a chair when the illusion started to fuck her own copy of Naruto. Anko didn't look, didn't try. Her eyes were wide and she was on the verge of tears.

_You want him so bad…god it's like it's written on your face! 'I wanna bang a thirteen year old boy!'_

Naruto had gone to his room to get his gear and trench coat. As he now walked past the kitchen Anko spun away from the sink to him and hugged him tightly. At first surprised Naruto sensed a portion of what was wrong with her, and gently hugged her back.

Her voice cracked a bit, "You'll do great. You're going to pass and show this stupid village what you're made of. Good luck Uzumaki Naruto," she said as she stroked the hairs on the back of his neck. Naruto laughed a little at how ticklish it was, and did the same. Anko stood, kissed him on the cheek and sent him on his way.

Naruto wiped his cheek, in a child like way but not before saying, "My name is Uzumaki-_Mitarashi_ Naruto, Anko-chan."

She laughed and watched as he left, standing at her door, panties and net shirt all that protected her against the wetness of the fog. Anko waved at his back, until he could not longer be seen through the mist. Finally she turned around and closed the door.

_Shoulda slipped him the tongue._

Anko gasped as the sweaty face of her clone was now inches from her own. The smell of sex was strong around the frowning and haughty bitch. A bite mark, just big enough to come from a boy, surrounded her left nipple.

The real Anko slowly tumbled to the floor and grabbed her head. Her eyes darted about in their sockets as she tried to look anywhere _but_ the woman before her. "No. No I…I can't think that anymore!" she whispered to no one. Naruto's scent, like the forest after a heavy rain, filled her nostrils. The seal throbbed painfully its heartbeat matching her own and pumping white hard pain into her neck and temples. The pain bit deep, it stung and hurt so bad and at the same time wonderfully. Anko shoved her fist in her mouth, bit down, and screamed.

_You've already broken once Anko-chan._ A knowing cold voice told her, _And once something breaks it only gets easier to break it again._

The standing Anko chuckled. She smirked before she began to laugh maniacally.

**xxXxx**

The training grounds that Kakashi had ordered them to were dark, muggy, and covered with fog. Sasuke and Sakura, who had both arrived on time and without a scrap of a meal, stood staring at the road which led to where they were currently standing. Sasuke had come early, despite Naruto's warning of Kakashi's tardiness because he wanted to gauge a few things about their team. Also so he could set a few traps with the help of his clan's ninja cat servants.

Sakura had come early because her mother was on a warpath after seeing her final graduation score. It didn't matter she had been among the top twenty percent of the girls in her class overall. It didn't matter it was only her physical aspects, which were already low to begin with, had been dragged down by the 'diet' she was on. It didn't matter that the Haruno household had been the staging ground for three parties that went well into the night for last three days before the test interrupting Sakura's sleep.

Nothing mattered other than her mother's damnable expectations.

For a brief second Haruno Sakura had a look cross over her face, at the exact moment Sasuke was inspecting a rare bird, which held all the hatred festering for her mother's unflinching and overbearing need for her daughter to be perfect like her. Within that brief second, buried deep, deep inside Sakura's mind, a small voice said softly: _The only thing stopping you from killing her is the word 'mother.'_ The venomous phrase shocked Sakura out of her reverie.

The pink haired Haruno shuddered and rubbed her arms. Sasuke wondered what she was thinking about, it was too humid for her to be cold. She was staring at the ground, her pink hair a dark fuchsia now that it was damp from the mist. Sasuke, who was never one to really care about people before his brother's attack, and who cared even less afterwards eyed his new teammate with the barest hint of concern.

Sasuke had always thought of Sakura, along with any other girl who could say his name at the pitch of a dog whistle, as a worthless annoyance, but looking at her now he noticed a far away contemplative look to her. It was no secret Sakura was intelligent and capable. Her ability to see through illusions on her chakra sense alone was amazing. The control over her chakra systems was, as some of the older ninja had proclaimed, perfect. It was her naiveté and the odd habits she had developed over the last several years that kept her from excelling. Those damn diets of hers for one.

"_Sakura can't weigh more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. What kind of person would think she needs to _lose_ weight?"_ Unable to derail his train of inspection Sasuke's head ticked slightly to the left as he caught wind of something rare he hadn't seen before…"_She just looks so alone…"_

He shook the thoughts roughly from his mind. No reason to think that with Sakura. She and Ino may feud, constantly, but the blonde did care for her pink haired friend. Despite whatever problems Sakura had, she didn't have either the problems of Sasuke and Naruto that kept the two from properly mingling with their peers.

Of course, if Sasuke had thought beyond his own pain, the events Team 7 would come to find themselves in, in the future would turn out drastically different.

Time passed slowly for them, Sasuke's mind wandering in thought between the blonde teammate and the pink haired one. Sakura's mind begging her stomach to shut up for once.

"Hey Sakura," he asked after about an hour.

She turned to him, her large sea green eyes seeming to envelop him.

Sasuke repressed a shudder, _"She says Naruto's grin is creepy. She should look into a mirror once or twice. That stare of hers is on par with Dobe's dental work any day," _he thought, "What do you think of our team?" he managed after he had pulled his eyes away from Sakura's own encapsulating orbs.

The girl sighed heavily. "Well I'm glad I'm with you Sasuke-kun…but Naruto makes me…"

"_Here goes…_" Sasuke quipped under his breath. It was well known neither Ino nor Sakura had much nice to say about Naruto, if anything at all. What was worse is their frequent reminders to everyone of just how much they didn't have to say there were, for lack of a better word, ridiculously long.

"Nervous…I…I don't know what it is. Ever since we were little, there's been this feeling about him that scares me," she explained.

"_That's new._" He turned to face her fully, "And what's so scary about _Naruto_ of all people?"

Sakura rubbed her arms again another shudder running through her body. "I say I hate his smile…but that's not exactly true. I…I have a bad memory when I was younger."

Seeing her trepidation Sasuke offered, "If you don't want to share it…"

She shook her head, "Maybe I should. I never really was able to tell Ino. I think she likes Naruto. I trust you Sasuke-kun; you may be able to help get my thoughts straight." She took a deep breath and steeled herself. "Naruto had this doll when he was younger. He really loved it. It was a stuffed orange fox with nine tails and these really cute button eyes." She spun an index finger in a circle, "They had a special gloss on them so they almost looked alive."

Sasuke, vaguely, remembered such a thing.

_Sasuke. Ask that boy what flavor ice cream he would like. The one with the doll on the swing._

_Why aniki?_

_It's polite to share when you have more than enough. Remember that Sasuke. Besides he seems like he could use a cold scoop to cheer him up._

"One day after Mitarashi adopted him he was running around the playground with it and got to playing with Shikamaru and Chouji; he put it down on a bench and forgot about it. Mitarashi came and got him and they left. Well…" Sakura's face turned red, "A few of the others saw it and decided to…decided to," she took another deep breath. "They tore it up and threw the pieces all over."

Sasuke silently watched as Sakura sank onto her gear bag and put her chin in her cupped hands. "Did you help them?" he asked his thin eye brow arched.

Sakura shook her head, "No. Ino once broke a doll of mine when we were really little and I remembered how bad it felt. So I actually tried to put it back together. I was seven Sasuke, trying to put a stuffed animal back together like a puzzle."

He watched her laugh humorlessly.

"But he came running back shouting 'Ko-chan!' 'Ko-chan!' Only to find me, pushing it into a ball of fabric. I was startled and ran off; I dropped a piece of fuzz or two. I didn't see him at the playground for a few days. I wanted to apologize and give back the pieces of the doll so he could get it fixed, I even put them in a little box I had from one of my own toys. But he never went to the park again I think. Then, one day when I was walking home I saw him." She became very silent. A deep, violent and unconscious shudder ran from the top of her head to her toes. "He was standing in the middle of the street just _looking_ at me. He pointed at me and smiled so wide I thought the top of his head would just flop off. He said to me 'You don't have to apologize I have Anko-chan to protect me now. Ko-chan needed a break anyway. Heh. Get it?'" Sakura had mimicked Naruto's supposedly manic grin to a T as well as pointing forward.

Sasuke found it very disturbing.

Returning to her somber manner Sakura looked at her own hand as if just realizing she had it, "There was something in the way Naruto looked at me. Something angry. Violent. And _hungry._" She said the last word with an emotion that had Sasuke on his heels. His left eye narrowed in scrutiny while his right eyebrow arched upwards.

Sakura turned her overly large eyes back to Sasuke, "I can't describe it. It was like looking at something dangerous for the first time. Like when you see a tiger and think 'kitty' only to grow up and suddenly realize the 'kitty' has claws longer than your finger and jaws that can crush your bones."

She looked at the ground again, "_That's_ why I don't like Naruto. Because he is _something dangerous_ that could eat you up, and he tries to act like a fool. But if you push him just a bit," she emphasized this by poking the air with a finger, "You can see it in his face. Hear it in his voice. He'll bite and scratch and claw at you until he gets you to stop. And then he'll be the little hyperactive idiot again. I wondered once, a long time ago, what caused that. But I realized soon after I started thinking about it that it was probably better _not_ to know."

Sasuke kept quiet as Sakura mumbled into silence. While he did not want to admit it he was curious as to how exactly Sakura knew all that. The incident she described was one thing, but to get such a glimpse into someone took time and observation. Naruto never did anything remotely like what she had suggested. Absently Sasuke thought to the times when Sakura would avoid Naruto for days when the loud boy would shelf his perverted games to become a bit more…predatory. These were when Sasuke found his position as top rookie threatened the most. Sakura was correct. There _was_ something dangerous about Naruto, and if there wasn't he at least had a big secret.

And along that line of thought, eyeing Sakura the young Uchiha could not help but feel the same way about _her_.

**xxXxx**

Konoha before dawn was slightly macabre. It was dark, misty, and seemed to exude the aura of a proper ninja stronghold. Naruto made note of this drastic change as he made his way toward the training grounds. It egged and nagged at him how what was supposed to be such a comfortable and home like place could transition so violently from your average village to the core of a powerful network of assassins and warriors.

"Hey Naruto-kun!" a cool feminine voice called.

Looking up the blonde noticed a lanky and heavily tattooed young woman walking up to him. He had her septum pierced and a grand design of a falcon covering most of her bald head. Her style of dress was almost exactly like Anko's, but because of her cut boyish frame there was no doubt that very few people, even in this prudish village, that would care. She wore a revealing net top over a black and white stripped bikini top that was more to cover her nipples and their studs than actually hold any breast meat in. Her ninja pants had been ripped or torn just under the middle of the thigh letting her long calves free. While she had a pair of sandals hanging from a strap on her belt she was running barefoot, her toenails painted with bright mismatched colors, the same as her sharp claw like fingernails.

Her long arms and legs were decorated with sweeping animal and weaponry shapes drawn tribal. Her facial piercings, including the septum a set of snake bites, a micro-dermal and several eyebrow bolts, only became more pronounced as she ran up to him. Her low slung pants, which showed off her lower hips and pelvis scantily, had the Uzumaki flaming swirl with the symbols for Naruto's name emblazoned in a reverse tramp stamp. Bright blue happy eyes squinted in joy as she swept him into a hug.

"How's Komugi-neechan's favorite artist?" she asked spinning him.

Naruto made a small sound as his spine cracked by the powerful embrace.

Hanafuko Komugi was one of the many varied members of the torture and interrogation division. Each member specially chosen by Ibiki to perform on individuals with similar psychological profiles. Komugi, who had been a tomboy all her life and had gotten a breast reduction early in her tenure as a kunoichi was chosen to interrogate rabid feminists. After taking a liking to torture instead of merely asking question she altered her appearance to become more threatening. Komugi devoted the next five years of her life to intense physical training from Maito Gai which left the already powerful kunoichi with a powerful and deceptively skinny body. The snake bites and other piercings only enhanced her somewhat predatory visage. Never mind the near sixty-five tribal tattoos she had covering her exposed upper body and arms.

All of which were designed by her current prey.

She kissed his cheeks furiously before putting him down, "Out early aintcha?" she asked, clicking the ring going through the, oddly enough, pointed tip of her tongue against her teeth.

"Yeah I'm a ninja now," he said tapping his headband.

Komugi's eyes grew abnormally wide as she crouched down and grabbed Naruto's face to steady the object of inspection. With a loud squeal she hugged him again. Naruto whimpered as she forgot just how strong she was.

"My little brother is gonna be a great ninja! He'll capture all sorts of evil bitches for me to torture!" she said kissing Naruto's face again.

"Okay! Okay let me down before you break me in half!" Naruto cried through the affectionate assault.

Laughing Komugi did as she was told and clapped Naruto hard on the back sending him to his knees. "I hope you join our division Naruto-kun it'll be great with you there. Hifumi and Moto-chan will be so happy!"

Naruto's face became a visage of terror as Komugi mentioned those names. "Please…don't talk about those two…they scare the shit outta me," he sighed.

The lanky woman chuckled and ruffled his hair, "Don't say that, you'll make Moto-chan cry. But hey I need a new design!" she chirped.

Naruto eyeballed her, "I just drew you four! And I see two of them! It's bad enough you made me draw that embarrassing signature! You should have told me you're 'advertising' was gonna be your damn ten-year-old boy midriff."

"Awww! Naruto-kun! Don't make fun of my body! I worked hard to be strong!" she pouted, whilst also flexing her arm displaying the hidden muscle, "And I just need one more! Please! Pretty please! With bamboo shoots and finger clamps on top!"

The large corn-flower blue eyes watered.

"_If she didn't look like the butch in lesbian porn she'd be a lot cuter…_" Naruto mused. "Fine where's it gonna be?"

Chirping like a lark she answered hopped up and down clapping her hands, "My pussy!"

Naruto nodded as he drew out a notebook, "Okay so what kinda-" Stopping in mid sentence he looked at her. "On your _what?_"

She blushed deeply and began to wiggle her body back and forth like a school girl. "I have a date in a few weeks, he's on a mission, and he said his favorite animal was a fox so I thought I'd surprise him!" she said.

"You…have…you been asking Anko for dating advice again?" he deadpanned.

Her long tongue lolled out of her mouth and she flicked the ring and its matching stud in a rhythm. "Nope! I asked Morino-dono and he said I should show him my affection the best way I know how!"

Sighing deeply Naruto slouched forward, "I don't think Scarface meant get a new tattoo and then have sex with the guy…"

Komugi, who still had her tongue out, regarded the young blonde. She crouched down once more, and curved her body so she could look up into his eyes. "Well…" her voice losing its innocent charm, "Maybe I should take a page outta Anko's book and go for a younger man, eh Naruto-kun?"

The good natured exasperation in Naruto's face was replaced by raw fury. He glared at her. He bared his teeth, which grew even sharper. He flexed his fingers, each one growing a sharp deadly little sickle for a nail. Blue eyes shifted visibly into indigo like ink poured into water. Naruto's hand shot out and snagged her neck. Sweat formed at her temple as the Chunin realized she could not have dodged that. As he squeezed her windpipe, making it hard for her to breathe, Komugi shook visibly.

There is but one more thing to mention about Hanafuko Komugi: she has a deep rooted and unexplainable fantasy of being dominated sexually. Usually violently as well due to an equally deep rooted masochistic streak.

"JUST KIDDING!" she cried, striking his nose with her middle finger. He slowly let go, his eyes still piercing into her own. "You know I don't think of Anko-momma or you like that right?" she asked as she straightened to her full height. Naruto didn't release her from his glare. "Don't tease me like that Naruto-kun." She cracked her neck and shoulders, stretching her meager bust. "I just may take you to a private dungeon for the two of us. If I did make you that mad I'm sorry." Her voice came out low in a purr, "You can take out all your anger on me if you want but…don't scratch too deep you'll ruin my ink work."

Naruto frowned deeply, the features of his anger wafting away like smoke. His nails became short and round, his whiskers grew faint, and his eyes became the deep ocean cerulean once more. Turning on his heel he stalked off, towards the training grounds.

"Hey Naru-kun!" she called waving to his back, "I'll be at Moshi's Tattoo parlor later tonight! You better be there with that design!" Watching him go her smile faded and she held her chin in one arm, which was then supported by her free hand. Shifting her weight fully onto her left leg she studied the exchange fully in her mind.

"Note to self," she said softly, "Subject Fox's agitation at mentioning of pedophilic tendencies in subject Snake has increased marginally. Physical reaction consistent with Subject Fox's unique condition denotes this increased agitation may lead to further communion with condition's root cause. Recommend evaluation into Subject Fox's impulse control to locate previously proposed dangers of jinchuuriki emotional breakdown and mental degradation.

"Further note: Subject Snake's scent was strongly on and around Subject Fox's head and neck. Scent includes denoted human female pheromone for sexual arousal. Subject Snake's potential as pedophile increased to 34% with a 4% margin of error, up from 28% with 7% margin for error. However, as previous pedophilic tendencies are not recorded refer to Subject Snake's file, information pertaining to 'Curse Seal' and 'Orochimaru,' recommended. Further observation of Subject Snake will commence as soon as possible. Direct current notes to Section chief and project overseer Morino Ibiki as soon as possible. Note complete."

As if someone hit a button inside her head Komugi started, whirled on her toes, began to sing an upbeat hip-hop tune that was popular on the radio, and bounced onward in the opposite direction.

**xxXxx**

The meeting with Komugi left Naruto with a bad taste in his mouth. It didn't help he had a wayward attraction to the woman. Komugi was only four years older than Naruto and reminded him constantly that when he became a ninja he was counted as an adult of the village. This usually sparked an argument with Anko. And everyone said the elder Mitarashi had a thing for kids. The women of the Torture and Interrogation department should take a good long look at their definition of 'adult.'

The fact that Komugi was one of the few women who responded to Naruto's flirtations in kind did not help the situation much. Her favorite activity, after discovering that Naruto could draw very good tribal tattoos, was to bribe him with her body. At first she would strip for him but then she offered to let him touch. After that Ibiki stepped in and said enough was enough. He told Komugi that if she paid Naruto in anything other money for his drawings while he was underage she would find herself at Anko's mercy.

And he always made a point of reminding everyone what happened the night the guardian first met her ward.

While Naruto still believed Komugi was a closet lesbian (L_ook at her for Kami's sake, never mind what she did to poor Kurenai at the Christmas party last year_…Naruto shuddered visibly), despite her perverse mocking, he had to admit there was something about the lean, mean, killing machine that sparked something inside him.

"Probably that damn fox smells her submissive side," he grunted to no one. Naruto put two fingers; still slightly claw like, to where Komugi had kissed him. The final smooch had almost hit his lips. The metal from her snake bites hit hard for some reason and the stinging pain always lingered a bit longer than normal.

Naruto was also still holding his notebook and pencil. He sighed deeply as he began to sketch out a fox shape. Unlike the rest of Komugi Naruto didn't know the physical layout of her crotch. So he made a few anatomical scratchings of what she may look like. Because Komugi hated her own body hair she waxed and shaved daily, so there wouldn't be any pubic hair to block the image or get in the way of its injection.

He decided that based on the area she wanted it he would go with a fox head and tail instead of a full bodied animal. The picture went through several revisions. It started as a grinning vixen with a bushy single tail. He then moved on to a Kitsune woman, much like the summons and Kyuubi herself, in a punk rocker outfit. Frowning he flipped to the next page and started on what he hoped would be the final design.

The picture took shape, but it had no definition. There was just a fox face and a long tail coming from behind it. He frowned deeper until his feet felt the transition from solid packed dirt to fresh grass and bare soil.

"Morning Naruto," he heard. His head popped up to see Sakura and Sasuke standing, and glaring at him.

Not wanting to deal with any bitching he grunted out, "I haven't even done anything yet."

"Kakashi is late," Sasuke said as he examined the now rising sun. "_Very_ late."

Naruto went back to drawing, "I told you. He's _always_ late. The Hokage can't even make him show up on time. He won't be here for another few hours," the blonde explained as he sat down and began to rummage in his coat's pockets. He drew forth a small book and opened it to a certain page before drawing.

Sakura blinked, "Wait. If you knew that then why are you here so early then?" she huffed, her hands on her hips.

Naruto frowned just long enough for Sasuke to catch it before he grinned sexily at Sakura. "How could I stay away from a beauty covered in dew?" he asked.

She huffed and raised her hands in a helpless gesture. She was still for a few minutes before she looked over at Naruto. He kept furiously erasing whatever he was drawing and flipping to a new page in the small notebook. Her overly large eyes also read the cover of the book now propped up by his knees. _Wildlife of the Lands of Fire, Wind, and Water._ Curious, because Sakura always wanted to be able to do anything artistic as well as Naruto being _quiet_, she slowly scooted over so she could look at what he was drawing.

"What…what is it gonna be?" she asked, tentatively, as if he was about to bite.

Grunting Naruto erased a set of eyes that reminded her of a cartoon, "Tattoo for a friend. She wants a new one…"

"Oh," Sakura replied. She didn't know Naruto drew tattoos. "Is it your first one?"

He looked at her with a deep, deep frown. "No," he snapped. "It'll be my seventieth for her."

Sakura blinked. "And she got all of them on her body?" Sakura asked.

Naruto nodded, "Yep. She even made me design a signature and got that on her stomach to advertise who drew her ink. She plans to get me my own equipment for my next few birthdays and cut the cost for them." He grinned evilly, "Little does she know I can find all the supplies wholesale and still make off with a good bit for even a small one!"

Despite the fact Naruto smiling made her want to retch Sakura asked, "Have you ever put one on someone before?"

He shook his head and hastily scribbled through a picture of an adorable kit. "The owner of the shop Anko and I went to said he'd let me when I had some practice done. I may try with some Kage Bunshin when I get the tools."

"Oh…" Sakura repeated.

Sasuke caught the 'and_ I went to._' His eyes narrowed and moved from Naruto's baggy cargo pants and leg wraps to his long overcoat.

"I guess she wants a fox?" Naruto nodded. "Where's she getting it done?" Sakura asked as she inspected her own thin calf.

Naruto stopped mid stroke and looked up at her. The only one with dark hair snorted as he noticed Naruto was giving Sakura a stare as wide and disconcerting as her own._ Kami…if I tell her I'll be putting up with her shit _all damn day_. But if I lie…and she ever meets Komugi…damnable women Shikamaru is right. Girls are troublesome._ Deciding to answer and not answer at the same time Naruto replied, "About that…You probably don't wanna know."

Frowning, "Why not? Tell me," she demanded.

Naruto shook his head furiously back and forth, "No. You'll call me a pervert and then hit me. I know it. I'm not in the mood for it either," he explained poking her nose with his eraser, leaving a smudge.

Wiping at the smudge Sakura returned her attention to him, "I promise not to hit you! Just tell me!" She had the same puppy dog look in her eyes as Komugi.

_Dammit…she just has to be cute too. _Naruto narrowed his eyes and gave Sakura the impression of an old guard dog, "Fine. She wants it. Well. At her…y'know…" he said staring downward. If Sakura had paid attention to where he was looking she would have realized it earlier.

"Stop mumbling Naruto where does she want it?" Sakura roared, furious with his stalling.

He rubbed the back of his head, "Her…her pussy…" Sakura slammed her hand down hard on Naruto's head. "OW! GODDAMIT I KNEW IT! You lie like a mattress!" he roared as he dropped his things and grabbed his wounded skull.

Sakura, crossing her arms over her chest, made a commanding look, "I didn't hit you because you're a pervert."

"THEN WHY DAMMIT!" the blonde bellowed as a bump began to form.

Sakura looked away, her face red, "Don't…don't use such dirty words…"

Naruto's face dropped. "Really? That's it? So I can say she wants a new tattoo on her vagina all I want but _not_ on her puss-" Sakura hit him again causing the blonde to jump up with his fists clenched. His face retained its anger even as he grinned from ear to ear, showing off almost all of his sharp teeth. The shade in the tree was enough for Naruto's night vision to partially activate making his eyes glow. Reaching into the folds of his coat he drew rope, a ball gag, and what resembled a turkey baster from his pockets, "Okay Sakura-chan…"

"W-What are t-th-those for Naruto…" she asked cringing away from him. She noted with horror, that the baster was actually an enema.

"We're gonna bond…like good teammates should!"

Screeching Sakura dashed off with Naruto hot on her heels laughing maniacally. Every time he got close he jabbed her backside with the tube causing Sakura to yelp and dash forward. "YA! YA! GET ALONG!" he cried cracking the rope at her heels like a whip.

Sasuke, who was standing with a very bored look on his face, put a hand to his stomach. "I'm hungry…" he lamented. The declaration was followed by a soft grumble from his belly.

**xxXxx**

Anko drudged wearily into the streets of Konoha. Her little bout of 'self inspection' from the image of the seal had left her even more drained than she felt when she started making breakfast. Not even her favorite meal had been able to perk her up. With a heavy sigh she trudged along toward the secret teleport point for the Torture and Interrogation division's domestic headquarters.

Most people believed the TAI squadron members kept to the darker alleyways because they were all freaks.

Well…they are…

But in truth like Anko's attempted departure six years ago the best places to hide something is where people wouldn't normally look. A little known fact about the slums of Konoha was that the area where bums and poor travelers or refuges made their homes was actually owned entirely by the reigning Hokage as a secret base. Every building was fortified with traps and weaponry and scrolls. Every third or fourth bum on the street was a trained ANBU cadet keeping watch over a stash of hidden gear.

The greatest secret of this area was the run down Shodaime Monument. A statue made of rare and expensive wood, horribly covered with graffiti and trash due to lack of up keep, was situated inside a massive museum of Konoha's 'history.' Anko smirked humorlessly as she looked at the ancient building. It was here that the Shodaime had begun his creation of Konoha when his wife became the first container for the demon fox.

With a shake of her head she stalked inside. A young woman, eyes glued to an equally ancient computer screen waved. "Welcome to Konoha's memorial Museum," she droned. "Fifteen ryou for adults. Children under eighteen and the elderly get in free."

Anko slammed a few coins on the counter, grabbed the ticket as it was ejected from a built in machine and walked into the ladies' room on the other side of the turnstile. Every tile was the kind of dirty old yellow one likens to parchment. A massive wash basin with two broken mirrors and one missing was all the place had in way of a sink. Anko saw numerous phone numbers along the doors, each one proclaiming where one could find a good time. Despite herself Anko snuck a peak into the second to last stall and chuckled when she saw the holes that had been cut out and lined with duct tape.

"Glory to the brave," she muttered with a snigger.

Finally entering the last stall on the left Anko took a seat on the suspiciously clean toilet and focused her chakra. Making over two hundred and seventy four seals she flushed it and was dropped, by way of the most ingenious use of gravity and seals known to shinobi kind, into an accompanying stall.

Opening it she exited into a nearly sterilely clean washroom. Soap, gloves, hairnets and other sanitation odds and end dispensers lined the walls. Washing her hands Anko walked out of the restroom and into her proper office.

The massive complex that held all of Konoha's current prisoners and other unmentionables took up the equivalent of four square acres of space. Situated two hundred feet below ground one thousand meters to the southwest of Konoha the TAI squadron's headquarters was the most well protected part of the shinobi nation.

Every guard was at least a jounin or special ANBU cadet. No single member had less than fifty jutsu mastered along with a variety of elemental types sprinkled in. The most powerful of the guards supposedly could use two types as masters and effectively wield one or two more. Anko herself never saw the need to expand her chakra's reserves beyond her natural earth affinity, but she also didn't see making captain either.

Not because she wasn't skilled, perish the thought, but because being an ANBU captain meant she wouldn't get to do any real 'hands on' work.

She grinned evilly as she made her way to the postings board which showed who would be working on or with who. Anko, as third in command of her particular squad, was usually early, but today she found herself waiting in a line.

Directly in front of her was a short young woman, barely a woman if you had asked Anko, with long brownish red hair tied into two ridiculously ornate ponytails that swung downward. Needless to say the girl had rarely seen battle. She was fidgeting with her hands and mumbling to herself. On her face sat a pair of the most humongous glasses Anko had ever heard of. Not only did they reach into her hair line, but they also covered most of her softly red cheeks as well. The girl's most defining features had to be her dress. Instead of ninja gear or clothing the young kunoichi wore frilly gothic Lolita clothing. She also had on a pair of platform boots synched up with red laces all the way to her knees. However, what drew Anko's eye was not any of the previous. What drew the eye of the elder torturer was the girl's amazing rack. Easily the largest in the room.

Anko looked from her own bust to the girls and sighed heavily. "_I swear there's something the water of this village. I didn't get as much as a mosquito bite before fourteen then BAM! I'm wearing a reinforced sports bra to walk down the street,"_ she mused remembering her first foray into the fabled Victoria's Secret Weapon.

The elder of the two women, bored and a little horny from earlier, crouched down, going as agonizingly slow as the movement of the line and reached toward the girl. As soon as the stray hairs from her pony tails could start tickling her nose Anko burst into action. Her arms sipped around the girl, dislocating her elbows and wrists for good measure, to hug her tightly under the large jugs and simultaneously grope them. Anko lifted her and laughed loudly as she yelled and tried to wiggle free of the molester's grasp.

"EEEEEK! ANKO-SEMPAI!" she screamed.

"ARRIVING!" Anko called back as she squeezed and almost juggled the poor girl's breasts.

At the sound the disturbance the entire line turned and regarded them before a collective sigh went through the assembled torturers. While it was too early for this sort of bull crap they couldn't do much. Just Anko being Anko. Besides, a show was a show.

"Please stop that!" Jigarahi Moto whimpered as Anko finally let go. With tears in her eyes she whirled and waved her arms up and down in anger, "Why do you always do that!" she moaned. "You know I'm very sensitive about them!"

Anko, with her hands in her pockets and satisfied grin on her face replied, "Because you're my role model! Tell me what you eat to get em that big! If I had jugs like yours I could get Naruto to do anything! Think about! No more pranks!" she said cheerily.

As Moto was about to say something she stopped and looked upwards and to the left, ticking her head. "Ah…Anko-sempai. Hifumi-neechan wants to talk to you," she said poking intertwining her fingers. The blush on her face faded somewhat.

"_Oh hell…_" Anko grunted mentally. With a second, audible grunt she nodded, "Fine." Reaching down Anko charged chakra into her fingers and took hold of Moto's glasses. The lenses flashed red and Anko pulled them off.

Moto's red hair suddenly whirled up, folding in on itself until it went from the length of her buttocks to her shoulders. Crimson shifted and faded into a rich auburn before the hair twisted into an amazingly long battle braid. It snaked around her body and tied itself into a knot in her lower back. Her arms and legs stretched along with her upper body until she was Anko's height. Once bright green eyes now shifted to a murky black as they glared out from under sharp, angry eyebrows. Her face went from the young, round face of Moto to sleek feline features with an upturned nose. Anko watched, always interested, as muscles in Moto's abdomen flexed sucking in her bust until she was barely half her normal size.

Before the dress, without its normal support, could sag showing what this new form had to offer it disappeared in a burst of smoke and was replaced by a set of jounin sweats and a heavily altered torturer's special vest. She cracked her neck, stretched her arms and flicked a kunai towards a guard. The blade buried itself, ring deep, in the wall next to his head. The young man shook terribly before slipping two feet out of the way.

"Fuck! Good to be out! HEY! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU GUYS TO READ? HIFUMI-SAMA NEEDS TO MEET HER SUBJECTS!" the new woman bellowed at the line. The Chunin assistant at the head started and quickly wrote down his assignment before scampering off.

"Could you explain why you want to talk to me first?" Anko asked spinning the glasses around in her hand.

Hifumi grunted and snatched them before tucking them into her cleavage. "Oh yeah. _You_." She stood toe to toe with Anko, which caused a comingling of the two women's busts. Even the stoic ANBU guards had to admit seeing Hifumi-sama (don't even think of leaving that off) and Anko-sempai's chests pressed together was an enjoyable sight. Of course they weren't stupid enough to think the show was free. If these two didn't want to kill each other every male ogling them would need Tsunade herself to fix what the two combat monsters could do to them.

"I gotta bone to pick," she said poking Anko's big left tit. "What's this I been hearin' about you knocking Jin's boots 'til the cows come home?"

Anko wondered who _didn't_ know she all but raped Jin. "Yeah. I needed some sex. Is it so wrong?"

"EY!" Hifumi snapped her fingers, "I ain't sayin' it's bad to go and get laid. I'm sayin' when ya got someone to look after ya should be lookin' after em! Naruto deserves better than that an' you know it!"

Normally if anyone, Sandaime included, had made comments on how Anko raised Naruto with such vagrant disrespect, she would have turned their face into jelly, but Moto and Hifumi were special. Beyond the odd happenstance of two people in one body Moto, who is the original, was neglected by her mother, which eventually led the poor girl to wander for days without food and water to Konoha where she was taken in as a ward of the village. Of course when her split personality was revealed, she was moved to the mental ward of the hospital where she spent much of her time until Ibiki sought fit to induct her into her torture squad.

Needless to say, when Hifumi got angry at you for being a bad parent, you were being a bad parent.

Anko closed her eyes, but refused to sigh or let her shoulders drop, "Sometimes, leaving the kid to his own devices is better. Motivates him."

Hifumi's black eyes flashed murder, she dug her finger harder into Anko's chest, the nail biting just enough to make her bleed, "Don't. Ever. Say. That. To me. Again." She leaned in and grabbed Anko's head. Not afraid, as Anko could break both of Hifumi's hands before she knew she had them, Anko blinked and let Hifumi lean in and whisper something in her ear.

Now it was Anko's time to glare down her junior. With a dissatisfied grunt Hifumi pushed away from Anko and shoved past those in front of her, memorized her assignments and headed for the prep stations where she could get her tools.

Anko fingered the poisoned needles in her pockets.

_Don't forget. I'm not the only one with my eyes on your little _family_. You ain't got that many chances left switch hitter. Don't strike out Anko-chan._

**xxXxx**

Hatake Kakashi was not a man to be easily surprised. He had, after all, once seen his closest 'friend' lift a small mountain over his head and throw it at an enemy ninja while proclaiming he could do it because he let his inner youth shine through. However, despite Gai's ability to confound and amaze Kakashi with his random acts of stupid strength, Kakashi was not prepared for what he saw as he made his way to training ground eleven.

His pink haired student was tied to a tree.

She was tied in such a way that if she was any younger than she was it would be highly illegal for Kakashi to be looking at her. Her arms were pulled up and her legs were spread eagled with her ankles pulled around the curve of the large tree. The bindings on her body fed into other ropes that secured her further. Every time she tried to get free a length Naruto cleverly tied to her waist would synch up in just a way that it dug into her pelvis, in very _private area_. What surprised Kakashi the most was instead of the proverbial ball Sakura was given a ring-gag.

"_Is that what I gave Anko last Christmas? I knew she was a re-gifter,_" Kakashi thought absently. He was mildly annoyed such a thoughtful gift was so carelessly given away. Of course it could be that was an older one Anko had passed down to Naruto.

Both were prospects Kakashi decided to not think about.

Naruto, wearing a domino mask, was laughing maniacally while holding what Kakashi can only describe as the most intimidating vegetable he has ever seen. He also cracked a smaller length of rope like a whip while proclaiming how Sakura should obey 'Her true master. Mitarashi-Uzumaki Naruto-sama.'

Sasuke, he noted with a bit of relief, was merely standing at attention with a bored and slightly pissed look on his face.

"Good morning everyone," he called drawing the attention of both blonde and pink. She screamed and wiggled trying to get him to help. The length of ingenious rope bit a bit harder into her crotch. Her face turned beet red and she stilled.

Coughing into his hand, "Normally I would explain why I'm late, but first I have to ask for the BDSM sideshow to end. Sorry if it cuts off that cucumber's fun," he said pointing at the offending gourd.

Sakura's eyes showed a reverence and happiness at being saved that could only be seen on the face of a cancer or transplant patient looking into the face of the surgeons and physicians that healed them. Unfortunately for her, Kakashi didn't take the Hippocratic Oath.

"You look fine Sakura I'll get you down after I explain the exercise," she roared and wiggled angrily in her bonds. "Think of it as rope escape training. All good ninja are escape artists," he explained.

Naruto flashed a vulpine grin to his prisoner, "I already told her all she has to do is apologize and admit she likes the feeling of being tied up! Come on Sakura-chan! Say you're sorry!"

He reached up and took off the gag. She whimpered and turned her head from him. "Don't be like that. Come on, come on," he said as he tickled her chin. With a swift and expert shift in her head's angle she bit his finger.

He pulled away and yelled as Sakura spit his blood to the side, "Naruto! You bloody pervert let me go! I'll tell my father about this!" she screamed. "He'll be really pissed and kick your pervy little ass!"

"_Yeah the king of Konohagakure's underground is gonna be pissed alright. He'll be pissed his only child is a submissive,"_ Naruto thought remembering his first run in with the deceptively meek Haruno Daisuke. To look him in his emerald green eyes was to invite allowing every secret you had to be known.

It didn't help Naruto did once see the man break a piece of granite with his bare hands.

"Naruto let her down, we can't have her sitting up there getting hot and bothered," Kakashi ordered making a dismissive gesture.

Grumbling the demon container drew a kunai and cut Sakura free. She promptly went to clobber him but he merely grinned and held up the ring gag. "I did it once already…" he reminded her.

Stopping in mid swing Sakura growled and stomped back toward the other members of her team. He skipped behind her and stood on the opposite side of Sasuke, to further avoid her ire. Kakashi, happy to not be the only one holding things up smiled.

"Good. Now I doubt I need to explain how important this test is. If you fail you'll go back to being cadets for another term, or longer. If you pass you officially become ninja, as well as adults of Konohagakure no Sato. Now, the test." He reached into a pocket and drew out two bells. "The object of this test is to capture an objective. These are the objectives." He tied them to his belt. "If you fail to get a bell before the two hours are up, you fail to become a ninja."

Sakura raised her hand. "But sensei, there are only two bells."

Kakashi's eye lost its charming gleam, "Exactly."

"So one of us will fail no matter what," Sasuke explained.

"Sad to say. This is a cut throat business. Everything from the day you sign your name on the academy entrance sheet to this test is designed to expunge the weak and inefficient from the ranks of our force. If you can't measure up you'll only be a danger on missions. Do you understand?" he explained.

All three nodded.

"Good. Now any more questions before we begin?" he asked.

Naruto stepped forward, a grin on his face, "We can use anything?" he asked.

Kakashi cracked his neck and stepped forward as well, "Anything. In fact it would be easier for me if you used lethal force."

"Good. Ready when you are boss."

Kakashi held up his hand, his fingers splayed. "Five. Four," he drew in his fingers one by one, "Three. Two. One. GO!"

Sasuke and Sakura exploded in different directions and hid expertly. Naruto however stayed where he was.

"_What is that fool doing?"_ Sasuke snarled. "_He can't be expecting to win like that._"

"_God,"_ Sakura hissed, "_What a moron. I'll have to find a way to get a bell so he fails._" A slight moistness between her legs made her turn red. "_Damn you Naruto…damn you…_"

"Enjoying my company Naruto?" Kakashi asked, his eye crinkling in a smile.

"Yeah…something like that…" Naruto said drawing out the words.

Kakashi whirled down and to the left as Naruto's first clone whirled the second, which had transformed into a massive throwing star. The original followed his sensei's movement and flung a kunai, specially treated to be heavier than normal.

Kakashi, as he expected, went to block the attack with his own blade, only to have Naruto's kunai cut into it and send disrupting force against his momentum. Using his inertia Kakashi righted himself and inspected his now ruined knife. With a shrug he tossed the intermingled weapons over his shoulder and dispelled a sneaking shadow clone.

Naruto cursed.

Using that much chakra and an expensive weapon had resulted in the two of them moving five feet. To the left. "_Fuck me."_

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. "So. Is that all?"

"Nowhere close teach!" Naruto flared his trench coat launching two large handfuls of smoke bombs.

Blinking the copy-nin sighed and shook his head, until he heard a sizzling sound that did not belong. Mixed among the diversionary bombs were explosive tags.

Lots of explosive tags.

"I guess it wasn't all…"

**xxXxx**

Mitarashi-Uzumaki Naruto is known for and as many things. To the TAI squadron under Ibiki he is their unofficial mascot, little brother, and tattoo design provider. To the girls of his graduating class he is a pervert and a letch and a generally horrible and/or annoying person to be around. To the Hokage he is an example of what happens when someone fights against their circumstances.

To Konohagakure no Sato villagers as a whole he is 'The Kid who keeps blowing shit up.'

At the tender age of five Naruto found a discard ninja training manual and began to read the only section not ruined by rain, spilled beer, and dog saliva. While his skill with reading was subpar and the techniques were far beyond his young mind he eventually learned to utilize the most basis of skills to dangerous and powerful effects.

For a prankster boy who could manifest the chakra of a terrible unstoppable immortal killing machine slash living tornado of doom being able to make the average stink pellet into a terrifying glimpse into a dead whale's gastro intestinal tract was a god send.

And so, at the tender age of six Uzumaki, at the time, Naruto mastered the creation of exploding tags and bomb making.

The only thing he did not learn from the manual, as no copies of that particular one exist in the Hidden Leaf any longer, was a single word that has ever been missing from the Mitarashi clan's antics.

Restraint.

**xxXxx**

Sasuke and Sakura watched, horror struck, as the singed and charred corpse of their sensei was blown backward like a shuriken that had been thrown through a pork skewer. With several very nasty looking bounces the piece of meat that had once been Hatake Kakashi rolled to a stop at the base of a tree. The rancid stench of cooked flesh grew hot and heavy in the immediate area of the body's landing place.

"_Shit! I wasted so many on that attack,"_ Naruto grimaced as he hid underwater. The special re-breather he wore indicated how much air was left. _"If I pop my head out now to get a bead on him he'll beat my ass for singing his hair I bet!"_ Naruto thought about sighing, but thankfully he remembered opening his mouth wide under water was a bad idea. "_This sucks. First I get paired with Konoha's-Most-Wanted that isn't really wanted. Not to mention…_Sakura…_" _Not even Naruto caught the slight venom in his own voice, "_But now I have sergeant fuckwad for a sensei. Yay me._"

A second explosion rocked the area. Naruto looked around quickly for any sign of Kakashi's counter attack but all he saw was a slightly smoking form flying backward to land in the water ten yards behind him. Blinking Naruto watched as Sasuke drew his own rebreather from his kunai holster and put it on.

The Uchiha's eyes widened when he saw Naruto. The Blonde container squinted and waved.

Sasuke, weakly, waved back.

**xxXxx**

Sakura dashed between an outcropping of trees and her new hiding place. She kept her chakra as low as possible, which for her mean that no one could sense her at all, and slid into a small bush. "_What am I going to do. Not even Sasuke-kun was able to get a bell yet._"

Watching Sasuke suddenly explode from the tree line to attack a boulder had confused the pink haired cadet, until the boulder sprouted arms and began to fight back. Kakashi's dirt shield, made to both defend himself from the blast and to hide from a follow up assault withered and crumbled with each movement he used to counter the boy's attacks. While Sasuke's taijutsu skills were lacking, when he kicked a small rock, revealing a smaller red button Kakashi dodged back, immediately assuming a trap. Instead when Sasuke's foot came down on it a long ornately hilted katana sprung up from a slot in the ground.

He drew the weapon slowly and slid into a swords stance.

Kakashi whistled and slipped a kunai from his holster. "Impressive blade. I always wondered what happened to the clan's weaponry stockpiles after Itachi blew through there."

The mention of the unmentionable name to Sasuke sent the cadet screaming forward. His speed seemingly increased with the blade in hand. Kakashi parried and dodged the first one-two combo, but as Sasuke's strikes grew in speed and intensity the Jounin found one or two nicks forming on his gear.

With an amused smirk Kakashi whirled in place, spinning his kunai in hand. He deflected Sasuke's final attack and grabbed the boy's collar. "By the way Sasuke…I _hate_ the smell of cats."

Tossing Sasuke over his head Kakashi threw the kunai ahead of his student to trigger one of Sasuke's previously hidden traps.

If Sakura had the ability to read minds she would have read in Sasuke's quote: 'Oh shit.'

She gulped as a second explosion had sent the young prodigy flying into the lake. She director her attention to Kakashi who was sitting on the remnants of his boulder disguise. He casually flipped through an orange book giggling to himself absently like a loon.

"_I can't defeat sensei or get close enough for a bell on my own. I'll need help. But…_" again she felt a rough heat between her legs. Snarling her eyes closed and she focused. Naruto and Sasuke were close, I the stream to be exact. Slowly Haruno Sakura's sea green eyes opened. She locked onto Naruto's position and calmly began to stroll out of the forest.

Kakashi looked up from his book minutely as he watched the young woman stand between him and the stream, her back to him. The jounin raised his eyebrow in confusion as she cracked her neck. "Sensei."

"Yes Sakura?" he asked, using his thumb as a book mark.

"What would happen if say, a cadet is injured too badly to finish your test?" she asked.

Kakashi's eye flashed a tiny bit of something, but she didn't see it anyway so he didn't care, "No matter what, you must get a bell."

Sakura cracked her knuckles and then slammed her fists together. "Yes Sensei," she answered coldly.

"_Uh oh…"_ Kakashi said as he suddenly noticed a pink choker around Sakura's throat.

**xxXxx**

At the Konoha General Hospital Haruno Sakaki made her normal rounds, a skip in her step. The nurses, who didn't like the arrogant woman normally, dodged out of her way as she went into see patient after patient. Kuroudo Akabane one of the older doctors, a medic nin who had defected from his far away island nation stopped her to chat.

"Why Sakaki-chan you seem absolutely radiant today," the man said as he checked his clipboard. He had a soft smile on his face, his eyes closed in a squint.

Giggling like a school girl Sakaki wiggled her hips, "Oh I can't help it Kuroudo!" the squeal made even Kuroudo's smile falter. "My husband is coming back from his trip today!" she explained.

"Ah yes. Daisuke-kun. It will be good to see him again; the children in the intensive care ward have missed him dearly." The two doctors made their way toward the commissary to get some lunch. "By the way what was the reason for the trip?"

Sakaki made a thinking face, "He had to visit one of his relatives. An older woman is experiencing trouble with her body."

Kuroudo's smile widened, "Ah yes the fabled: ura-kekkai genkai. A bloodline limit that is not a blood line limit. I believe it is similar to the now deceased Uzumaki clan's vitality yes?"

She nodded, "Sort of. Bear in mind the explanation I'm giving you is based on what Daisuke has told me not my own actually study," Kuroudo nodded as they got their food and sat down. "The chakra pathways of a normal person run through them like blood vessels and arteries. Normally they flow along parallel to vital structures, empowering them by proxy the more chakra is used. However, the Haruno clan's chakra pathways are built _into_ their muscles, allowing for direct transfer of chakra into muscle mass and energy. "

"Ah I see. So in theory a Haruno family member with sufficient chakra capacity would be able to empower their voluntary muscles gaining incredible power," he said using his fork for emphasis while pointing at her.

The elder female Haruno nodded, "Yes. But it comes with a risk. The family has found half of the time its members cannot control the empowerment of muscles at all. In essence their chakra always is making their muscles more powerful. As you can guess having muscles that are far more powerful than normal tends to result in the tissue ripping or even coming off of the user's bones."

"Oh dear, does your daughter have that danger?" he asked, obviously concerned.

"She did," Sakaki explained, "Until I convinced Daisuke to get a seal specialist to create a choker that limits the chakra Sakura can use at any one time. The choker keeps her pathways from leaking chakra into her muscles. It also inhibits her physical ability somewhat, because her pathways don't actually influence her directly anymore, but in the long run it should give her a stronger than average body."

Akabane's eyes flashed a bit of something he usually kept hidden from his coworkers, "Well I hope she's eating properly. A ninja who is unable to fight using chakra needs a strong body and if she doesn't eat right there's a chance her body will break down for entirely different reasons."

Sakaki looked at her superior, and with not a hint of remorse, "Then she'll stop this 'ninja' nonsense and devote herself to a proper life."

**xxXxx**

Naruto, as the container of the Kyuubi, as well as in the company of Konoha's most notoriously violent people, was especially skilled at sensing killing intent. He knew it wasn't Kakashi, as the copy ninja wouldn't ever think about killing Naruto or Sasuke. Anko would castrate him and the council would heal him just to castrate what was left. It wasn't Sasuke, because he was right next to Naruto and looked more bored than murderous.

That left one person.

Growling deeply Naruto leapt out of the water and landed on all fours. As he stood straight he turned and spat out the rebreather to look at Haruno Sakura dead in the face. "Hey Sakura-chan."

"Hello Naruto," she replied.

"What's up?"

"I'm going to pass Naruto," she stated flatly as she stretched her arms and legs. Naruto's eyes slid over her body. "I need to team up with someone to defeat Kakashi. Or at least get a bell. The only way to do that is to make sure it's only two people trying, ne?"

Naruto didn't like where this was going, nor did he like how big Sakura's eyes seemed to have become. _"Wow. I don't know what's scarier, those eyes or the fact she looks sexy with murder in em._"

"I believe you know I could never hurt Sasuke-kun." She looked at him, her gaze and voice growing cold. "But you I can hurt. You I _will_ hurt. I will pass Naruto. I'm sorry you will not."

Naruto laughed. First it was a chuckle then it became a loud ferocious cackle. "YOU? HURT ME? Oh god that's funny." He pulled his hands from his pockets and crouched into a fighting stance.

"Good. I'd feel bad if I just beat the shit out of you without you fighting back." Sakura hooked a finger into her choker.

Naruto started, "Hey…Sakura. What are you doing."

"I. Will. Pass!"

Naruto roared, "This isn't funny Sakura! Stop it! You know as well as I do your dad wouldn't want us to fight like that!" She paid him no heed. "Hey! Sakura! SAKURA! HARUNO SAKURA IF YOU TAKE THAT OFF I WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH!"

The pink haired girl frowned and pulled the choker hard. It ripped at its center and slowly slid off of her skin. She grabbed her sides and grunted as her muscles seemed to warp and bend under her flesh. She gave a loud, and to Naruto's ears orgasmic cry, as her chakra exploded outward.

The dust that had billowed out from her release faded slowly. Naruto looked ahead grimly, still in his stance. Suddenly he leapt to the left and Kakashi watched, both amazed and horrified as a crater formed where Naruto had been. The oldest of the ninja watched, dumbfounded as Sakura pulled her arm from the center of the crater and prepared for a second strike, but it was not merely the power of the blow, but Sakura herself that drew much of Kakashi's amazement. The thin, almost anorexic girl was gone. Replacing her stick like limbs and flat washboard body was a set of leanly muscled, but still defined limbs connected to a body that would be more appropriate on a life-long gymnast.

"Okay," Kakashi relented, "That's new." "_Did she open a gate? No…this is something different…_"

Naruto, however, was far from amazed or pleased. His face showed the raw fury that was playing out in his mind. "_She took it off. Fuck! Does she want to kill me? A good solid punch from her without that choker could collapse my lungs!"_

_**Don't worry Kit. I'll protect you…**_Kyuubi cooed, her voice dripping an emotion Naruto could not place.

"_Not the time fox!"_

_Don't forget. If Pinky does try to kill you I'll step in. I refuse to die to someone like her._

"_Duly noted._" Naruto refocused on Sakura. Though he was pissed she was too focused on passing to see the _real_ reason for the test. Despite his rage that she had no qualms about wounded him to a mortal extent. And even though he hated the fact he may have to ask Kyuubi for help.

Mitarashi-Uzumaki Naruto was extremely aroused.

**xxXxx**

Sasuke slipped out of the water in Kakashi's blind spot. He kept low and moved swiftly over the ground like a snake. Keeping his team in his peripheral vision he made sure not to draw either's attention as he slithered to a better vantage point.

What he saw completely startled him.

Sakura was…well she looked stunning. The frailness had left her body and was replaced with powerful definition. But it was not just her body that made him take notice: her face. The somewhat submissive and naive girl was gone. The face that was looking at Naruto reminded Sasuke strongly of a certain purple haired interrogator. Blatant confidence combined with just a hint of amusement. He could also faintly smell something that made his nose burn and his blood boil.

"_The hell did Naruto do to make her pull this off?_" he asked himself absently. Remembering the blonde Sasuke studied him as well. To his horror the look in Naruto's eyes was not fear, or true anger. "_What the fuck? He's…He's getting turned on! Oh my god!"_ Sasuke's eyes, which had been scanning the young Uzumaki, caught sight of something he should not have. "_This has gotten way out of control…_"

**xxXxx**

Sakura charged. Her newly powerful muscles gave her amazing speed and strength, but her reaction time was nowhere near as conditioned as Naruto's. The shorter of the two dipped under her straight and delivered a strong upper cut to her gut. She grunted, only long enough for Naruto to feel his knuckles crack against her abs. Sakura's hands swept down and clapped hard against Naruto's temples.

Stunned from the collision he was not prepared as she twisted her hips slightly and high kicked his chin. Teeth cracked and flew from his jaw as he rose several feet into the air. "_It…it feels like my head is coming off._"

Sakura spun in place and delivered a brutal roundhouse kick to Naruto's side. His elbow was crunched between the unstoppable force of Sakura's leg and the immovable object of his ribs. Pain shot through his chest as one bone broke and scraped his lung. His elbow joint shattered. With the force exerted in those key locations he only hovered to the left a few inches before tumbling. Catching himself he sat on his knees panting.

"_Fuck. Me. Two hits and I'm having to divert chakra to heal. She's really trying to take me out."_ He looked up at her and saw the hate raging in her eyes. His blue orbs slipped down to look at Sakura's slightly pouty lips. "_Damn. I should not want to kiss her this bad."_

"_That's right,"_ something deep in Sakura whispered, "_Make him bow for everything he's done. All those looks. Every time one of those filthy paws have been on you. CRUSH HIM!"_

Naruto, sensing the killing intent flare leapt back. He swirled on the spot and charged chakra to his elbow, seeing as he needed both arms to fight back. Sakura let a long hiss of air escape from her mouth as she regained her lock on Naruto. The blonde couldn't help but smile. He absently felt a strong pulse echo in his loins.

"_If only if only,"_ he thought faintly. "_If only you'd let me in a bit Sakura. Oh well time to knock your ass out pinky._" Naruto clapped his hands together and began to sway his body left and right.

Sakura's eyes narrowed. She recognized the movements from when Hinata had used the technique that Naruto had taught her. Sakura slid into the only taijutsu stance she knew in preparation to charge in.

She exploded forward. Her arms were pulled back for a double palm strike to Naruto's chest. Her hope was to collapse it enough to make Naruto unable to fight. Her hope, not her aim. Without realizing it, Sakura was letting something guide her strikes. Something that saw Naruto as wholly unnatural and wanted him gone.

If only Haruno Sakura had thought beyond her own pain, the events Team 7 would come to find themselves in, in the future would turn out drastically different.

The demon container, eyes closed, continuing to sway let his senses slacken so he could focus on his hearing. Sakura's tensed and then released muscles gave off metallic sound not unlike rapid series of gun shots. Her double strike resounded in Naruto's head like a piece of rebar breaking. The groaning of Sakura moving told him when to wait, and like a serpent, when to strike.

_She's aiming to hit with the left first, hard on my chest to move me back a step._

_TWANG!_

_Her second hit will strike my heart with more power than the first._

_GROAN!_

Sakura planted her front leg to strike.

_NOW!_

Naruto whipped to the left avoiding her first attack perfectly. He grabbed the flying second arm by the wrist and pulled it with him. Sakura's power was nothing compared to the force Naruto wielded to whirl her.

_**MITARASHI SHUZOKU KYUUSHO JUTSU: HEBI HOUYOU**_ (Mitarashi Family Secret Technique: Serpentine Embrace)_**UWABAMI BOUSHI HAJI**_(Python Spinning Grip)

As Naruto pulled Sakura along with his momentum he swirled her up above his head and grabbed her arm with his other hand. Spinning her around like a ball and chain he planted his feet and tossed her as hard as he could into a cluster of trees.

Disoriented by the intensity of her spin Sakura's skull connected hard with the foremost of the trees. Naruto watched, somewhat horror struck as Sakura cracked through the first tree and then barreled into the next. She collapsed in a heap at the base.

Naruto slid back into his attack stance and dashed forward, charging chakra to his feet to launch himself high into the air as he neared the copse. Rolling himself into a ball he dove straight for her. Instead of doing a gravity charged kick to her spine, Naruto found himself cracked in the face by Sakura's super power left straight.

His nose fractured, his eye sockets broke and he felt momentary blindness before the Kyuubi's chakra surged into his head. For a scant second Naruto heard the sound of fabric tearing and realized it was Sakura's body.

"_Well…that sucks. I hate having a conscience._" He fell to his knees and rubbed his face as it healed, "Sakura…" he said through broken teeth. "Your body is-"

She kicked him in the chest hard enough to fling him into a tree. He blew through the branches to end up on the other side. "I know," she grunted as her left arm went numb. "_Fifteen minutes…maybe…_"

Kakashi and Sasuke both watched as Sakura stalked toward Naruto. She was cradling her arm faintly, and the elder of the two ninja saw she was favoring one leg. "_What is going on? Naruto doesn't seem to be doing any damage to her…_" Realization of what was happening to the young girl almost as soon as she reached the unconscious Naruto.

"Y'know Naruto? I don't really know why I hate you. But my father says it's bad for someone to repress their emotions."

Naruto looked up from the dirt, a faint grin on his face, "Is that true?" She nodded. "Then one last thing. I…I…" he coughed, "I feel your ass is gonna be the tightest in the village in about three years."

"GOODBYE UZUMAKI NARUTO!" she screamed.

_**HARUNO**__** SHUZOKU TAIJUTSU **_(Haruno Family Hand to Hand Technique) _**GEKIHA KAMI NO KEN**_ (Crushing Hand of God)!

She swooped up an arm and slammed her fist down hard on his back. The chakra she was emitting from her hand was so concentrated it almost wreathed her arm in a veil of energy. Sasuke and Kakashi shuddered as they saw Naruto's skull to be the target of the attack. The copy ninja stood, his eyes focused solely on Sakura, until he saw Naruto make a hand sign.

"_That…fool!"_ Kakashi thought with a smile.

Her hand plowed through Naruto's head. The crater formed by the attack was soon filled by blood brains and fragments of bone. As she felt his skull crack under her assault she felt something else break. Her eyes widened, encompassing her face at the horror of what she had just done. She just came. Fear shook her entire body as she looked at the now headless corpse of Naruto. Her right arm fell limply to her side, both from her terror at her own actions as well as her own damaging power.

"N…Naruto?" she asked. The rage lifted from her mind like a haze. Her muscles suddenly felt heavy, her body ached. The strength fled her as the last of her chakra dissipated. "Naruto?"

"RIGHT HERE BEAUTIFUL~!" he screamed as he grabbed her ankles from below ground. With a horror movie inspired laugh Naruto pulled Sakura into the dirt.

Naruto pulled Sakura under while pushing himself out of the ground. Laughing like a loon he slapped Sakura's neck and she blanched as she felt the familiar feeling of her choker, which had repaired itself somehow, back on.

"DAMMIT!" she screamed trying to wiggle free.

"Sorry Sakura-chan! You're too worn out from fighting me to break free!" He made the victory sign to Kakashi. "See that Cyclops? I mastered it not too long ago!"

A ringing sound split the air like a katana through rice paper. Naruto's face fell and he dropped his arm. "Please tell me that wasn't…"

Kakashi smiled, his head ticking to the left, "Yes. That was the alarm. You all fail."

* * *

A/N: Haruno family genes. I hate explaining jutsu I think up. I always do it in some drawn out screwy way that still confuses people. But this is basically to give Sakura a bit more character and to show her mother is an even worse wretch than you thought she was.

Also I hope some of you connect with how Sakura views Naruto now, wherein she _knows_ there's something bad inside Naruto (Kyuubi) and it scares her because she's not sure if Naruto can control it (he can't really). Oh and ya'll will like Sakura's daddy, I've made sure of that.

I'm also sorry for adding in a few of the TAI squadron to this chapter, Hifumi (she is based off of the awesome manga Change123) and Komugi (she's based off of a good friend of mine with _far_ less tattoos and piercings. I think she'd be hot with them but no on listens to me) were there to show Naruto has more people that care about him. Plus I wanted a reason to make some crazy characters and who would be crazy than ninja who torture other ninja for a living.

THat's all for now, excluding this omake:

MountainWind Blowing Away...

OMAKE: Komugi Always Gets What She Wants 1

Komugi: Please Naruto-kun! I need it!

Naruto: No Komugi! It isn't right!

Komugi: Who said something like this has to be right or wrong! Can't you see how much it means to me?

Naruto: But...Anko...

Komugi (Taking Naruto's hand): Who says she has to know? This could be our little secret!

Naruto (closing his eyes and gritting his teeth intently): You...if you loved me you wouldn't ask me this!

Komugi: If you loved me you'd do it! Please Naruto! I'll do anything!

Naruto: And what is anything?

Komugi (blushing and pouting): I'll let you have my copy of Smexy Mission Scrolls 4.

Naruto (eyes wide): No...The special Hd edition?

Komugi: With additional commentary from Hajiru Yoko about her favorite scenes...

Naruto (quietly): Damn you temptress...

Komugi (kisses Naruto on the cheek): I'll expect these two nin to talk by the end of the day! Bye Naruto-Kun!

Naruto (sighs as he washes hands and inspects torture devices): Man...all because she forgot to ask off for Half-price piercing day at Moshi's...

Mist-nin A: Are we gonna get tortured by you because she offered porn?

Naruto: yeah.

Mist Nin B: This is gonna be bad isn't it?

Naruto (holding up a device that is not phiscially possible to look out withot wincing): It's Yoko-sama's first anal scene.

Both: We understand. Do what you must.

-Mountainwind: godDAMN I even made the Omake long!


	8. When in Doubt, Commit Violence

**A/N:** Hello all. This chapter was rolled out pretty slowly for my tastes, especially with my self imposed deadlines. But I'll chock it up to being lazy and move on. I also have sent this chapter to a few betas, I'll only probably use one of them but they seem like swell fellas so we'll see.

REVIEW TIME~!:

Psudocode Samurai: I described the signature, it's at the end of Komugi's intro chapter. It's the Uzumaki flame swirl with the Kanji for 'Uzumaki, Mitarashi, Naruto, and Kitsune' framing it.

Starfire99: Sorry to say, that's a majority of the better writers you just knocked outta the park. But I'll apologize for the fuck you, that was a bit heavy handed, the rest still stands.

Juopunumies: Damn...your...name! But yes...my bad. Hence the new beta

MobMentality: No, Sakura's chakra control is _near_ perfect because she doesn't have to focus her chakra to her muscles, it's already there. However her skill with ninjutsu is lacking because while she can hit you like a truck on crack, making a mess of bunshin tires her due to her small reserves. And no, Komugi is based off my friend, who has far less peircings.

Reishin Amara: I know...a few sites you should browse. With a powerful virus filter of course.

Ultimagu: Well...it _is_ about crazy people. But in all seriousness I'll work on that, thank you.

Michael The-Zorch Haney: You and Juopunumies tie for most aggravating name to re-type. But I doubt I'll pass innortal with this, you should read Entwined Tails.

Brother Bludgeon: The Third allowed Anko to take care of Naruto because he suspected the orphanage of neglecting him and was surprised that Anko went out of her way to protect and keep Naruto when she was about to run off. Thier plan includes having Ibiki, Inoishi, and Daisuke give Naruto routine check ups yearly to see how his mental stability it. Anko 'strikes out' when Ibiki believes she has broken Naruto and his reaction will be nothing compared to how the other members of their squadron will react.

Visigoth: Yes. Yes he is. And he likes bird watching.

Darksyde: Yeesh. Calm down dude. Do you really think Sakura, with the bare minimum, of Taijutsu skill could really not be stopped by Kakashi? He didn't do anything because he noticed Naruto had already performed a mud clone and replaced himself. And you definently missed a good deal of Sakura's reasoning: She wanted to kill naruto because while in her rage she saw him as something wholly unnatural, sub text...sub text...

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke, if you can believe it, rarely all agreed on the same thing. While their opinions may have been similar it was always skewed to the direction of each young person's oddness. Naruto always sided with the smarter (or bustier) female in the room. Sasuke never really cared either way and was usually quick to remind people he didn't want to be involved. Sakura, despite her stubborn nature, was actually quite timid and wishy washy when it came time to make up an actual final decision.

But today, of all days, the cadet team members of Team 7 all agreed that being tied to logs sucked.

The current master of sucking (i.e. the man who tied them to the logs in the first place) was currently sitting on a rather large log felled by Naruto's explosive tags while reading his trademark book. "You three can glare at me all you want, but that won't change the outcome," Kakashi explained as he flipped another page in his book. "I said get a bell before the alarm, or no ninja for you three. No one had a bell before the alarm, during the alarm, or after the alarm." He closed his book between his hands, "And so no ninja missions will be completed by you three failures any time soon."

Three equally large veins appeared in three equally pissed faces.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!" Naruto roared. "Give us another chance! I'll get one of those bells in no time!"

"I can get one too Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura was quick to throw in.

"Sakura dear," Naruto asked drawing her attention, "Would that be when hell freezes over or WHEN YOU AREN'T TRYING TO KILL ME!" Naruto screamed.

"SHUT UP! YOU DESERVE WORSE YOU LITTLE FREAK!" Sakura yelled back.

"FREAK! SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BUG BITES!"

Sakura screeched like a cat when her bust came into play, "MAYBE I WOULD IF YOU CAME UP HIGHER THAN MY CHIN, MIDGET!"

Naruto made a yipping snarl in response to the hit to his stature. When you made fun of Naruto's height the gloves were _off_.

"FOREHEAD!"

"VULPINE FAGGOT!"

"PERVERT!"

"MUSCLE FREAK!"

"SHOTACON BAIT!"

"LIMIT BREAK BITCH!"

"BLONDE COCK RING!"

"STRAWBERRY WHORE!"

"TRANSGENDER WANNA BE!"

"ANOREXIA'S POSTER CHILD!"

The tirade continued for a good few minutes before their throats gave out, much to the relief of Kakashi. He had ONCE read _The Fifty Worst Things to Say to a Drunk Mist Kunoichi On Her Period, And the Subsequent Search for My Penis_ and none of those insults had made him even blush. The things that degenerated from Naruto and Sakura not only were especially peculiar but also quite raunchy. He watched, somewhat dumbfounded as the two tried to kick each other despite both having legs too short to reach after they found words were now unable to be used.

Sasuke merely hung his head mumbling about misplaced traps and explosive happy cats. "If Naruto stays out of our way Sasuke-kun and I can definitely get those bells Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura said returning her attention to her teacher, who was amazed she was able to still speak.

"Out of _your_ way?" Naruto asked wriggling fiercely. "Maybe someone should inform Haruno-san how MURDER can get in everyone's way. Oh wait I'm sorry it doesn't get in _everyone's_ way…JUST THE GUY WHOSE HEAD WAS GONNA GET CRUSHED! HOW ABOUT YOU THINK OF THAT INSTEAD OF TEAMING UP WITH SASUKE-KUN!" He bellowed, mocking her tone.

Sakura winced as if struck hard and stopped fidgeting.

"There's an idea…" Kakashi sighed as he set his book down.

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked, raising his head, as he highly doubted Kakashi was going to crush Naruto's head, no matter how much merit Sasuke put into the idea.

The copy ninja stood and cracked his neck. He put his hand to the sore muscles and began to message them, looking at them with a deadpan gleam he asked simply, "Why are ninja deployed in four-man teams?"

Silence pervaded over the three cadets as slowly, slowly, they began to realize what the answer meant. Naruto hissed and slumped down, the only thing keeping his ass from the dirt pack was the ropes. "So they can complete the objective…by working as a team…"

Sakura and Sasuke looked from him to Kakashi, who was now once more sitting and reading, "Correct."

"But how can we work together if to get the bells when one is going to fail?" Sasuke threw back.

Naruto moved a single blue eye to regard the Uchiha, "Don't you get it? That was the point. Working as a team would mean one of us would have to take one _for_ the team. The 'survival' test was a ruse to make us ignore the core part of the test. If we had bothered to look into it we would have realized that he didn't tell us _how_ we would be tested to be good ninja. All three of us already excel in one aspect or another." Naruto ticked off his fingers, "An Uchiha who has a high range of physical skills. The girl with the highest mental scores and a superb I.Q. And finally a guy with a wide range of ninjutsu.

"To put it simply: If we had taken our heads out of our asses…we would've realized together we're a match for a Jounin who can't fight us with his full strength." "_I already knew that dammit…if not for a certain pinky haired fan girl…"_

Kakashi smiled, hidden by the book, "Correct Naruto. So do you three understand?" They nodded, "Good. Now since I made these Bento myself, and Sandaime-sama will kill me if I fail my fifty-third team in a row I'm going to give you a second chance." He took out the bento and drew a kunai. Freeing them he took the stack and balanced it on his hand. "Don't speak to or help each other. Everyone gets a bento, except Sakura."

"What!" The girl asked, aghast. Her stomach protested strongly.

"You tried to kill Naruto. I actually should take that headband off of you now and take you to the Hokage. But I think there's more going here than you two will admit," The words of their teacher sparked a heated and silent argument in the two, which Sasuke took note of. "Despite that and the fact you three were as sharp as those logs before I told you what you needed to do I'm giving you only _one _more chance," He emphasized it by holding up a finger before handing Sasuke and Naruto their lunches. "Now don't talk to each other or help each other. I'll see how well you work as a team on the fly. If you don't impress me, you fail."

With the final order Kakashi turned on his heal and walked off, orange book and all.

The three cadets stood and watched him leave, Naruto rubbing his ribs, Sasuke holding the box and looking at it disdainfully, Sakura favoring her good leg and holding one arm tight to her body to hide the fact it was limp. Absently her stomach grumbled.

"_I'm hungry_," she thought suppressing a hiccup.

**xxXxx**

Anko moved silently through the darker parts of the T.a.I headquarters. Her chocolate brown eyes meeting every subordinate or co-worker just above her usual 'It's a good day to go to work' smirk. A few waved, these were younger less experienced members of the guardsmen squadron, but most just kept to their work ignoring the crazy jounin. When Ibiki once saw a few of his 'personally selected, skilled warriors of justice' were not standing straight and staring ahead like statues he had introduced a few of them Gai and told his friend they lacked proper youth.

Ibiki, being very good at his job, had never been more satisfied than when he learned of that particular torture. Remembering the event, she couldn't help but chuckle to herself as she made her way to the first victim of the day.

She had been issued orders to make him talk at _all_ costs. But she wasn't allowed to kill him. Giggling almost giddily she drew out the key in her order envelope. As she tried to put it in she found it was the wrong one. Frowning she moved to the second and eventually third keys, none of them opened the cell's door.

"The hell?" she asked, annoyed.

A voice, deep and strained, made her scream in surprise, "You're not the primary on this one Anko."

She whirled, ready to deal her deadly snaky wrath upon any man fool enough to try and sneak up on her, when she saw it was the second in command of their squadron. Tosshin Gakae. The extremely tall jounin was wriggling his pinky in one ear. He pulled it out and shook off a bit of wax.

"Thanks. My ears were a little clogged," his deadpan voice matched perfectly with the eagle ANBU mask he wore. Just beyond its edges she could see the signs of the horrible burns that left him blind and disfigured.

Born with preternaturally good hearing Gakae had, in a vain attempt to aid his fellow man, tried to stop Itachi during his rampage. The young ANBU captain had casually blasted him in the face with a super heated jutsu, the burns caused by the attack still give off heat. Gakae often tells of how the young man calmly apologized, as if he had bumped into Gakae while walking, before slashing him across the eyes and paralyzed him with a terrifying genjutsu before walking off to finish his work.

This lone individual had always, in very simple words, creeped Anko out for several reasons.

One, Gakae was unnaturally quiet. When he moved the wind seemed to move through him causing even the beat of his heart to fade into nothing more than a ghost sound, overshadowed by the white noise of existence.

Two, he was abnormally tall for someone from Konoha at nearly six and half feet tall, more than a foot taller than Anko. The purple haired Jounin did not like people taller than her, due to the fact _he_ had always towered over her before his defection.

Three, being a member of ANBU since he was ten Gakae had no sense of humor. When he did say something funny it was deadpan, cold, and almost always masking a threat to the person he was talking to. Anko, who liked a bit of levity in the work place, came to learn when Gakae was laughing at something you said it wasn't because what you said was funny, it was because what you said filled him with a barely contained homicidal rage and he was picturing your face as he murdered you.

And finally: Tosshin Gakae _could_ murder her, quite effectively, with a simple flick of his wrist if he so chose. Anko witnessed such a feat when a prisoner claimed Gakae's mother was a good friend of his. The effect of Gakae's blow to the man's head Anko can only liken to a melon being hit by a train that was thrown by God after being super heated and covered in explosive tags.

And then set on _fire_.

Despite this, Anko had her reputation to consider, "And why not? Why are both of us even working on the same guy? Is he some super bad ass?" keeping her catty 'I'm too good to be talking to you' tone.

Gakae shrugged and drew the key from his own envelope, "I do not know. What I do know is that as long as I am in charge of this one you shall obey without question. Understand Anko?" he asked raising a finger to his mask's beak as if he was shushing a child.

"Yeah, yeah sure let's get to work…" she huffed.

He stopped her after he raised a hand, "Anko, actually before we go in I have something important I need to say."

Anko growled deep in her throat and jabbed a finger into her superior's chest, "HEY! If this is some more bullshit about how I raise and live with Naruto I don't want to hear it pigeon face!" she hissed, "I've taken more than my fair share of knocks by raising that kid and he's turned out better than most. I've also had to deal with you four freaky mother fuckers hounding me every step of the way. I'm sorry I can't be perfect like fuckin' Haruno Sakaki and make my kid into some anorexic twig, but I did keep Naruto from turning into some loud mouth idiot!

"He may be a bit pervy but look at his role models! If Ibiki has a lifetime subscription to Ninja Man's Monthly for the articles then I have a two foot snake hidden in my cunt that doubles as a strap on! Nevermind the Icha Icha Otaku king, Kakashi!"

She had turned from him, throwing her hands in the air. She now whirled and once again began to poke his sternum, "So let me say this once and once only! I care about Naruto more than anyone else in this fuckin village! And he cares about me! So if I'm doing something bad ask him and if he says I am I'll be the first one to start packing his bags and find him a better home! But until he says I'm a shitty mother my home is his home!"

If Gakae had the ability, he would have blinked, "Those are all fine points…but I was going to inform you the chakra clips you use to keep your nipples covered have deactivated. Please rectify that before we begin I do not need the subject being distracted from my work on him."

Anko looked down and saw, indeed, her nipples were on full display. The pale pink nubs sticking out of her mesh shirt seemed to mock her. "Dammit girls," Anko lamented with a sigh. Turning from Gakae, suddenly modest, Anko corrected the failure in her clothing.

The old ninja smiled knowingly behind his mask and opened the door. Two other ANBU were flanking the inside, just beside the door's edge, their eyes trained on the prisoner, who was drugged. Anko felt something squirm around her guts happily, even after being embarrassed in front of Gakae. She didn't like how sadistic she could be sometimes, but then again she also strongly believed when someone takes all of your power away the only way to get it back is to enforce your superiority on others.

And _he_ had taken quite a bit from her.

Anko didn't notice when the seal began to warp and wiggle in time with her movements.

Slipping into the darkened room Gakae checked the man. Anko studied her prey slowly, walking around his unconscious form. He was solidly built, with several cheaply done tattoos on his body and neck. His headband, one she had never seen before, sat on a table next to Gakae's preferred methods of interrogation. Several syringes full of god knows what. Next to them were a few items Anko herself preferred. In particular the 'Doldrums Catcher' was her favorite.

Before I bore you all with the extremely long winded history of this terrible device let me simplify its function and design so the process may be expedited. It was a pair of scissors specially designed to make some go from being a vibrant and active member of their sexual community into someone who needs stitches to close holes they weren't born with. It also featured a special basin (hence: catcher) to make sure no unwanted fluids are spilled onto the floor or the torturer's work area.

Gakae motioned for Anko to stay out of the man's line of sight before he raised the man's head with one finger. Raising his free hand he began to slap the man awake.

Sputtering and cursing at the stinging blows the ninja grunted his greetings to the new comers, "Fuck…more leaf…"

"Yes," Gakae replied. "This can be simple and painless. Or it can be complicated and ear splitting. Tell me why you and your team were in the restricted trade lanes of our village."

The man eyed the other two ANBU. Anko slithered just out of his peripheral range silently, keeping her chakra repressed. "We were camping. Got a little vacation time saved up and decided to go abroad."

"Vacation time, that is interesting…" Gakae nodded, "Then where is your passport for the Land of Fire?"

"Obviously I lost it when my bags were stolen in Shibuya. You know that city," he answered shrugging.

"Hmm. Yes. Now answer me this and we may let you go…" Gakae leaned in and made sure the man's eyes were locked with the dead glass beads of his mask, "How stupid do you believe me to be?"

The sudden and dangerous change in tone made him gulp, "Hey…listen…we weren't trying to do anything. Just stopping before we headed back from a mission!"

Gakae held out his left hand. The appendage had also been burned terrible by Itachi's attack, and when he had been slashed Itachi had claimed Gakae's middle and ring fingers giving it an eerie shape as he had replaced the missing digits with kunai blades. "Proof. If you do not mind."

"You're asking me to prove I did some shinobi shit in another country? I don't think you're stupid, but that was a dumb question," he retorted.

Anko smirked and held back a chuckle. While the goon had a point she could tell he was pissing Gakae off by the way his swept back grey hair started ticking at their roots. Every member of the T.a.I squadron had mastered what Anko has dubbed 'Tick Transfer' which moves noticeable indicators of stress to other parts of the body by sheer force of will. Anko used muscle spasms in her thighs. Ibiki made the left most muscle under his right ear jump every fourteen and five/thirds seconds. Moto's back would get goose bumps, while Hifumi's nipples would harden. Finally Komugi, who had yet to decide on a final place for her tell, made her navel piercing slide in and out of its hole.

But beyond that: Gakae was pissed. And that meant only one thing.

The lanky jounin rose to his full height. He put one hand to his mask and tapped the porcelain beak with his replacement 'fingers.' After a few moments of personal contemplation he snatched a syringe from the table. The needle was especially thin, so thin in fact when he tested to see if the path was clear the liquid appeared to come a few centimeters from the tip.

"This is a special poison. Made from an indigenous snake to this village. It will cause momentary paralysis and nerve sensitivity. The paralysis lasts only a few seconds. It is defensive in nature after all. The nerve sensitivity, however, will last. Afterward, while it is in effect, I will jab a needle into one pressure point a minute until you tell me what I want to know."

Anko grinned even more, he was _really_ pissed.

Despite the turn of events the man started to laugh. He was actually not only laughing but shaking and stomping his feet, rocking his chair back and forth as if Gakae was some hack comedian.

"OH MY GOD! He was right. I never thought he would be right down to the smallest detail! It's like he wrote a book with you guys as the fuckin' characters…" Gakae frowned so deeply, Anko could see the lines form from under his mask. "To think he would send us on an expedition to test your perimeter…" he let out a soft guffaw, "And warned us about being caught. But even made sure to give us anti-toxin shots and mental preparation! Everything was planned for…except her," he said throwing his head to Anko.

The four torturers exchanged a silent moment of confusion. How had he known? Anko was like a shadow of a fly when she was watching another interrogator work.

The man whipped his head around to look directly into Anko's eyes. That was when she noticed the mark just above his eyebrow, hidden by his bangs when she first entered. Three small shapes in a circle.

"Orochimaru-sama didn't mention you at all."

Gakae had only enough time to think 'Oh shibbit...' before Mitarashi Anko unleashed holy hell in his interrogation room.

**xxXxx**

Morino Ibiki was a fairly rational man. After all he dealt with some of the most ruthless and violent people alive who spent their days and lives devoted to causing pain and terror wherever they went. Such were these people that even he was somewhat disturbed by their antics at times. But you can't really choose who you're related to and even when he got away from his family he had to command a group of torturers. A blind man who could sneak up on silence with a technique that exploded atoms. Every Goth Lolicon's dream girl and her stronger raunchier big sister (personality). Himself. And two women, covered in tattoos, piercings, and sexual deviations that would make any day time talk show proud to feature.

Putting a hand to his face to hide his smile he mused: _'Under age human sacrifices to demons and the Sadistic alternative women who love them…_' This current train of thought came and went as he read the report which was the accumulation of Komugi's notes.

The tattooed ninja herself was sitting, her face cupped in one hand, while her commander read her materialized thoughts.

"This is a serious set of accusations Komugi," he finally said resting the scroll on his desk, "Is it any more than conjecture and whatever you gleaned from around the proverbial water cooler?"

She frowned, "Ibiki-taichou, I am offended you believe I would allow non documented facts into my registry. This is all based on observation." She tapped the scroll for emphasis.

"Then allow me to enter my own observation, Naruto has never, in his time with Anko, expressed anything remotely similar to the actions of a child being sexually abused by his guardian," Ibiki pressed his gloved hands together. "Inoichi, Daisuke, and the Hokage himself have been with me when I have done my yearly checkups on Naruto's mental state. Not a one of them sees anything inside the boy beyond his normal preteen affection for a woman he routinely sees half naked. Which, I may add, could also describe you."

Komugi blinked, a blush spreading across her face as she realized the implications of what he had just said, "Sir. I may also make the point that Naruto and Anko are not normal in any sense of the word."

He relented that fact. "Point taken. But your _main_ point has yet to be proven to me."

Komugi blinked once more, "I am concerned for Naruto if he stays with Anko. In the past few weeks her sexual drive has seemed to increase tenfold. Normally Mitarashi Anko engages in a span of one to three sexual encounters a week. These are almost always done when Naruto is engaged with friends or was at the academy, and when she was off duty.

"But, in these last documented weeks she has not only increased the number of encounters to one on average _a day_ but has been doing them even on days she has to report for duty or Naruto is in her care. The unusual hours and the raw amount of sex should be worrisome on their own," she finished.

Ibiki blinked. The wounds on his head were itching. They only did that when he didn't like how something was looking. "Have any of these been with under age boys or girls?"

"No."

"Congratulations, you've proven your best friend is a slut. But a slut who satisfies her libido within the boundaries of the law." He stood and walked toward a large map of the continent. Putting his hand on the Country of Rice he motioned for Komugi to join him. "What do you know about the Land of Rice?"

Komugi thought for a moment, clicking her tongue studs together, "Small country, no ninja village, minimal resources. Closest ally to Leaf, gives food to beleaguered civilians during wartime, good standing with other Hidden Villages due to lack of biased charity among commoners."

He nodded at each tick off of her mental list, "Correct, however now." He drew his hand away, grabbed a permanent marker and put a large X over the kanji for Rice. He then put the Kanji for 'Sound.' Komugi raised an eyebrow. "The country changed its name last year. The merchants have even spoken of a new ninja village forming. We've sent a few teams to scout around and have found that to be the case. Otogakure no Sato."

Komugi snorted and momentarily reverted to her normal attitude, "That's a stupid name. How do you hide buildings in sound?" she asked.

Ibiki smiled in response to her reaction, but continued, "No matter what they call themselves or their village it still stands this is a wholly unknown ninja power rising very quickly. A good deal of intelligence coming to us from Kumo and Kiri state that Otogakure has a steadily growing population with no central village."

Komugi frowned, "This doesn't make sense. A hidden hub for missions? Some sort of mobile network to keep information flowing freely? The possibilities are staggering for anything more than a force of fifty bodies or so. Their leader must either be a genius or insane. So why are they encroaching on our territory? Are they getting uppity?"

Ibiki shrugged, "Perhaps." He returned to his chair and asked Komugi to do the same. "I bring this up Komugi because Anko has problems, yes, but so do _all_ of us. I can't compete in _Ninja Man's Monthly's_ annual 'Most Bishounen Hair' contest. Anko has a seal that encroaches into her mind and warps her desires and thoughts toward darker ends." He intertwined his fingers in front of his face, "I know you're concern for Naruto is a powerful drive to make sure that there is action taken, however until I have proof that Anko isn't in complete control of herself than I cannot act."

Komugi nodded, accepting his answer, "Yes sir."

As Komugi was about to get up and leave Ibiki's office door was thrown open. "What is the meaning of this?" The scarred commander ordered, slamming his hands on his desk and standing.

The cadet's face flew back and forth until he focused on the two senior members of the squadron. He gave a swift salute and stood at attention, "Ibiki-taichou! Anko-sempai has gone crazy! She's ripping a prisoner apart with her bare hands!"

The head of the division blinked, an incredulous look on his face, "Well," Ibiki snorted, "Goddammit."

**xxXxx**

Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto was, for the most part, a calm minded kid. There were obvious times when he was slow, mostly because no one bothered to teach him to pay attention until Anko first introduced him to her deadly heel drop. So, with him being a calm minded kid and all, he was slowly trying to sort out his feelings on the current situation.

"_Okay…let's go down the list. First: my sensei is an _ASS_ and a porn otaku. Whichever is worse I'll figure out later. Then there's Sasuke the criminal mastermind who now suddenly has found a pulse…_" Naruto glanced over at the Uchiha heir as he slowly ate. His eyes were moving about in their sockets, most likely replaying the day's events with their sensei. "_Oh…yes. Let's not forget that _ONCE AGAIN_ I've had to deal with Sakura trying to kill me. I swear to Inari this shit is getting old_."

_While in this situation…_The Kyuubi began_…it would be prudent to claim the female to establish dominance. She would cease these foolish displays of power if she viewed your will as law. I do not approve of it. You may not mate with her kit, she would not produce strong babies._

Naruto made a growling sound that drew the attention of the other two cadets, "_Like you have a say in the matter fox._"

_Mou…_he could almost _hear_ the pout forming on her lips…_Naruto-kun is being mean. I only want you to find a good mate. Young boys these days are so disrespectful to their elders. If only…_a sniffing sound echoed between his ears…_If only you understood how hard it is to see you masturbate with such a creature as _her_ as your current subject…like a failed painter you dejectedly stroke your tool to a withering muse…_

Naruto's eye twitched, more so from the fact in the heat of teenage hormones he completely forgot he had someone else in his head. "_You're pushing it Fox. I'll seal you off if I have to._"

An image of Kyuubi with her hands on her hips her cheeks puffed in frustration flashed before his eyes. _Fine. But more importantly, and I say that with a good deal of trepidation at the ordering, you need to heal the female. Her body is in worse condition than you think. I can smell the decay and fatigue from here. _

"You're right," he whispered out loud.

Standing Naruto pricked his thumb on one of his sharp teeth and made the necessary hand signs. _Good boy…Watch out though…_Kyuubi grinned flashing her crocodile like smile…_she's in heat…_

Despite the sudden urge to slam his head into the log post behind him Naruto completed the technique fully with no mistakes. As he clapped his hand to the ground his chakra spiked abnormally before a massive cloud of smoke enveloped him, his bento, and the log. Fading slowly the smoke revealed to have been the arrival of a rather tall and skinny two tailed fox with massive round wire framed glasses. To the amazement of Sakura, and horror of Sasuke, the fox was a bright pink.

It cracked its neck loudly and looked down at Naruto as the creature was well over two heads taller than him when sitting on its haunches, "Naruto-sama. It is good to see you again." It reached behind it and drew forth from seemingly nowhere a doctor's bag. Putting on a special stethoscope for foxes it put the listener to Naruto's belly.

"Everything seems fine with the seal…"

Naruto smacked his hand away causing the great animal to whimper, "I didn't call you here for me Mouto, I called you here for her!" he said throwing a finger at Sakura.

The fox's spectacles, which Sakura saw had lenses thicker than her arm, seemed to focus on the young Haruno, as if they were its eyes. It adjusted its glasses with the tip of one tail and trotted over, Naruto carrying the bag with it. Sakura noticed the fox had a Konoha headband wrapped around its longer tail. He scrutinized her for a few minutes before rising up and tapping one long hind paw on the ground.

"Haruno bloodline…direct descendant. Fifth…no fourth generation. Removed from the original house by two out-clan marriages to civilians and one out-clan marriage to shinobi. Quite a pedigree you have girl…" he said after a few moments.

Sakura, who had studied her family's recent history, furrowed her brow. He had just described the last three generations of her family by_ looking _at her, "How did you know that?"

"Haruno Tsukene, the matriarch of your clan, had a distinct pair of eyes. All direct female descendants bear them. Larger than average sclera and a supple twist in the iris' lens which makes the pupils appear to widen, similar to when a pupil dilates, whenever the family member focuses on any object within five feet. Children of Haruno ninja also have a defined athletic form from the onset of puberty, which the percentage of appearance in children slowly degrades with each new non-ninja generation. Civilian children usually have pronounced foreheads and high intellectual skills.

"Big forehead?" Mouto said poking Sakura's brow, "Your Haruno parent is a ninja who had a civilian background. Now... Take off your clothes."

"WHAT!" Sakura screamed. She instantly went to cover as much of herself with her arms as possible. She glared at both Naruto and Sasuke as if she was daring them to agree.

Mouto snapped his digits, "Listen girl. I have little time. I only came because Naruto-sama called me. You are a kunoichi are you not? Your body is a weapon. To be ashamed of your weapon is to fear to use it. I swear on my honor as a fox I will not let either of them touch you. I do only need you to remove your top most layers."

"Why?" Sakura asked, her resistance to the fox waning.

"Your left shoulder and right hip joints are all but dislocated. The tendons have been damaged almost to uselessness and there is a chance of muscle ruptures throughout your torso. I can only make sure after seeing you for myself."

Blushing furiously Sakura shook her head and bit her lower lip. She watched as the fox clapped his front paws together and formed a screen around them hanging from just over his head, "Better?"

"Yes," she hiccuped as she began to remove the dress/shirt combination she wore. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed she had wraps around her chest. At her age she should not have developed that fully yet. As the garment was removed Mouto immediately frowned deeply, his black lined lips twisted in a grimace. Sakura also removed her sandals and the tight shorts she wore to stand in front of him.

He reached down with one paw and tested her body. She grew even redder as a claw appeared from one round digit and snagged the ends of her bindings, "Forgive me, but this is crucial to my final diagnosis." When she nodded he unhooked the wrap and twisted it off of her. A snarl escaped the fox's throat as he looked at Sakura's body.

Where there should have been the barest hint of definition for a girl her seize there was instead bone and hide. Sakura's breasts had begun to develop, in fact it from what Mouto could tell she was, supposed to anyway, be fairly well off in the bust department by now, but instead of having shape or definition they were just _there_, somewhat deflated looking. There were deep, deep bruises along her body from where her skin had contracted from the increased muscle mass too quickly and the damage to her limbs was far easier to see now that she was nude.

If the fox had been able to make a fist he would have punched the ground, instead he motioned for her to wait and slipped out to talk to Naruto.

"Well? Is she better?" the blonde asked as Mouto drew him away from the curtain.

Mouto shook his head, "She hasn't eaten a full day's supply of nutrition in at least two months." Naruto gaped at him, "Her body has degenerated to a terrible condition. The only reason she can stand is because of her family's power. I'm only going to be able to fix some of the damage, hopefully I can stop the current level of decay from worsening."

Naruto frowned as deeply as the summon, "Is there anything I can do?"

Mouto shook his head again, "No. The only thing you could do is give her a chakra infusion of her majesty's power. But…" he let the suggestion hang in the air. "I shall do my best for her Naruto-sama, but even that will be for nothing if she does not change her habits immediately. The combination of poor nutrition and certain high levels of stress have stunted her in more than a few ways. I shall leave securing the changes to you."

Naruto clenched his fists in his pockets as the smug smiling face of Haruno Sakaki flashed through his mind, "Gotcha. Better get to work Mouto…" _"Oooh…I'm gonna make that woman scream. I really don't care what happens to Sakura…but if my Sakura-chan goes out because of her…_"

He nodded and lopped back into the curtain where Sakura was sitting on the ground holding herself. She looked back at him, "I know how ugly I am…but did you have to tell _him?_"

Mouto's face became impassive, "I may have you as a patient Haruno, but my loyalty is to Naruto-sama, if this was not his wish I would merely shake my head in sadness and vanish back to my home." Once more cracking his neck he leered at her backside, which she did not notice, "It would be best to imagine my healing as coming from Naruto-sama himself."

Sakura shuddered visibly as she heard the fox take out several tools from his bag, "Of all the things you could have said…that is probably the worst."

He ignored the round-about insult to his master and prepared to heal her, "I will begin by giving you a super nutrient pill. It will replenish what your body has digested from itself. Then I will heal your joints, then the tendons and muscles and finally the bruises. You will be able to move and fight, but if you take off your limiter again before the healing is complete your body will give out." He handed her a large jawbreaker sized red ball.

"I understand," she said as she bit into it. The pill had the texture of dried cake and had the faintest taste of cherry. Not trusting the young female, Mouto watched as she ate and swallowed the whole thing, her body almost glowing with the infusion of nutrition.

"Hold still Haruno, my paws will feel cold at the start," he said as his tails flew into a series of complicated maneuvers. When they stilled his front paws gave off a bright green glow. He placed the pads against her and slowly moved them over the damaged areas of her body. "I do not know what drove you to this Haruno, but know this: Naruto-sama does not want to see you die. Whatever is driving your heart toward hatred for him I beg you pause on that path. In time…even you may see why Naruto-sama wanted to help you. In time…you may realize the extent of what he feels for you."

Sakura bit her lower lip as she trembled. She was thankful for the cold soothing energy from the fox, he would assume her jitters were from that. "_Why does _he…_"_ she thought, an image of Naruto giving her a concerned look out of the corner of his eye, "_ care more than she does…?"_ As she nodded to Mouto's earlier question, she did her best to stay quiet, she didn't want the fox to see her crying.

**xxXxx**

Tosshin Gakae, as a veteran of ANBU and numerous multiple life and death ninja battles, was mostly unshakable. There were, however, exactly three things that turned him from the quiet and resolute ANBU commander in training to a hysterical sardonic and potentially homicidal maniac.

The first is chaos. While he had been in the Third Great Shinobi war he had seen numerous instants when the breakdown of order leads to numerous terrible and unneeded deaths. Plus during chaos people tended to scream, which hurt his ears.

The second is dirty interrogation tools. For some reason this man who has been a bachelor all his life and lives in an apartment that is, for lack of a better term, a dump, cannot stand to see anything less than expertly cleaned, maintained, sanitized, and polished torture devices. To see even a hint of left over oiling grease or blood from a previous victim drives him mad. Also there's the chance of infection, what is the point in torturing a man half to death when dies of something stupid like an infection?

Finally there is the lack of protocol. When a rule is put into place, especially in an environment such as a torture chamber, it is most likely for a reason. When someone breaks such a rule valuable information, and subsequently lives, could be lost. Also considering his age and rank he normally could tell anyone in a room what to do and they would have to do it if protocol was in effect.

Mitarashi Anko had, in the last few moments, placed all three of these conditions before Gakae.

CHAOS: She had attacked a prisoner like a leaping lioness, summoning power from her curse seal to turn into a violently powerful kunoichi bent on this man's evisceration, which she was doing in the correct scrotum to sternum manner he had taught her five years ago. At least she was being thorough in her unsanctioned murder.

And good lord if that damn Sound nin had a set of lungs.

FILTH: By ripping open said prisoner's chest cavity and ripping random bits out she was littering him, the other ANBU guards, and everything else in the room in what could be described as 'meat hash.' In a ninja village people know that blood stains like an angry motherfucker. But what they wouldn't known is that most organs, which are soaked in blood, also stain. They leave grease, blood, and juices in such abundance that even a fraction of a human body's miniature facilities can take days if not weeks of cleaning. Oh, speaking of which…she just got pancreas on my scalpels. That will take forever to scrub off.

Of all the organs to get on your scalpels; pancreas and prostate were the absolute worst.

PROTOCOL: She did not even have the decency to ask his permission when she began to slaughter his prisoner. Quite unprofessional.

To sum it all up: if the man capable of sparring with the sannin was not before, Tosshin Gakae was now peeved.

**xxXxx**

A spark flew from the man to Anko. She saw him as a rundown failed ninja; she saw a certain smiling face offering him a hand in friendship and understanding. She saw terrible training, horrific experiments, and in the end a lean white hand being placed against his forehead. Pain ripped into her flesh like knives, arcing through her body like lightning.

The seal roared. It was screaming. Living breathing hating fucking mewling panting hunting killing loving.

IT WAS _ALIVE!_ And so was _SHE!_

Something in her shot to the surface like a missile fired directly up. A deep, deep part of Anko that she hid from everyone, even herself. Her mind barely had time to register the image of a small boy looking at her with glowing eyes.

_Because you two are the only ones like me…_

For two years her curse had plagued her stronger than ever. It had tried its damndest to turn her down the one road she kept to her back. Naruto was always _there_ sitting off to the side smiling, his cunning blue eyes playing with her emotions. The seal _knew_ how much Anko loved the boy who gave her a reason to stay in this village. It _knew_ how close Anko toed that line with that beautiful boy that seemed to radiate an aura few men would ever achieve. It _knew_ Naruto would never say no. Because just as much as Anko loved Naruto, Naruto loved Anko.

And it would use that love.

But its plans failed. Time and time and time again. Anko's love for Naruto, no matter its origin, paled in comparison to her urge to protect him. Anko was not the last of the Mitarashi clan for no reason, too many of their women died in child birth. Anko's own mother living only long enough to name her daughter and stroke her face before dying. This knowledge, and Anko's own suspicions about the powerful effects of the seal, had made her believe children were forever out of her reach. It is these situations that a woman finds either her maternal instincts stunted or drastically overpowering. Many of the most accomplished kunoichi turned down that path known as 'failure' because of the cry of a single child.

On that softly cooling summer night so long ago, it seemed, Anko had experienced such a failure. Her desire to protect this boy, this terribly tempting and powerfully wonderful boy, washed over her own pain. Her reasons for leaving seemed fickle and childish. How could she, an adult, run from a fraction of what this child stood against? The simple answer was: she could, and would, not.

And the seal _finally_ had a way to tap into that. Trying to use Anko's powerful sexual desire was one thing. Rumor and mistrust would do that more effectively than if Anko actually started offering herself in public. But to use the one thing she loved most to turn her into a blind rampant killer?

Now _that_ was what corruption was all about.

**xxXxx**

Was it her inherent sadism that drove her?

Was it some odd loyalty or jealousy toward her old master? Of hearing someone else call him –sama?

Was it the fact this fool thought the curse seal was a _gift?_

No. It was because she _felt it_. This man, this hunk of meat and bone was a tool. A tool for some twisted plot of the man she had loved like a father. That plot was aimed, in some way, toward Konoha. And if there was even a fraction of a chance that plot would encompass Naruto she would fight the nine tails itself to protect him. She had already tangled with the beast twice in her life time.

This _thing_ that dared threaten her Naruto was nothing.

It was so easy to even rip the offending bastard's curse seal off that Anko felt like she was opening a present. Her ears became muffled like they were filled with cotton as he screamed. To her amazement the seal had burned through the flesh to mark even the skull beneath. Intrigued Anko pushed her fingers against the bone.

Yep. Felt like velvet.

Oh well, he made his bed. Time to die in it.

She grabbed his shirt and then ripped it off. Her free hand jammed hard into his chest, her fingers becoming hard as steel before puncturing his throat cavity. Slashing her hand downward she broke his breast plate by making a very sloppy, but very effective, version of the medic ninja's chakra scalpel. A second, third, and fourth scream rocked the small room as she broke through each layer of his ribcage's connecting structure.

Anko forced herself to her work and let her instincts, unknowingly overpowered by the seal to take over. Despite having half of-wait…three fifths-of his organs strewn about the room the man was still alive. Anko even made sure to take the most painful ones out first so he would know how thoroughly he had screwed the pooch.

When her raking digging fingers found only bone and hide to claw at she moved to his limbs. Putting her foot to the man's shoulder she tore his arm free of the bonds he was in and began to twist and pull at the limb like a dog playing tug of war with a raw hide. A gurgling wet sound accompanied the man's death throes as finally Anko twisted the appendage off and sent it flying behind her.

The hand smacked Gakae's face and pulled his mask off revealing his horribly disfigured face. After passing over his head it hit one of the two stunned guards knocking him over.

Anko, completely ignoring the other three ninja, roared as she came. The orgasm made her toes curl as she opened her moth and howled. Sitting in the lap of the dead man, his still steaming guts surrounding her, Anko panted hard. The seal had spread almost to her right side, covering her exposed flesh in its dark creeping flames.

"Whoo!" she cooed happily, leaning on the corpse like a lover. "I think I need a cigarette!"

"Oh really?" a hand, with two kunai for fingers, fell hard onto her shoulder. Anko resisted the urge to scream. "Well as you know Anko-chan smoking is not permitted inside the building. LET ME SHOW YOU TO THE DESIGNATED AREA!" with strength that could send Gai running for cover Gakae hoisted Anko up and threw her from the room one handed. She hit the ground rolling to land sitting up across the hall.

Gakae's steel reinforced sandal collided with the wall next to her head cracking the stone. He punched her hard in the nose, cracking her face. "Are you sufficiently calmed now Anko?" he asked.

Her response was wet and hard to understand but Gakae took it as a yes. He motioned to have her bound. Several ANBU helped her to her feet and began to bind her arms behind her back. Before they took her away: "Wait," Gakae ordered. He slashed his wrist with his kunai and let the blood flow onto his palms. After clapping his hands together to spread the blood he threw his hands into a flurry of hand seals.

_FUINJUTSU: FUJA HOIN SHISHOURUI! _(Art of Sealing: Evil Sealing Method: Master Class)

With a swift clap Anko's curse seal was suddenly marked by the binding. She screamed loudly as the painful suppression of the curse's evil took hold. Normally the blood needed would be at least one pint with several hours of preparation. Gakae, after being sent on a retrieval mission that eventually had him fighting five demon possessed ninja farmer hookers at once, decided to have the Fourth and his wife give him a crash course in sealing.

Thankfully he was also a super genius when it came to the Evil sealing method; the only drawback was his version is about four times as painful to have applied.

"That's what you get," Gakae said matter of factly as he turned back toward his interrogation room. With a heavy sigh he began to check off the list of cleaning supplies he would need.

"What's going on here?" Ibiki called as he made his way toward the group of ninja. Gakae saluted him, a somewhat frightening thing to see without the man's mask. After Ibiki saluted him back he rummaged into his vest and revealed a second mask. Quickly attaching it he returned to attention. "At ease. Inform me Gakae, what happened?"

"Mitarashi Anko was my back up, staying in proper form to be unknown to the prisoner, suppressed chakra and well placed movements, however the target was unperturbed by our normal methods and revealed that he had been given preparation in case he was captured by us. After he mentioned who prepared him for capture Anko lost it, activated her curse seal and made sure to _totally _murder our prisoner, sir."

"Who prepared him?" Ibiki asked rubbing his chin.

Gakae waited until Anko had been led away to a more secure cell before he answered, "Orochimaru."

Ibiki who had made his way toward the scene of the incident froze in mid step. Once more demonstrating his mastery of the back pedal movement technique he faced Gakae. "Please tell me this is opposite day and when you say the name of the worst traitor to our village you mean a fluffy bunny. Preferably pink and adorable with a carrot."

The aged ANBU shook his head slowly, "No sir. No bunnies. No carrots."

"Damn…" Ibiki sighed. He scratched the itch from one of his screw wounds and went back to the room. As he gazed in he stopped at the threshold. "Oh…wow," Ibiki said as he stood at the door. For a scant second the head of the division was glad he didn't wear sandals as he saw the layer of blood on the floor. "I was going to say maybe the fuja hoin was a bit extreme, considering your version is quite painful…but good lord is that pancreas on your scalpels?"

Gakae seemed to deflate, "Yes…"

"It's already congealed that will take forever to get out!"

Gakae made a 'there you are' gesture, "You see the source of my aggravation. I'm quite surprised I did not introduce her to pain and suffering of a nature not heard of by human ears."

Ibiki was now very glad Gakae was on _their_ side.

"Ibiki-taichou!" Komugi called as she made her way towards the pair. "I contacted the Hokage as you ordered, sir. He is on his way!"

"Excellent," Ibiki turned away from the door way.

Intrigued by the scent of blood Komugi looked inside, "HOLY SHIT! GAKAE! YOUR ROOM IS FUCKED!"

"I noticed," he drawled.

Komugi gaped at the tool table, "Wow! Is that pancreas on your scalpels? That will take forever to get out!"

"I know!"

**xxXxx**

Mouto finished his work and dispelled the curtain protected Sakura from view with a clap of his paws. The pinked haired cadet blushed deeply as she stood in the fox's shadow. Sasuke and Naruto, who had been waiting next to each other, gaped. While Sakura did not appear any different the poise and physical presence was similar to when she first removed her choker, although on a much smaller scale.

Naruto immediately felt a little bad taste enter his mouth, "_Feh. She's just playing at being Sakura-chan…however…_" He and Sasuke both noticed that the young Haruno had improved in a certain area, "_Damn…she's almost on par with Ino. Almost. I must remember to investigate, self preservation be damned."_

_I wish you'd investigate _my_ chest kit…_

"_NOT THE TIME FOX!"_

_Mou…_

"This is as good as I can do with what I have. She will be much safer for combat now. Just in case take three of these every other day," explained the summoned creature as he handed Sakura a small bottle of pills. "Your appetite will grow stronger every day you fail to eat. If you stop for more than a few days your muscles will give out and your heart will seize. You'll release everything in your bladder and colon and drench yourself in the last vestiges of waste a malnourished human has. Then you'll die."

"Thanks Mouto…love your imagery," Naruto grunted. The animal bowed to him before disappearing in a large cloud of smoke. As soon as he was gone Naruto faced Sakura, "Truce?" She glared him down, her stare causing an effect in him he was hoping _would not_ show. "_Damnable attraction to strong willed women. I swear this is all Anko's fault. She's knocked something loose in my head, with all of those brutal heel drops, for being turned on by a girl who would rather see me with my guts out than let me into _her_ guts."_

Sakura held out her hand to him, "Truce. But I swear Naruto if you keep looking at my breasts I'll throw you into the river so hard you'll make a new well on the other side of the world."

He took it and grinned, "Noted, sweetie."

"So," Sasuke interjected as he handed Sakura the remaining half of his meal, "I don't need it," he explained. Tears welled in her eyes as she accepted the bento like it was something precious, and to the newly ravenous Haruno, it was. The three cadets crouched down as Sakura raged into the food, "What's the plan?"

Naruto ticked off the openings he saw in Kakashi's defenses, with a few add-ons from Sasuke, and set up a plan that would require the remaining ninja traps set by Sasuke's cats. "Word of warning…they have a habit of over powering their explosives," Sasuke added.

"Duly noted Sasuke-chan," Naruto said eyeing a scorch mark on the back of his shirt, and remembering how powerful the blast that had sent him into the river had been. "Now I'll charge him straight on with about five shadow clones and ten mud clones. Sasuke and Sakura you come from the sides, use whatever jutsu you have to aim for his book, he'll lose an arm before he lets that get scorched. It's his signed copy."

Sakura, who was currently stuffing her face, "How do you know so much about him?"

Naruto made sure he was leaning in close, "Because I trained with him when I was younger."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "How'd you get him to do that?"

The grin the spread across the blonde's face made Sakura choke a bit, "He has a mesh fetish."

"What does that have to do…Oooh," The two other members of team 7 began until they remembered the Mitarashi that _wasn't_ blonde. Or had shame.

"What about his ninja dogs?"

"Oh yeah!" Naruto said snapping his fingers, "We have to hide and change our scents every few moments to keep him off our trails."

"His mastery of one thousand jutsu?"

"To be honest," Naruto replied, "Kakashi's jutsu collection doesn't matter, most of it is one hit kill stuff that he can't use on us at even a third his normal potency."

"What about his dashing good looks and amazing tactical skill?"

"Anko has seen Kakashi's 'O' face and tells me it's nothing special so we just…have…to…"

Naruto suddenly realized Sakura and Sasuke were pointing behind him. Turned his head slowly he gazed over his shoulder to a lazy black beady eye, locked intently on his own.

"Yo. I believe I said you couldn't feed Sakura. Or talk to each other."

Kakashi's killing intent sent all three cadets tumbling backward, their hands raised in various taijutsu stances. Sasuke grabbed hold of his fallen sword, Sakura charged chakra into her fists and Naruto dipped his hands into his pockets to draw out smoke bombs.

"You have directly defied me. I am a jounin. There are over twenty organizations on this continent that have a flee on sight order for anyone less than my level of power. And you defied me like I was a normal teacher at the academy. Are you ready for your punishment?" Kakashi asked, his visible eye slashing into their hearts.

"BRING IT KAKA-SENSEI!" Naruto roared drawing two of his special heavy kunai.

"By my order the three of you will-" He held out his hand splaying his fingers as if to fire a blast of energy in some overly dramatized anime before fireworks were fired off behind him. Two ninja dogs appeared with a banner that said "CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT BEING STUPID!" Two more were waving fans with kanji saying: Victory over Stupidity. A final ninja dog appeared on Kakashi's head and made the peace sign. "Report for duty at the Hokage's tower tomorrow for your first mission!"

Sasuke sheathed his sword, his face a mask of disbelief. "What? We pass?"

Kakashi smiled under his mask and gave his team a thumbs up, "You disobeyed my direct orders, but in doing so you made a member of your team battle ready and helped her recover from a far more dangerous condition. You also were ready to trust Naruto with a battle plan, accepting the fact he knew me and my tactics. Those who break the rules are scum, but those who leave behind their comrades are worse than scum."

Sakura sighed and happily put another scoop of rice in her mouth. "However," Kakashi said putting a hand on her and Sasuke's shoulders, from behind, causing both to jump. "If you try to pull any more stunts like the three of you have in the last week-"

Naruto: Defiled sacred monument, stole 40+ pairs of panties from the ANBU corps locker rooms.

Sasuke: Attempted to steal sacred item to the village, indecent exposure.

Sakura: Tried to cripple/mortally wound a teammate, used a transformation to purchase a copy of 'Big and Tall Shinobi underwear catalogue.'

"-I'll kill you!" he said a hint of sweetness at the end of his sentence.

Standing still as statutes each genin gulped and replied, "Yes Kakashi-shishou…"

Grinning deeply Kakashi motioned for his students to follow. They fell in step behind him as he pulled his tell-tale orange book from one of his many pouches. Chuckling softly to himself Kakashi turned page after page.

Sasuke swung his sword onto his shoulder and fell behind Kakashi. A bird call made him take notice of a green tipped hawk, a rare raptor of Konoha, he studied the way it swooped up, circled, and then dived into the trees before appearing with a small rabbit in its clutches. He ticked off the other few birds he saw, making note of the hawks especially.

Naruto fished out his doodle pad and continued trying to get Komugi's tattoo right. Every time he drew it the thing wouldn't come out right. When he decided to go for a cuter image he found his hand moving in an almost agreeable way.

Sakura, finishing the last of Sasuke's bento felt a small belch rise in her throat hiding it as best she could she relished the feeling of a good meal. Her walking gate almost took on a skip as she counted down the things she could brag to Ino about.

A melancholy guardian, a tepid avenger, a cunning hunter, and a mending helper walked away from that field with a slightly truer sense of peace with each other.

If only…if only they had not been marked for tragedy this happy scene would continue indefinitely.

* * *

**A/N**: Why am I so goddam sappy? Oh well. Hope you all liked Gakae. He's completely original with no basis. However, fans of my first story will reocgnize the name of Uzumaki Arumi's teammate/crush/doctor from Typhoon in the Clouds. Also next chapter ends the day-by-day stuff and the story will pick up the pace.

And before any of you bitch: Gakae is almost fifty years old. He trained with the Fourth _and_ Naruto's Momma to learn seals and had an innate skill with the Evil Sealing Method. So yes. He can do it in five seconds with a handful of blood.

Why?

Because MountainWind has spoken.

-MountainWind blowing away~...

OMAKE: Why No One Lets Gakae Babysit Part 1

Komugi: Sorry Anko-sempai. I have this cute new piercing I wanna get done and I won't able to walk for two days after getting it.

Moto: I would love to watch Naruto for you Anko-sempai but I have to see the doctors in the Land of Medicine about Hifumi.

Ibiki: Anko what part of my home has ever given the impression of being 'children friendly?' Was it my ceremonial self locking iron maiden? The food my sister tries to poison me with? My collection of nervous system affecting poisons? Maybe my dog Snuffles? Who is also five feet tall and eats small pigs…

Anko: Dammit…who else can I ask?

Kakashi: HAH! No. Unless…(NOT FOR CHILDREN!)

Naruto: What did he mean by 'Kage Bunshin for both doors?'

Anko (with a now sore hand from beatings): Nevermind him. He's a moron…with _amazing_ ideas.

Gai: Why Anko-san I believe you need a baby sitter because of your big mission? I WOULD SURELY LIKE TO SHOW NARUTO-KUN HOW YOUTH-Where are you going! I just finished putting together my reinforced Bowflex!

Anko: Dammit! Who's left?

Gakae: Me.

Anko: KYAAAAAH!

Naruto (not affected because of super sense of smell but yelling equally loud): WOW! You scared Anko-chan!

Gakae: Ow…

Anko: Why would I let _you_ watch him?

Gakae: Do you have any other option?

Anko: dammit…

Gakae (on the way to Gakae's apartment): So Naruto what do you do for fun?

Naruto (fox face thinking pose-no jutsu): Practice my ninja stuff Anko-chan and Scarface taught me.

Gakae (suddenly remembering as an elder male he must take a mentoring role in this youth's life): Want to learn how I snuck up on Anko?

Naruto: YEAH! THAT WAS SO COOL!

Gakae: Alright. I can also show you how to take something from someone's pocket so they don't know it's missing.

Naruto (with trademark fox grin): Would that work on anything they have hidden in their clothes? Or even their underwear?

Gakae (has not been told of Anko's fear for Naruto's 'perverted urges with panties'): I do not see why not.

And so…Konohagakure no Sato is changed forever.

…

Several years later…ANBU Facility

'Whistling sound.'

OH GOD! HE'S STRUCK AGAIN! ALL OF MY SPARE PANTIES ARE GONE!

Damn you Uzumaki-Mitarashi Naruto! Damn yo~u!


End file.
